My daughter is 23 and still living at home, we are very frustrated with her and how she is living her life. She does have a full time job as a Dental Assistant, making very little to support herself. She pays no rent and we cover her car insurance and phone in which she pays us back. The problem is, I feel she has no respect for our home, she maybe spends 2-3 nights out of the week at home and the rest God knows where, we have trouble getting her to pay her bills to us in a timely manner. I feel she has no regard for our home and rules, she does nothing at all to help around the house, claiming that since she does nothing to mess up the house she feels she shouldn't have to help, and she does very little to even keep up her own room. I'm having trouble as the mother in taking the step to permonantly throw her out. I can't even have a reasonable conversation with her without getting very angry and upset. I've kick her out one time in the past and let her come back. She was only out for 1 week with no place to go. She accuses us of trying to control her life and her decisions and all I do is criticize and nag her. I feel I'm dealing with a rebellious teenager. She is doing everything opposite of what we taught her. God, I would like to know what happened in the past year or two. Her father won't even speak to her and hasn't for almost a month and won't speak to her until she does something more positive with her life. He claims that we have done everything as parents and gave her the resources to save and start life with a better advantage then most. Why is she turning all this down only to make life more difficult for herself, all she had to do was follow some simple rules of the house. I don't remember her being like this only in the past year. I don't know what to do, I'm afraid of the choices she will make will not be right for her. For me what's worse her living in our house by her rules or my sadness and heartbreak of maybe what will happen to her if she is out my house. I'm have a dilemma of what is worse her making insane at home or finding myself heartbroken and crying all the time that she is not at home safe and sound. I love her so much. Does anyone have any advice for me?
The always feeling guilty mother
Your story sounds almost exactly like ours except my daughter is 21 years old and doesn't have a career. She is working for a temp agency, not a steady job. We don't pay any of her bills and she doesn't pay us rent. I just told her that she had to move out and she doesn't understand why she can't live here. IS she serious! Why do these kids think they can do whatever they want and not have any consequences. I told her that this is very upsetting to me but that doesn't matter, she has to leave because she isn't doing anything with her life and I truly believe that moving out and living in the real world where you have responsibilities will motivate her to do something with her life. We refuse to be held hostage in our own home by some adult child that won't grow up! Emotionally, this is very hard for me but we have younger children that we are responsible for and I can't let this consume my whole life. So I believe that you should tell your spoiled, unrealistic, scared daughter that it's time for her to live in the real world and move out. Give her a timeframe! I gave my daughter 1 month and she doesn't even have a steady job! Tell her it's for her own good and you can't have her living there because it makes you feel better that she's safe. She'll probably be really upset and you'll feel awful but suck it up and do it! Who ever said the right thing has to make us feel happy? Hopefully one day soon you'll be able to respect her and be proud and more importantly she'll respect herself and be proud of herself! I've seen too many people allow their adult kids to live at home way too long. Doesn't do anybody any good.
You can't kick her out, not yet anyway. lol If you cant pin her down to talk to her write her a letter letting her know its time to grow up. You need to teach her some lessons on paying her own way. If I was you I would give her notice that I intended to start charging her bored (after all she is using the place like a boreding house) Put the money aside as a deposit for her when it really is time to go. She needs to start paying for her car and phone, put the phone in her name so that she can establish a credit record and explain to her that if she doesnt pay it it will get cut off. You've spoilt her. Reality check time. Maids cost money, food costs money, cars cost money. respect needs to be earned. Having said all that if she starts to do the right thing, you need to back off a little. If you treat her like an irresponsible kid she will act like one. If all that fails give her notice. I have all this to look forward to in a few short years. I have a 17 year old that does pay his own way, and has learnt the hard way the value of money and that the house wont clean it self. lol Be cruel to be kind.
maybe it would help if you stoped doing things for her ,like paying her credit cards and things like that.
so that she is not so depended on her .I raise two children im only 30 years old .I work at canadian tire only making 9.50 hour and I pull threw.you should be happy that she works for a dental assistence.and once and a while tell her how proud you are.some people these days dont want to work ...she dosnt take you serously becouse .you probably do it for her .ask yourself when she dosent clean do you do it for her ?when she cant pay her bills do you do it for her?If so then you need to stop.and if you do like paying some of her bills then maybe you need to bargin with her .let her do somthing for you like help around the house .If all fails then maybe you need to do things the hard way and tell her to leave (and it is hard to say but the problem with it is you need to stick to your guns and fallow threw .if she wants to come back she needs to fallow the rules .everyone has rules even when you are on your own.
a mothers bond is strong .she will forgive you.and say thanks.belive me.
FAMILY CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH TO HELP EACH OTHER. CATCH HER WHEN SHE IS RELAXED AN IN A GOOD MOOD AND SIT DOWN AND TALK TO HER..ON THE SERIOUS TIP. SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF THER A LITTLE BIT AND LET HER KNOW YOU ARE SERIOU. IF SHE DOES'NT GET THE MESSGE THEN LET HER FIND OUT THE HARD WAY. SHE WILL COME IN LATE ONE NIGHT AND LOCK HER BUTT OUT.. LET HER KNOW ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. TELL HER WHO EVER SHE HANGS WITH THAT LATE AT NIGHT TO LET THEM SUPPORT HER. SHE SEE'D THAT you GUY'S ARE LETTING HER GET AWAY WITH DOING THINGS THEN SHE WILL CONTINUE DOING THINGS you GUY'S DON'T LIKE. GOD BLESS..U MAAY NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS BUT PRYER DOES WORK NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
Wow!! You just described my situation, except my daughter is 22. I would love to give you answer as soon as I find one. Everyone has an opinion and it is not always as simple as people make it sound like it should be. My daughter used to drink a lot and now has a DUI. I am very disapointed and really have nothing to say to her. When I was younger my dad would just beat the crap out of me and that was that. And we still talk. Now we have to dance around our kids to get them to do what we want them to do. Good luch with your problem as I am trying to deal with mine. Maybe I will just move out.
You need to confront your daughter as a parent and tell her that she is an adult and she can't depend on you much longer. You should tell her to find a job that can fully support herself and include your plans on what you are wanting to do if she doesn't get a better job. Don't be mean about it cause it might just put more stress on her, but be firm about her situation.
I am in the same position with my 18 year old. Last night, the decision was made for me. My boyfriend who has never had children kicked her out. She had no place to go but with friends who are terrible people. I found a place for her and I. Man have no compassion. I would find a third party counselor to help you. It is a tough call for a mother.
u need to talk to her and tell her that if she doesn't straighten up and help more u will kick her out and not let her come back. Since u let her come back once, she might think she can do that again. U have to be strong and not give in. she is 23 thats to old to not pay u and help and other things.
It's your house if she cannot learn to respect your house and your rules give her the boot. . . . It's called tough love. . . I had a lot of it earlier in life. . . . she will eventually figure out that Momma knows best. . .
I think Family counseling could really help - drag her if necessary, for the good and sanity of all...I wish you the best !!