She is constantly yelling (even though we don't) back talking, leaving dishes under furniture and eating EVERYTHING not leaving any for her little brother and sister. We've already taken cell away, internet, etc.. she has good grades but only by luck .. if i ask her to study.. she says she has "nothing to study for" Most recently she lost two textbooks worth $90 dollars each that we now have to pay for, and ate an entire box of Eggos and a carton of Ice cream which she hid the container under the bathroom sink... when I asked her (again) why she did it she said," I don't really care." It really embarrasses me when she acts this way because I know I raised her better. Help?
She has good grades by luck? You actually believe that? She just sits down and happens to circle the right answer every time? There's no such thing as getting good grades by luck. She's either really smart, or she's doing her work without you knowing. Give her a little credit. She must be doing something right. Even if you are not observing the process. And how do you think she feels when mom can't even be happy that she's getting good grades? Is she gaining weight by any chance? What you're seeing as selfish behavior, is a little odd. Binge eating like that, and then hiding the evidence (why do you think she put the container under the bathroom sink? because she didnt want you to know she'd finished an entire carton of icecream... the real question is not why the container was under the sink, but why she feels the need to hide what she's eating...). The backtalk and the yelling are normal teen behaviors (and you need to address it, my suggestion, try to communicate instead of trying to teach her who is boss, a power struggle doesn't help anyone. Yes, you are the parent and you set the rules. But if you act as someone who is doing it in her best interest, not in yours, you might get further with her). The rest of it, I think needs further exploration.
She is a teenager. Unfortunately, it's actually pretty normal. I know it's hard not to, but don't be embarrassed. It only makes matters worse. Has anything happened lately? Something really bad that could be causing her pain? Sometimes teens do things to get attention. It's a really big step from kid to teen. Your hormones are raging, and even though it's not true sometimes, we feel like everyone expects everything out of us. Maybe you just need to talk to her, alone. You know,girl to girl. As a warning, she won't cooperate, but she will listen. Tell her you know how she's feeling. Tell her to talk you about anything, and you won't be upset or angry. Tell her don't be afraid to tell you anything. She won't say anything and will probably won't show any feeling or any expression. Trust me, she hears you. She will probably be thinking about what you said while she's trying to go to bed that night. When she does things like you explained, don't tal to her about it. Just clean it up without saying a word. She feeds off of you lecturing her and fussing at her( it gives her more reason to be mad). She will respond better to your silence. Please, try this. I really hope you get through to her. :)
tell her how much you love and care about her. but her behaviour deeply hurts you. reward her for the good grades and let her know how proud you are of her(very important) There could be a reason for this behaviour your not aware of. Talk to her in a non confronting way and accept anything she tells you with understanding. If she knows she can talk to you without critisizim or losing your temper im sure this behaviour will stop. calmly set your boundries and also explain why. If your teenager is getting good grades, you must of done something right, maybe she needs a little more trust and responsibility. Trust in the values you instilled in her cause im sure she wont let you down. :)
By being stricter. Unfortunatly most teens are extremely hard headed and nothing you can say to her will change her mind. If shes eating all the junk food in the house, stop buying it, or lock it up in a cabinet to where she has to ask for it. If shes yelling and acting up, dont allow her to have a life what so ever. Take the door off her room, dont let her have a tv, radio, etc, dont let her leave the house unless shes with the family. When i was a teen i did my share of disrespectful things...but they always had harsh consequences and although i hated it at the time, it made me act right and apologize when i had no life and no door.
I agree with Ty, she deserves credit for getting good grades. You can't make good grades by luck. How do you think that makes her feel when she is doing good in school, but you don't seem to care? You should praise her for that, maybe make her feel a little better. Also, did you ever think she may have a serious problem with the eating? She isn't just doing it to p!ss you off, I'm sure. It sounds like she may be depressed...or something. Perhaps you should take her to see a counselor...and start giving her praise when she does do good things...that way, she will probably do more good things if she see's it makes you happy.
Take more authority. It sounds to me, she gets away with things easily. She lost her books worth $90, tell her if she wants another book, go and do chores or babysitting so she earn them back. Set some consequences! Trust me you have to be hard on her, she won't like it but she'l learn from it. Most importantly take time out once and a while to sit down and talk to her, just mother to daughter, even if it takes a few minutes. Communicate, and you'll know how she trully feels and you'l learn why she does the things shes doing. Keep in mind, teenage years is when you experience the most bumpy roads.
All you can do is make consequences for her actions. In a few years your daughter will be responsible for herself and the world will provide consequences but until then it is up to you. All teenagers test their boundaries; give her some boundaries. A little tough love now will ease the transition to her being on her own.
Most teenagers do eat a lot. Eggos and ice cream are not the greatest food choices but if she is hungry she is going to eat. Unless you are going to implement rationing the solution here is to buy more.
You cant just get good grades by chance. She is probably doing her homework and studying before you get home or in study hall. And the food thing if she isnt gaining weight she my be binging and purging. Make sure your praise her for her good work in school even if you thinks it by chance cause then she knows you care about her. Try to talk to her to see why she is acting that way. Remember she is a teenager, everyone acted rude sometime or another while they were a teenager (not that that is a good excuse)
I have a teenage son. I find pulling the heavy usually backfires with teenagers. I found I made far better ground, focusing on the positive and reminding him of the rewards of good behaviour. Those that act like a responsible adult get treated like one, those that act like a child get treated like one. My son generally is very respectful and well behaved because he knows that that behaviour will allow him to stay out later, play more video games etc. etc.
I never studied much in high school either, so you're right, when I hit college I didnt have great study habits. It took me a year to figure it out. I graduated with a 3.84. It isnt the end of the world. Also, you'll note how different those things sound. 'I'm concerned about how you'll do in college without good study habits' vs. 'you never study'.
She gets credit.. I'm very proud of her. I just "meant" that when I was in High School i rarely studied and got decent grades but I never learned good study habits so when I got to college I didn't know how to study effectively. That is my concern. I didn't mean by luck, I take that back.
The problem is, her stepdad is very strict and I am the one who always does the "positivity" its like good cop, bad cop. But she freaks out at both of us. :/ Right now she has nothing, no cell, no social life outside of extracurricular activities.. we'll see! Thanks for your advice!
and no she is not gaining/losing weight.. she is about 120ish and very fit she's a sporty girl..... im a stay home mom so i know what she does when she's here.. she does not have an eating disorder she's just growing i guess.
You're the parent here. Sit here down, talk to her, and let her know who's the boss. She can't be taking control of you all the time. How old is she?
Well as a child I was hell on wheels, my parent put me in military school, this straighten me up quick.
My parents would beat me, that seemed to be a great solution back in the day.