My 8 year old daughter says that I hate her and that I only say I love her because im supposed to. last night she begged me to say that I hate her and that it would make her feel better if I did. please help!
To Beth live yourlife-
Now before you read what I am about to write, keep in mind that I am telling you this from PERSONAL experience..
You claim that whenever you feel down about yourself that you feel the need to put yourself down to your boyfriend so he will reassure you.
Relying on someone else to diminish your insecurities by putting yourself down to them is a sign that going to counceling at such a young age has made you insecure with yourself and rely to much on others to make you happy. In other words, counceling at such a young age is not a good idea. Again, I am speaking from experience. I went to counceling before I was 10 myself and I suffer from the same issues. Co-reliant and insecure. We are actually quite a good example of why children should NOT go to counceling. Kids need their families and friends. Not doctors and Meds.
As for the question @ hand:
It is normal for kids to go through weird and tough times in all stages of their life. Just because different kids go through different things doesn't mean that this situation is any worse than, say, a 6-year old jelouse of her new little brother. I don't know about anyone else here, but I am 29 years old and I STILL wonder if I am a dissapointment to my Mom. Even though my mom shows me unsurmountable amounts of love and has always been there for me. Sure, maybe begging for you to say you hate her is a little strange, but she doesn't know what the real "meaning" of hate is. Like someone said earlier, she might be misconstruing the word and is is just asking for more attention. I know I used to pee down the heatervent when I was a kid just so I would get in trouble! Kids are kids. When she is 12 you will have a whole new set of worries and those will all be a normal part of life as well. Just sit her down and explain that no matter how she tells you to hate her, it will never happen and you will love her and be there for her whenever she needs it.
Right a few have said shes too young for counselling.. helllo I went to counselling when I was 7 until I was about 11. And some are saying theres nothing wrong with her. I know its normal for children to be feel somewaht unloved at times but to say "last night she begged me to say that I hate her and that it would make her feel better if I did." Im sorry but the poor little girl needs to talk about whats going on.
Also after thinking about this question a little more I can add my view; When I get really down and insecure I always say to my boyfreind "im uglu, ifat I know you think it just say it, just say it" So it could be to do with being insecure about your love and wanting re eassurance.
Maybe it would be an idea to speak to her first but if you cant get the answer out of her and she carries on like this what are you going to do? You'll have to take her to a counseller!! You cant let tings like that go on, your child needs to feel loved. Im not saying you dont show her love but she needs to REALISE you do infact love her. I cant belive people are disagreeing with counselling? It helps millions of people and children (like me) overcome lots of differnt things. Would you rather people carried on in silence?
Children have problems with expressing their anger and emotions. They have a smaller vocabulary and it's harder for them to tell you exactly how they feel. She may not completely understand the way she is feeling and 'hate' is how most people (adults) describe something they don't like, so she's mimicking that. So, if she's doing something that she shouldn't be and you correct her, she may take it as you 'hate' her because you 'don't like' the bad behavior.
What's going on when she begins to act out? What's stemming her behavior? You have to ask yourself these questions in order to figure out exactly what emotion she is having...Are there any lifestyle changes taking place that may make her feel like she's lower on you priority list?? There's a lot of little things that could all add up to this, you just have to narrow it down.
I would need more back round to narrow it down more than that...kids are really complex when it comes down to it. We can't think like kids, and they can't explain things to us! Try talking to her, and asking her why she feels that way, like juicyblonde28 said. Hopefully she'll open up. Just be calm and make sure it's one on one with no interruptions.
I too, think this is very normal behaviour and is just part of her emotional development.
Around the age of 7 or 8 we start to understand where we fit into the world and how it relates to us.. we become much more aware of our individual thoughts and feelings, and we are now capable of questioning the motives of others. It's really not till we're about 11 or 12 when we can have more of an understanding of fairness and until that time, we're still quite self-centred.
Sometimes, "I LOVE YOU" becomes this mindless phrase we tack on to the end of things. Before we hang up the phone, or say goodbye... goodnight... Why not spend a little more time than usual with your daughter to share with her what qualities she has that you love - things that set her aside from other people? That may do a lot for her self image too.
This is also the age where you can teach her to look beyond the surface -- read between the lines, notice body language... examples of when we say one thing and mean something else. She sounds like a very bright child who thinks deeply about things. Keep the lines of communication more open than ever before.
feeling as though your mom hates you is very normal at her age. though it's not too normal for her to ask you to tell her you hate her, it may be her way of coping with something.
Did you two argue recently ? Did you scold her recently for anything ?
Perhaps she thinks you don't give her enough attention. In many cases children in that age range, who think their parents hate them feel like they're not getting the attention they deserve from their parents. Perhaps, she also feels like you give the attention to someone else. She may be jealous of someone else and trying to obtain your attention by saying those things. If you responded to her first saying that by giving her tons more attention, and reassuring her that you love her, she may be doing it to get the same response.
Do you live with anyone else she may be jealous of ? Even if it is a pet, children, just like animals,get extremely jealous of other children or animals in the household.
no she doesn't I was the same
when I was that age she probelly just feels that your not giving her anough
atention maybe because she thinks you like somone else better then her and
your pushing her away for that person whoever that might boyfriend husband siblings parants cousins enything she also might think you only pretend you love because your obligated as a parant and not because you think of her as person you have to understand that evan though shes only 8 shes old anough to understand when someone doesn't accept her for who she is but for what she is
my only advice is try to prove to her that you love her more then enything in the world and no matter what happens youl always be on her side
kids need to feel that so that they feel protected from everything thats happening around them and know they have someone to turn to
I do have the same problem with my daughter , she thinks I love her brother more , which is not true , but his personality is weaker than hers thats why maybe I help him a lot , but that doesnot mean I love him more than her , she talks to me in an agreesive way , she is very nice to her father , iam trying everynow and then to take her with me alone any place she would like to make her feel special , if you do have any other solution please email me
thanks a lot
and to all you people who sead that she has phycholigel problems and needs profesionel help I really dont think thats the case
feeling unloved is something that every kid goes threw including you people who probelly dont remember beeing in that position if you want to help someone you have to look at there problems threw there eyes not yours
Whatever you do dont say you hate her. Say this to her. "if I really hated you I could give you away. But I wont because I love you I dont hate you. If me saying I hate you will make you feel betterthan you will feel pretty darn rotton all your life because I will never tell you that since its a lie.
it's normal for a kid to think you hate them and to say they hate you but to want you to say it to them it seems that may be the way she get's out her anger don't give in and do as some others have said take her to a therapist she may hate it but she will love you in a few years from now
quit pathologizing the poor kid people...
talk to her. ask her why she thinks you hate her. You might get behind what's going on. Does she have siblings? Just keep reassuring her that you love her no matter what...
Only her age - your actions show her the opposite, she knows you really love her - just going through a lot at her age - just be there as I'm sure you will - this too will pass, don't worry !!
ask her why she hates you. have you done anything recently to upset her? instead of talking online, just talk to her. there must be a reason for this. find it.
it seems your daughter has some real pyschological issues and I think the best thing is to take her to the doctors/ pyschiatrist/ to see a councellor x
dont take her to counseling
shes 8 for god's sakes
just ask her why she thinks that..
take it from there
umm maybe your not spending that much time wit her... take her out hang out wit her "mother daughter time"
She need to see a speacilist that is somewhat normal but begging is so not