This may be a long story but I am in so much need of advice. I met my ex girlfriend 2 years ago, she joined my work place and when I first met her I didn't even batter an eyelid, I just said hi and had no thoughts or instant feelings regarding an interest in her. I was just getting over being mucked about by another girl and had no interest in anyone else as I was a little hurt by the last one. As it turned out over the next 6 months me and Joss, my then soon to be girlfriend, had to work together as she was new to the business and she was to shadow me as much as possible. As time went on it turned out that we got on so well, had many things in common and made eachother really laugh, which felt great!! Over the christmas period of 2004 we had to, and wanted to work together. That time we spent together brought us really close, and you know that feeling you get when you know there is something there but your not sure if they feel it too, well that happened. Joss was with someone at the time, and I could tell from what she said and the way she was when she spoke about him that she wasn't happy. He didn't like her having independance and when he found out she was taking driving lessons he flipped out and got a bit nasty. They were engaged and had been together for 5 years, shes 30 now, hes in the army and spent a lot of time away. After the new year of 2005 people were saying what a great couple we would make, and eventually we both admitted our feelings for eachother, it was an amazing feeling to know it was mutual. Obviously there was her situation with her then fiance, so I said if shes not happy and her feelings for me are that strong then I would wait until she sorted things out and got out of her current relationship, he didnt seem to appreciate what a great person she was, and we decided to not let anything physical happen until she was on her own. Eventually she told him she wasnt happy and he flipped. I had a new place and the way the situation was it seemed and felt right for her to move in with me. This happened in June last year so we had been kind of together for 3-4 months so it did seem soon to be moving in together but as I said it just felt right at the time, her contract for her flat was expiring an would have to renew it but her ex was still about and we thought it would be better for her to get away from there. From that moment onwards we had the most amazing time together, she managed to get a work transfer to a nearer store, we went to see concerts, had a brilliant holiday, and were so happy together. But, the day she found out she had got her work transfer I had a little thought run through my head, knowing how rife it is within the company I work for, I remember thinking to myself 'I hope no-one tries it on with Joss, or she has an affair'. Not for 1 single minute did I believe that she would do something like that to me as she was always so morally sincere. Anyway, as I said this was just a passing thought and it was gone as soon as it appeared because I genuinly did believe she wasnt that kind of person to cheat, not only that but she made me feel really wanted and special,as I did her. Then we got to christmas and all was good, everyone in my village had got to know joss, they all liked her a lot, said we were a great couple and we suit eachother, family loved her and people were happy for us. Christmas 2005 passed and then came the annual store christmas party, the store I was at had one, and her store had one in the middle of january. I asked her if she wanted me to go but she said she would rather go on her own as most other people were going without there partners, so that wasnt a problem for me and she went alone. I said I would pick her up afterwards and so I did, she wasnt drunk, just a bit merry. We got in about midnight, she got changed and I made her a cup of tea. This is where things began to go downhill!! Joss was on the sofa texting someone, so quite innocently I asked her who she was texting this late. She said it was just a friend from work talking about the doo they had just been to. I then sat next to her, and when I did she turned her phone so that I couldnt see the writing, then put it down on the floor next to her. At that moment, and I don't know why but my heart just started to pound and I felt like something wasn't right. Joss then got up and went to the loo and I did something that I'd never done beforehand because I trusted her I suppose, I looked at her phone and there was a half written text by her that read 'yeah had a great night, what better time could I have had than spendinding...' and thats where it cut off, I imagine at the moment I sat down next to her. So then I checked the inbox and there was a text from this guy who I had a good idea was, it said 'Hope you had a really good night, I know I did xxx' Upon seening this I didnt know what to think, my heart was nearly bursting through my chest. Eventually, with me managing to keep face, we went to bed. But I couldnt sleep with all these thoughts so I said it straight, 'who's Simon?' She just layed there and I asked again and she said it was a friend from work who was at the party. I know of this Simon so I proceeded to tell Joss all about him, the fact that he has been with his girlfriend for 4 years and has cheated on her constantly, has kids by different women during the 4 years, and has paid some to have an abortion, a scum bag. I told her I had read his text and asked if she fancied him, she didnt say anything so I asked again and she said yes. I got up and got dressed and she started crying asking where I was going, saying that there was nothing in it and he had been showing her a lot of attention. She begged me to stay saying that I was who she loved and she wouldnt have given up everything to be with me just to throw it all away for someone else. I calmed down and we made up. From then on the thought was in the back of my head, knowing he worked there and he would see joss as another notch in his bed post, it was an awful feeling. AS the weeks went on I