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Why cant I stop thinking about my cat that died 2 days ago?

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My wonderful cat of only 1 1/2 years old that I have had since she was 4 weeks old had to be put down 2 days ago. She went into her first heat and got pregnant. Everything seemed to be going good and finally 5 days ago she went into labor. She had 2 beautiful kittens that were very healthy. However over the next 2 days I had noticed that she looked very weak and was still having contractions. We thought and were told by a friend who knows about cat birth that she was just trying to push the placenta out. We finally got worried and took her to the animal hospital and they told us that they could feel at least 2 more abnormal kittens in her abdomen.. They tried everything to get her to give birth but it failed. The said that she had to have a C section or she would die. So the next morning I rushed her to the animal hospital fearing that it was going to be to much for me to pay for. However I was very happy when they told me it was only $300. At this point jojo (my cat) seemed to be better since they had fluids in her and I thought she was going to make it. Well they rushed her into surgery and they called me that she was out and that when they did the C section that they found a nasty infection inside. Apparently the 2 kittens that were in there were putting toxins into her blood because they had died. They said that it seems that 2 kittens tired to go into the birth canal at the same time and it caused them to get stuck.. Anyways, they gave her antibiotics shots for the infection. They told me that they almost didn’t think she was going to wake up from the surgery. So after she got out of surgery they made it seem like everything was going to be okay. However they called me an hour later and told me that she was not doing good and was starting to have seizures. Apparently when they did the C section the infection got into her blood. So they put her on anti seizure meds and told me that we would have to wait and see if that would help. So another few hours pass by and they called and told me that they were loosing her. This was the most horrifying news I had ever had. I felt empty inside. I cried so badly. They finally told me that it was time to let go.. I knew that I didn’t want her to suffer but she was our family cat and the thought of loosing her was unbelievable.. So I finally told them that I agree we needed to put her down. They said they didn’t think she was going to make it long enough for me to get there to put her down. I was so scared I wouldn’t get to say good bye. However when I got there it was too late. The seizures got to her brain and she was officially "Brain Dead". When they brought her into the room she was having seizures and it hurt me so bad that I thought I was going to die. Even though she was seizing I told her in her ear that we love her and will never forget her and that she was a strong fighter. At that point they euthanized her while I was holding her. I have never felt so empty or hurt in my life. I keep blaming myself thinking that I should have taken her to the vet the 1st day after she was still having contractions. I should have known. To also make everything worse her 2 healthy kittens had no mom now. They wanted me to take them and bottle feed them. I didn’t know where to begin. I let a friend take them because she said she new what to do.. The next day she told me one got weak and died. And then the other one had gotten eaten by there dog. She said that they left the kitten in the closet and the dog got in there and killed her. I am so mad and upset I don’t even know what to say or do.. I can’t help but think about the kittens. I feel like its my fault they died as well. I just don’t understand why god is doing this to me. Esp. right here at Christmas time. I miss my cat and her kittens and don’t even know how to cope. Can anyone with experiences such as mine please tell me there stories and how they coped? I am so sad and can’t think clearly. Thank you all for listening.