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Who thinks this is a good start to a story?
The trees whooshed by in a blur of greens and browns as Phoebe flew by, staying close to the ground. Her caramel-colored hair stuck to the salty tears streaming down her face. She was crying because the boy she loved, Jimmy Carol, was in grave danger. Jimmy was on a date, right now, with a girl named Sally. Sally was an evil sorcerer’s daughter who was out to get people who have special powers, like flying. Jimmy was in danger because, one afternoon, Phoebe went over to Jimmy’s house to tell him how she felt, and she saw him flying around in his backyard. Phoebe shook away the memory. She was so distracted by her sadness that she didn’t notice the poisonous arrow until it struck her in the back. Phoebe plummeted towards the ground, her face molded in a silent scream.
Not bad, but it’s a little rushed….can you try easing into the descriptives instead of just slapping them down?
Ok… I’ll try to work on that… Thanks :)
sounds like an interesting story line, but i have to agree with Colleen… try to make it a bit longer….keep the people in suspense a little while longer wanting & waiting to read more to find out what happens next! :)
i agree w whats already been said. i think it might have too many details right up front. love the action but try not to get into it too fast, make the people want to keep reading, and never stop. love that last sentence, tho :)
i love all of it, dont get me wrong, sorry. but esp the last sentence, makes me want to hear what happens next! :)
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