started to hear rumours about them, that he had picked her up after work, that they liked eachother, that he was boasting that they had seen eachother to his mates, it was tearing me apart because here is this woman who I would move the earth for and I love, having things like that said about her and someone else. Everytime I heard a rumour I would tell her and she would say it was just another rumour, and knowing that rumours were rife about everyone in our stores I had to believe her, and a few times I had asked her to actually swear on her little sisters life that there was no truth in them or anything going on between her and this guy. She swore, I made her look me in the eye and she swore. Then after a while it occured to me, if there were rumours about me and she was obviously worried that they might be true, I would be going to her, holding her and reassuring her that she was the one I thought about all day and night and to tell me who was saying this stuff so I could have it out with them as they could be responsible for wrecking my life. But not once did I get that from her, not once. It was so difficult, part of me wanted to ask her about a new rumour everyday, and part of me didnt because I didnt want her to get angry with me, so I was scared of losing her either way, she was slipping away no matter what I did. Another part of the story is about my mum. She has always helped me out and before joss moved in she was round quite often helping me fix up my new place, and when joss moved in she naturally took a step back and let us get on with things. One thing my mum did do was sort out my direct debits and bank stuff to do with bills as im a bit crap at all that. Anyway, more weeks went by, every one of them came with a new rumour and the bad feeling inside of me was getting more and more intense, it really was ripping me apart inside. Then one night in April I came home and went in the spare room, joss was still at work at the time, and when I glanced at the desk I saw 3 tickets to a local night club for free entry on the coming friday. This was Tuesday so I thought I'll wait and see if she mentions anything to me about going out that friday. The days went by and she said nothing, and when it got to friday I was working late night. So I phoned her at about half 7 that night on her mobile, no answer, I tried the house phone, no answer. Half hour later I tried her mobile again and she answered obviously in a pub so I asked her where she was and she said she was going to this club as she got some free entry tickets. I said it was nice of her to let me know and she said she was going to ring me that night and tell me, thanks I said. Later on about half eleven I got a call from her and she was very very drunk and wanted picking up as she had been sick all night. I picked her up and I've never seen her so drunk, she could hardly talk, joss was never really into drinking so it seemed a little strange but I thought everyone gets hammered now and again. We got in and during a drunken conversation she said she wasnt happy, for many different reasons, and I was devestated. She said she didnt even know if she would be living with me in 2 weeks. She said my mum was too involved, I did things that she didnt like, a didnt make her laugh anymore, all these things that she never once sat me down and had a discussion about. 2 weeks went by, during which I asked her to swear there was no-one else involved, and she did swear, on her familys life again. She said she missed her friends from her previous home and hadnt been happy for a while. Not once did she discuss how she had apparently been feeling. I had always told her that if she wanted to I would move anywhere with her. She hadnt had a great life, her dad treated her mum badly, then did her step dad, her mum then suddenly died, her sisters are in bad situations too, and from what she told me her ex fiance was a bit of an arse too. I would never have done anything to hurt her and all I wanted to be was a good thing in her life. Because of this I accepted her moving out and helped her do so, although she didnt seem too upset that this was happening, but again I thought maybe I was over analysing and although she wasnt living with me, we were still together. She moved out at the end of may this year, but that week she came round and we were just like a normal couple, things happened in the bedroom etc, we went to thorpe park and other places like normal, but then ibegan to hear from her less and less and I didnt know what was going on, my heart was being torn right open with the 'not knowing'. Then I saw her, I had to get in my car and follow her to actully speak to her because she wouldnt answer her phone, and after not hearing from her for 4 days I would get a text to say'Hi, have I got any post?' That was it, not a 'Hi how are you, I miss you'. I eventually caught up with her and had it out and told her I couldnt take it anymore and it was over as she obviously didnt care too much, I just said it as a spare of the moment intense feeling thing, and she just said 'fine'. I asked her if its what she really wanted and she said yes. Talk about world comes crashing down. She went and then called, she said she didnt feel the same anymore, she wanted to move nearer her original home etc. I once again asked her if it was about this guy, he swore again it wasnt, that she hadnt seen or spoken to him since the night in january with the text. That weekend I heard she had been to watch 5 a side football local sports center and he was playing. We weren't together now but I felt sick, she never came to watch me play football so why would she be there? When I heard this I left work and went up to where she works and asked her if she had been to watch him play. She said he was there but she hadnt gone to see him but just for something to do with one of the other girls from work. She once again said she hadnt spoken to him for months, or seen him. I had to leave as she started to cry. I just didnt know what to believe. As I turned out this guy