Should I stay with my boyfriend or go back to my ex?

We will call me current Boyfriend : Dave My ex will be called : Tom

I have been dating Dave for 2yrs 4 months and 10 days. Dave and me were basically sent on a blind date after telling my friend alice to find me a guy because I wanted to get over Tom. Dave and me hit it off. We had sex on the 3rd day after knowing each other and I moved in with him on the 5th day due to a personal emergency. It was only going to be for one weekend and turned out that I stayed there for 5 months. During the time that I was living and dating Dave, Tom came back into my life and claim to love me. Since Tom had been my first love and I never really got over him I felt that instant need to want to be with Tom. But, turns out that he really didn’t mean for anything to happen, it was only to let me know that he felt that way. Due to this announcement by Tom’s part Dave found out and it hurt him so much. It caused som major emotional damage. Since Dave was set on the idea that I was going to go back with Tom, Dave started to allow himself to have feelings for this other girl, so that way when we broke up he would be one step ahead and didn’t have to deal with a heart break. I choose to stay with Dave. But the girl that he started liking liked him back and she was still waiting for him, urging him to break up with me. Alas, he broke up with me but the amazing thing was that he didn’t start dating the other girl till about 2 months after breaking up with me. In the meantime I was always trying to get him back. I asked him to prom and it was set, we would go with me. What I didn’t know was that at the time of prom he was dating the girl. During prom he was the one that stepped up and became affectionate. About three days later he broke up with her and started dating me again and both the girl and Tom were out of our lives.

I can’t say it has been a fairy tale ending. We started out great. But now a year and 6 months later dave and me tend to argue everyday. To the point where we just had a mutual break up about 2 days ago, this monday. I love him like there’s no tomorrow. And I don’t want to break up with him. I want to get married and I want to build a life with him. The twist in this part of the story is the fact that Tom never real disappeared from the picture. It was either he contacted me and I talked to him. Or it was that I contacted him. Well, I happened to contact him about a month or so before my break up with dave. So we had a basic friendship that I figured I could control as long as I kept my distance, in other words I do not trust myself around him. (Side note: Dave never approved of a friendship between Tom and me, so this is behind his back) The day of the break up my main concern was not being alone. So I called him up and set up a plan. I got to his place, we had pizza and watched tv in his room. Every time that he went in he would shut the door behind him. Then he turned of the Tv and it was just me and him in the bed. He got up and turn a candle on. I could tell where this was going. But I wanted it. I wanted it because Dave and me were no more and I just wanted to feel better and forget Dave. So Tom would tell me to come here and scoot me over to him. and turn me over so my back would be against his chest. (side note: Before when I dated Tom, thats exactly how I liked to be held. But after dating Dave for so long I changed and I found that he wouldn’t do that, so I would just face him and hold him.) When I was in that bed, I remembered that I liked to be held like that and that it hadn’t happened in soooo long, but I guess thats why when I was in bed with Dave I would always roll over in order for him to hold me. Back to tom, he would also caress my head. I always wanted that from Dave, but he never wanted to do it.

Anyways, when it rele came down to it and I decided that I was gunna make the first move and kiss him, when I turned over, I looked, and I didn’t have a pair of blue eyes staring back at me. Thats when I knew that what was gunna happen was wrong, and that if I did it I would hate myself for letting someone else other than Dave touch me like he once did, even if we were broken up. I wanted that moment to happen with Dave, not with tom. But at the same time I wanted to do that with Tom since it was a moment thing, but it would mean nothing. Especially since Tom has a girlfriend at the time. But nothing happened.

I had also planned to go back to Dave’s since we are still friends and we just broke up to let the air clear and find out if we could really make this work or if we were better of apart. When I got to Dave’s place, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted that moment with him, but he didn’t let me. He knew that that would affect the situation in a negative way that it would not solve anything and that feelings would just get hurt. Thing was that, he knew where I had been that night. And he just wanted me to confess to him, see if I would tell him the whole truth. I told him part of the truth since I know that the whole would break his heart. He got upset and almost was gunna leave me forever. I apologized and I managed to get him to let me make it up to him. he leaves for a trip on the 9th and comes back on the 17th but as of yesterday, I am not to speak with him at all till the 17th when HE calles me.

