What should I do after catching my husband at a bar?

I work pm shift and have come home and my husbands not home and he wont answer his phone.I call the babysitter and he still hasnt picked up the kids. So in the wee morning hours he comes home drunk. So last friday I took off work and went to his job 3 hours befor he says he gets off. I saw his truck leaving and fallowed him. I called him just to say hi. He said oh I have to work late becaues a machine broke at work so I have to stay late, as he drove to the bar. I stayed outside in my car for 3 hours while he drank with co workers. I called more then 40 times and he wouldnt answer. Finally he answers. I said it sounds like you have been drinking? He says “thats why we have so many problems because your always acusing me of drinking while im at work”. Id had it, I walked into the bar to the surprize of everyone, sat down next to him and said workin late huh? I dont know what to do. I can never trust him. He now says he lies because I get mad when he wants to drink with guys. No, I get mad because he drinks and drives, leaves work at 3 and does not come home until midnight. Leaves the kids at the sitters (his mom) and then asks me to help out with rent when he makes more then 2x what I make and I already pay 2 car payments and utillities with my check and just picked up a 2nd p/t job. Is this normal guy sh*t? He put it all on me when I was right all along. Along.

Answer #1

You know it’s a bad scene when you’re taking days off to follow your husband down to the local bar. Couple therapy is probably your best bet at saving your marriage mostly because it sounds like your both at a point where neither of you are truly listening and both of you are frustrated as hell. Obviously this situation can’t continue so it’s time for both of you to put your cards on the table and see what can be done to salvage the love you have for eachother. Once trust has been broken it takes a lot of soul searching and patience to build it up again.

I think that the major issue here isn’t that he takes the afternoon off or that he drinks with his buddies but more likely that you feel he isn’t being responsible and up front enough (ex. not picking up the kids, not doing what he says he will do, lying about his where abouts). That you hound him out of frustration can be understood but cutting him some slack might not be all bad. You both have to try to find a solution that works for you and makes you meet half ways. (ex. agree on specific days that he can do as he pleases but underline that he has to put his family responsibilities as a priority) As for financial problems, everyone’s got them. If you need help paying bills and think he isn’t participating enough tell him and ask him to help you. Don’t put yourself in a situation that you can’t afford (ex. the second car payment should be transfered to his account, avoid loans when possible!). Both of you should split the costs of living equally and both should try not to overspend or strain the family income. Marriage is team work! Of course everyone has their faults and strengths, learn what your good at and split things accordingly. As for the faults, work on them, negotiate and learn to compensate by your good sides.

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