had finished with his girlfriend that weekend. At one point I said I wanted to stay friends as she meant so much to me, I wrote her a letter saying how much she meant to me, how I'd always be there for her no matter what etc. Then one day about 6 weeks ago she came to collect some post that I had left by the back door for her to collect and said I wouldnt be there, but I was. I stepped out as she took it and she started to hurry off and I got her to wait. She couldnt look at me, only the ground as I begged her, on my knees to let us try and work things out and not to give up on us so easily. She said no. I asked her to look at me but she said she knew how much she had hurt me so she couldnt and she started to cry and then left. I was once again left feeling so low, I was fighting so so hard to get her back. She meant the whole world to me. As it turns out she had been seeing this guy, I found out she had been lying to me for most of this year, and to think she swore on her familys lives so many times that all the rumours were lies. 2 weeks ago I caught up with her and told her what I heard an dthat I knew about them, she told me to f**k off about 30 times and I was shocked, what had I done, and here is this woman who had a firm grip on my heart, losing it with me and being abusive to me because of what she had done! After a bit of abusive I finally got her to admit it, and she admitted to me that she left me for him, this guy who will inevitably cheat on her, and who had cheated on his now ex girlfriend so many times, has these kids that his ex still has no idea about, and boasted about it all. She left me, someone whose world revolved around her, made me happy by making her happy, would have done anything for her, left totally briken hearted. I told her she was low, to lie so much knowing how much I was hurting, and she told me where to go and then drove off. That night she text me asking for her microwave, I told her to grow up and leave me alone so she called me. For the first time I was calm when I answered the phone, whereas previously I've crumbled and got upset. I told her a few home truths about how much she meant to me, how he was probably smirking as he shagged her while scraping the notch in his bed post, this bloke who had slept with god knows how many women and she was his latest conqeust, and that each and everytime we were intimate that it meant everything to me becaused I loved her, and that was so true. She was crying throughout and I told her to sort out her post addresses as I wanted no more reminders of her. She got all nice and said she would do that. I told her I wanted no more contact ever again and to leave me alone. I told her that the stupid thing is, after all that she has done, I still miss her, and I really do, and that if shew was to turn up at my door with tears in her eyes and saying sorry, that I'd probably be stupid enough to let her in and take her back. She said @would you?' I did kind of sense that she was regretting her decision, but maybe that was my hope shining through. I told her that I would pass any post of hers onto her friend, but after 4-5 days I had a text from her asking if she had had any post arrive the day before. Why did she have to text me that when I'd already told her that I'd pass it on, and after I'd said no contact? I replied saying I said no contact, and I havent heard from her since. I miss her so much, I really do, and my heart is teeling me to find her and try to get her back. She said in our last conversation that she doesnt even know if they will last because she is moving back to where she came from, which is about 40mins away. All this hurt and she doesnt even know if it will last!! I still love her, I want to hate her but I cant and it frustrates me so much, I just want her back and from what she has said I cant believe she has absolutly no feelings for me at all, God I miss her and want her back. It really doesnt feel right that were arent together, it felt so right when we were together. Im totally torn,what do I do???
I'm now at Month 10 since the "end" end of a 6 year relationship that I thought would last forever. By "end" end I am referring of course to that, depending on the situation, couple of weeks to couple of months to God knows how long where you're stuck in breakup limbo. For me, it took us 2 months to go from us "deciding" to break up (I had no choice - she had already been setting up a new relationship with a guy while still with me...and get this, he lived 2000+ miles away from her and she thought it was true love right away!) to actually having that one last melodramatic culmination after which we didn't talk for a few months. Even then, there were maybe a total of two phone calls, then she disappeared again, turned into Facebook/text messages to each other every couple of weeks, to now, nothing at all. That's really how it goes man. And I know it's been almost 3 years since your original post, so I truly hope you've found someone better and had it proven for yourself, to yourself, that you really don't know what love is until you experience it with different types of people during different phases of your life.
Nobody and nothing turns out the way you plan it, including yourself. By now, that fraud should be a distant memory of yours (or you're back together, who knows it's been 3 years!) and it is only now, on the other side of other serious relationships that you can truly begin to gauge what happened in this previous one.
Three things I have learned to be absolutely 100% true in life: 1) You learn infinitely more about women, relationships and yourself during and after a breakup from a serious relationship than the entire duration of the actual relationship. 2) Time truly heals all wounds, whether you attempt to cling to the past or not, it does eventually. 3) With all my heart, I hope you and all the others like us fully realize the magnitude and importance of the fairly clichéd statement of: "You have to learn how to love yourself before you can know how to truly love another.”