All in all, I REALLY want to be with Dave I can see myself getting old with him. But I know that one of the main things that affect my relationship with him is that I want Dave to act like Tom did when it comes to affection, and he would be perfect. I am also willing to make it up to Dave, I would do anything to be with him. It is because of dave I can’t eat, sleep, that I wake up at 4am after only to hours of sleep only to think of all the bad I did to him. that I cry that I hurt him and I cry that I can’t hold him and be by his side to call him my own. that I want to find a way to escape my body just to leave my broken heart behind. that I call back after he hangs up on me after doing it 3 times only to talk to him to make him feel better and to beg for him back.

But when it comes to Tom, he always got me, and I could always be myself with him and he demanded nothing but the best of me. Everything was fine in that relationship. The reason we broke up is still unknown to me. Anyways, today, I find myself confused. I want to go back and just have sex with him. Have sex even tho I already know that I don’t want that with him and that I will regret it, especially if Dave and I ever do get back together.

I love Dave, but him and I don’t have a lot in common we fight a lot and all the time I wish that he were more like Tom. But now that we are broken up, I gind out that I want to be with Dave because I was happy with him, him and all of his likes that I always thought that were cool and I thought were dumb. All his likes that now when I see them remind me off what im so close to losing and just makes me cry.

I do not know what I feel for Tom, I loved him so much before, but I had to let go of those feelings in order to move on. But I know that If I really look I can see myself loving him like I once did, but I would miss everything about dave. I mean he was a great guy and everything that he did I accepted and everything that he did I used to miss, but now that im with Dave, I find myself not missing them that much.

(side note: Tom and I dated for 2yrs 3-4 months)

I don’t know what to do… Any advice?

Answer #1

Wow. That was waaaaay too much info.

So your problem is that Tom is the guy that gets you hot and bothered, but Dave is the guy that touches your heart and is nicer. Which guy, you ask? Netiher.

You have conducted yourself extremely inappropriately with both men and have proven beyond any doubt, that you are not, indeed ready for a realtionship. Much less marraige! You can begin growing old with somene once you have grown up. But you’re not there yet.

You just don’t want to be alone and are dependant on someone, anyone being there for you. You you you. If I were a guy I would run for the hills, you’re lucky to have these two at all.

Dave loved you. You broke his heart and he doesn’t want to go there any more. Leave the poor guy alone. There are plenty of great guys out there. Tom , while he likes you, he really just wants to be physical more than anything with you. You’d only be screwing with Dave if you went down that road with him again. He just doesn’t light your fire and in the end, it will always be your downfall. But Tom is a complete and utter waste of time beyond maybe a casual friendship at best.

Take up some hobbies so that you dont need to be calling up one guy one month before breaking up with another just because you can’t stand sitting with yourself alone for one night. This is ridiculous–do you really need constant attention this way? You sound pretty self absorbed. Learn how to sit with yourself, to like yourself, or else it’s unfair to ask it of anyone else to do it with you.

So my advice is to join a gym or something to keep you busy from making your main boys and attention getting your main hobby. Then the next relationship you get in, make sure it’s a guy that both excites you physically as well as mentally. Then you’ll realize what a dead end road you have been on with both Dave and Tom.

Answer #2

Dont go back to Tom! It sounds like all you want out of Tom is sex, but you want a relationship with Dave. If I were you, I would want to keep trying to get Dave back, so dont give up!! Maybe your taking dave for granted. If you loved Dave, you wouldn’t want him to be like anyone else, you would want him to be Dave. Does that make sense? You have to show Dave that you love him, and you arent going to eventually get tired with him and go back to Tom. I would try to work things out with dave. I guess if you arent interested in Dave anymore, then you should move on and give Tom another try. Or you could start over, and find somebody completly different.

I hope things work out for the best :)

Answer #3

And…..i totally agree with juniperone 100%. Very well said girl!! When you get older, you’ll know exactly what she means!!

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