How can I encourage my lazy sons to pay their own bills?

I told my son that if he moved to the area that I live that I would help him “get on his feet”. He’s been here for months and has been living off of me like a parasite while he doesn’t even look for work or try to get his unemployment. I rented him an apartment and my youngest son is staying there as well. Neither of them work. One is a Iraqi vet. They just sit around and get high all day and watch cable… meanwhile, I pay for EVERYTHING!!!

Answer #1

I’m glad I could help. I would recommend you tell them now that you’ve paid their last bills and that this next set (the January 1st ones) is on them. They still have plenty of time to get jobs. Department stores are still hiring for temps, and even if it means they get jobs at gas stations or Mc Donalds, they’ll be able to do it.

You should be very proud of yourself for wanting to put things back together for them. You’ve laid the groundwork and provided stability. Now be their constant and let them know that if it comes down to a life and death situation, you’ll intervene (as in, God forbid, they need medical help), but other than that, it’s time for them to be the MEN they can be and DESERVE to be. They may be angry for a while, but give it time, and they’ll thank you.

There is no feeling like accomplishing something on your own and making your own way. That is the BEST gift you can give your children. :)

Answer #2

Honestly I see where you are coming from. You are worried about your kids learning and taking responsibility. But they aren’t kids anymore; they’re adults! Your one child is an Iraqi veteran. He knows how to handle himself! He just isn’t because you are. Tell them that you are done paying their bills. And then DON’T pay them anymore! It’s just that dead simple. If they show up, don’t let them in. Offer to help them write resumes and even offer to help them out by getting them a nice interview outfit. Help them by doing mock interviews and helping them come up with answers to common questions. But that is IT- that is all your obligation is as a mother at this point in the game. Help them help themselves- these are two men who are behaving like boys; and they will continue to do so as long as you let them. My parents are taking care of me right now because I have a baby (I was kicked out by my ex husband). I feel guilty every day that I am there because I’m not on my own. I pay my own bills, and take care of everything that my son needs, but it is STILL a blow to my self-esteem and self- worth as a parent that I’m not 100% independent. You are damaging your children’s self esteem by allowing them to mooch. Their self worth will dwindle because they aren’t being the men that they can be. They lack motivation. Motivate them! Stop writing the checks, and they’ll get jobs. They’re smart enough not to starve.

Answer #3

that was really helpful kdsmm, as was all the other answers!

Maybe I will tell them that as of Jan1, they are on their own financially.

But, they won’t believe me and will probably not bother looking for jobs till things get shut off!! yikes!

Answer #4

You have a problem setting boundaries. If they show up at your door, lock the door. They’ll not starve, they won’t freeze. They’ll go from friend’s couch to friend’s couch until they get sick of them, too, and have no choice but to find their own way. Set a limit and stick to it.

Ever watch Intervention? :) It would do you some good.

Answer #5

They only smoke weed and the oldest one drinks a lot too. They go on and on about how this isn’t a drug addiction. But, it’s ALL they do.

I have seen intervention and I’m not sure that smoking weed would qualify as they hard core of a problem.

However, I’ve only seen the show a few times… seems like hard core alcoholics etc…

Answer #6

Ty is right, you are enabling. If you want them to take responsibility for their lives, give them a reason to do so. At this point, they HAVE no bills to pay, so why would they care about employment?

Answer #7

They know that I will not let them starve or go without shelter.
They will show up at my doorstep expecting to move in with me and suck me dry. I don’t know how to shake them.

Answer #8

im sorry.

but its really pathetic that these two children are adult men.

especially that one of them is a vet??

the hell..

why are you putting up with this?

you son was fighting in a war…how did you let this happen? why are you allowing this to happen?

this doesnt seem to cross my mind…

Answer #9

oh also, I did get them to agree to go to school. But, they aren’t showing any initiative with any of it… I am doing all the work to get them in.

Now I’m wondering how they will ever actually DO their school work…

They were both abusive to me during their teens… I’m a single mom, their dad won’t help them and he’s the one who started giving them weed when they were little and alcohol. It was a situation that I wasn’t aware of, we were divorced. So now, I’m stuck putting things back together. I don’t want to give up on them, they may end up like him. :(

Answer #10

I think you should tell them that you have been paying for them, and yourself for too long now. You need to look at what you need. Tell them they need to look for jobs or you’ll stop helping them. You just need to give them a little kick to get them going. I understand they are your sons, but they can’t live off you forever. Eventually they will get married and have their own children, and that will be even harder once they do that because that’s a lot more you’re going to have to pay for. Just let them know that you need to think about yourself and you have been helping them for long enough. A few months is way more than enough time for atleast one of them to have gotten a job. ~Britt xx

Answer #11

I think they are so lazy that they would starve to death.

Answer #12

This is what we call ENABLING. Stop enabling your children’s drug problems. Stop paying for them.

Answer #13

dont tell them.


kick them out. and if they dont like it, sucks.

thats the only way people learn. actions. not words

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