That 3rd lesson is probably the toughest of all to grasp the meaning of, let alone begin to accomplish, during the first few months after an emotional split. But it is far and away the most important piece of advice anyone can give to anyone else regarding healthy relationships. That's because what it's truly saying is that no relationship, no matter how sugarcoated and lovely it appears to be and feel, will neither last nor be healthy. You mentioned an innumerable number of times, both directly and subtly, that your world revolved around her, but the opposite was quite far from the truth.
You need to be okay with who you are if you expect someone else to. And you need to love yourself if you expect someone else to as well. As someone said a few posts above, NO woman, no matter her personality, background, etc., wants a weak, dependent shell of a man. You needed to have taken the first year or so after the breakup (well at first you just needed to do whatever you could to have some fun and get your mind off of her; I'm talking about the post-initial rebound phase when your depression begins to give way to other rather annoying things like nostalgia, bi-polar cycles of missing her and wishing a plague upon her, etc.) and after the initial stabilization kicked in, began to work on yourself. To start doing the things YOU always wanted to do as well as learning who you are as a human being, not as just a big gooey bag of weak emotions. Who knows, maybe you realized that you were actually having more fun now that you were constantly sinking all of your energy into her.
I'll leave this post with two last thoughts seeing as how it has gotten fairly lengthy and I have class in a few hours. First, one other vital, life-changing thing I learned through the heartache and beyond is that a "relationship" no matter on what level we're talking about, is not just a word describing some bond between two people, it is a THING. A couple is made up of two people and a third entity known as the relationship; this thing is a manifestation of two people joined together, like a bridge. And just as each person grows, changes, matures, at times becoming actually more immature, etc. these changes must also be reflected/acknowledged somehow by the other partner, otherwise only one portion of the triangle has shifted in size or distance or color or whatever, while the relationship remains the same, stagnant.
You can think of this entity metaphor as a bridge between two shorelines; two distinct, separate landmasses, in this case people, irrevocably kept distinctly two due to the lake/ocean/river of reality and of space/time. Thus, the bridge. When we are lucky enough in life to attempt to design and begin constructing it, the two most important facets of it are the foundation/general structure and consistent maintenance; much like a real-world bridge. The feelings that two people have for one another initially have no bearing on the success of the bridge's actual construction; it may simply prove to show that you're attempting to join two landmasses a river apart as opposed to a lake. Instead, the foundation/structure: what you two each bring to the table as individual human beings and how well you understand and cherish your own existence, and the constant maintenance: the dedication, cooperation, compromise and communication necessary to adapt the relationship to those it is actually of as time marches on...these are what's really important to longevity in a relationship. Now, if all goes well, with time, maybe that bridge will become so well-constructed and pliable towards any sort of possible blow to its infrastructure that it's almost as if those two landmasses have merged into one.
This state of total, utter reliability, unhindered and uninhibited back and forth, and more or less a 100% unwavering of trust and faith; the knowledge that the "other side", your "other side" will always be there because you two built it that way YOURSELVES...that's how and when love truly begins to blossom.
Finally, even if the OP doesn't get a chance to read any of this, I hope at least some young lad or lady, possibly scouring the web looking for advice and randomly finding their way here, I hope some of the things I've mentioned prove to be useful to you. After all, nobody ever finds true happiness, in any form, without some battle scars; hopefully those of us who have collected more than our fair share might be able to provide even a morsel or two of advice that will help get you to the "Promised Land" (happiness through love and vice versa) with maybe a little less bloodshed and few less shed tears.
After reading this I felt as if I was the one writing it. I have been going through the exact same thing. It has now been three years since she left me and the feelings are still the same. Honestly I wish things were different and I have tried to move forward but without closure it is difficult. Since she left I have never tried to contact her or look her up on the internet. I did this because I am not sure what knowing would do to me. I think it is best left alone. What good could possibly come of it? My situation is the same as yours so hopefully this advice helps you. If I was to contact her and find out that her life was all fine and dandy and she was happy with her choice, that would mean that since we were engaged I would or could have been the biggest mistake of her life. If I find out that she regrets what she did and is unhappy then everything that I went through, everything that I am still going through, would all be in vein. Either way I lose. As much as I love her I know that it can never be the same. It would always be in the back of my mind what she did. I don't think I could ever trust her again even as much as I still love her now. The truth is that she knows my number, knows where I live, knows where I work, and knows my email address. If she ever got to the point where she missed me as much as I missed her she would know how to get a hold of me. It's been three years and I haven't heard anything. Moving on is the right thing to do and I know that as I am sure you do too. And even though it still feels the same as it did three years ago, the world didn't come to an end. Life does go on. I know that I will never stop loving her or thinking about her just as I know you will but the pain of holding on is much greater than the pain of letting go. I hope you find the answers that you are looking for and I hope that you find an end to this chapter in your life. Life is full of lessons. Learn from this one and move on with your life so you can love again. Love is worth it.
I dont think you should contact her, its obvious shes moved on and so should you. it may be hard but over time a broken heart does heal.
you just have to get over her you should:
- stay away from sad love films or songs
- stay away from anything that reminds you of her
- avoid seeing her as much as possible, because out of sight = out of mind
- try and go out as much as possible and have fun, stop you thinking about her
- try new things meet new people
- make a list of all the bad things you dont like about her or the bad things shes done to you, and the next time you see her instead of thinking of the memories think of what was on that list
- whenever you find yourself dreaming of her, think of something or someone that makes you smile eventually you wont think about her
Please don't contact her..I dont want to hear of you getting hurt again by her. She is going to continue to have this pattern but one day she will relize what a great catch you really were,she will compare her current boyfriend to you and think "so and so(sorry don't know your name) would have never treated me like this" she will then see what real love is when she thinks back at your relationship. She will remeber what it is was like to have someone truely love her. But at this point you will have someone your madly in love with and she will now be stuck with the what if's and she will now feel remorse. She will feel the same hurt you feel today but hers will come down the road when you have moved on..
Its hard when the feelings are only 1-sided! You have to take a look at her past>She left her finace for you, now she left you for another guy! Is that someone you can trust and want to be with for the rest of your life? I think she fell for you, because you treated/respected her. Nice is obviously what she isnt looking for. I dont think she knows what she wants! Why would you want to be with someone that is selfish and has no remorse for doing what she keeps doing? Theres a saying that i really like> "Sometimes it hurts more by hanging on, then it is to let go"!!! You seem like a very caring and thoughtful guy>I truly hope you meet a woman who will be trustworthy, and deserving of you!! Good Luck!!
Sorry but women, all women, want a bit of a challenge. That doesn't mean you have to be a jerk but if you're a pushover, someone who makes their girl the center of their world, the girl will feel the pressure. Real life isn't twilight. Undying perfect love is a symptom of narcissism.
I made a girl the purpose of my world before. I love her so much I'd have taken not just a bullet but a whole clip of a machine gun for her.
Guess what that got me. A year later, I still think of her everyday. If I could do it over again, I'd probably give her more space. They don't want to be the purpose of your life. Unless they're 12 or 13 years. Old.
hope all worked out for you dude ( without this girl ofcourse ) You can't be with someone whose comitted the ULTIMATE betrayal in a relatiinship, breaking trust. Its simply what a relationships foundation is. I know things can be tough, and sometimes you just feel that you cant forget a true love of yours, and its true, you don't truly ever forget them. But you learn to move on, and live your life without them, relflecting on the good times you've had, and not dwell on the bad times. Life is so short bud, and to be caught up on a woman like that, is just plain insane
You people are crazy heartless freaks.
Move on? Not likely if you're heartbroken and feel like crap. There's noone to move on to then!
Love yourself? When you get cheated on and lied to anyway? When part of your assets is to be honest and true and giving, and it means NOTHING to heartless women B1tch3s?
And to those who call him a soft, a weak, dependent shell of a man, you should be ashamed of yourselves! Some women DO like a guy who does NOT have any jerk inside of him. Those are the good women.
No! Girls don't like neediness. I'm going through the same thing and now I realize the guy was messed up in the head. This girl will get her heart broken from this cheater. This is time for personal growth for you. You have to be okay being alone before you can be with anyone else. It takes time. Love yourself and don't hold grudges against anyone, especailly you
Yeah I didnt bother reading any of that. Don't call her. If she wants you back, she'd call. If you call her you look like a hopelessly desperate guy and you'll just get hurt. ( I was here about 3 months ago) you'll regret it if you do, because you can't take it back. Whatever you say will be how she thinks of you and your gonna feel like a idiot.
rian is absoulty right 100% I thought I wasn't attractive when I was a freshman when I put on of my softmore pics up people commenting me saying im hot now I realize my ex lydia really loved me and now I regret saying I didn't love her because I was mad and now I wish she was mine
my god tesseract, you sound amazing. I did stumble across this looking for hope and your words are incredible. I hope you are with someone, and like you, I hope rossco has now managed to move on, its been 3 years. who knows what may have happened
jos is a B*** please dont contant her the best thing you can do is go on vacation . take some weeks off work . and go party on . she doesnt deserve you if I were I will so come back to u . bt iam nt . please don't hurt urself k
I just tried posting a big one and this thing says I have a banned word which clearly I do not. What a PITA site.
Thanks to email@example.com for bringing my ex lover back