My wife and I are both 24 and we have been married for a year and 4 months. We never slept together before we were married for relgious reasons, but we were both very horny and ready to go. She told me that she wanted to have sex every day. Now we have been married for all this time and we quickly found out when we got married that sex is uncomfortable and unpleasent for her. She says it is only physical uncomfort and pain, but I think it has a large mental aspect. I thought this would pass, but more than a year later it is still going on. I have a very strong sex drive, but she has dissmissed sex as something that she doesn't like and has basically decided not to do it anymore. I don't know what to do, because now I find myself fantasizing about old girlfriends (I had a very erotic dream last night about an old girl friend). I also find myself looking at girls on campus and fantasizing about them (we are both college students). I am not going to go and look for an affair, but I am afraid that if one came to me then I would go with it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to split up with my wife, she is my best friend and I love her very much, but I can't just not have sex anymore. When I try to talk about it, she just tells me to go get a prostitute, but I am smarter than to go stick my jimmy in any oraface of a hooker. Should I just find some f***buddy, or should I just get over it and live a life of celibacy just because I unknowingly fell in love with an asexual woman?
I am a married woman and a Ph.D. candidate in Psychology and Sociology, so I've read a great deal of research on pertinent topics. Despite that, I'm definitely not an expert, however, I do have some things to add that could be helpful.
Many people have already given good advice. Yourfriend's comment about a woman's menstrual cycle is important: she will be the most sexually areeable when she ovulates, about 7-10 days before her period begins. She will be the least so after her period ends.
It's important for men to remember that society continually reinforces that women need to protect their sexuality, not be a "whe" or "st," and offers little to no information, help, or support for them when they are supposed to become the sexual minxes men hope they have married.
Social pressures, whether they are obvious or not, have a direct impact on the way that women think about and respond to sex. While this is true for men as well, the fact that most women approach sex in a more mental way than most men makes the impact more significant. A marriage counselor could help with issues along this front. There are things you can do, too.
Fantasies are important to the sexual stimulation of many women and you can help by making your partner feel safe and comfortable admitting she has them. She may consciously or subconsciously feel like you'll think she's crazy or slu**y (again because of the social pressures mentioned above), so your encouragement could help her explore them. If she really refuses that she has fantasies, start by telling her about something she does that fufills a fantasy of yours. Start with something non-sexual (like the way she smiles and genuinely laughs when you tell a joke), then in a few days try something that is sexual (like how much thinking about her curves makes boring work meetings endurable). This can help her self esteem while telling her that you have and understand fantasies. Knowing what she fantasizes about is very important when trying to figure out what you should SAY to turn her on in bed, not just what you should do.
Specifics about what you should do obviously depend on the people involved, like whether she wants you (or her) to be submissive or dominant in bed. If you're a really great guy who is normally easy going, she might like to be surprised by you taking the lead in making sure she's sexually satisfied ... even if it's at your expense for a time or two. Look at some books or ask your guy friends (NOT other women) if you need some new ideas. If you're a normally demanding guy, she may enjoy being the one in control in bed (but you would need to be prepared for her to learn how to make this work). Surprise her (while still making sure she feels safe).
That being said, one example is to ask her what she would do if you were the delivery guy and wanted more than her signature? Encourage her to describe it. Reward her for the effort in a non sexual way, like bringing home a chick flick she would like but you would normally veto, or ask her to go clothes shopping with you and choose something that she thinks makes you look hot, or a little dangerous - the important part is to associate non-sexual positive events with her exploring the mental aspects of her sexuality. It works kind of like Pavlov's dog experiment. Porn can work as a stimulant, too, but that may be something you need to work toward since many people consider it taboo.
Theoretically speaking, research has also demonstrated that men's sexual peak is about 20 years earlier than a woman's. I would argue that this is only secondarily important (that other things have a greater impact on the frequency of sex than this does), this may be a greater factor for some couples than others.
Physically, some women need to be on top to have an orgasm, but that can take a lot of work. Try to make her orgasm as easy as possible for her. I know that one writer said that no amount of pleasurable oral sex made his wife interested in sex. So, making sure she's mentally engaged in the sex, in your connection will help. Women need to be motivated by more than the promise of physical pleasure. Our bodies are designed to forget physical sensations - that's why we can have more than one baby without killing our spouses for getting us pregnant - but that obviously also effects the way we remember the pleasantness of sex. That can also be seen as a positive for women who haven't always had pleasurable sex because it will be hard for them to really remember how not pleasant it was (just make sure your next effort is better!).
Finally, remember that there are seven erogonous zones. DO NOT touch her breasts, clitoris, or vagina until she asks or her breathing and heart rate are obviously faster. Kiss the inside of her wrist, offer her a massage, kiss her neck, then start talking about something that will turn her on, go from there.
As a married woman myself, who tries very hard to be enlightened and adventurous, I definately don't seem to want sex as often as my husband, but I certainly haven't given up trying to help my husband understand what I need, but sometimes even I'm a little embarassed.
Marrying someone who is compatible in every other way should make this work a little easier, but marriage requires work - you just want to work smarter and try new tactics, not work harder at forcing things that haven't worked before. And, PLEASE, do not be passive agressive like the guy withholding sex from his wife, just saying he's not interested when she asks; if you're at that point you should really seek professional counseling, not just for your marriage, but the way you handle with stress and solve problems. We don't always know what we don't know, which means we need help finding new ideas and plans. Sometimes that comes from your spouse and sometimes it comes from outside professionals.
JOin the party Sir. Read my story and stop complaining.
Iâm one of the many husbands (possibly wives) out there whoâs kids tripped over the cord on the sex machine, ripping the plug right out of the wall. That humming and sputtering sound you hear is the machine slowly grinding itâs way to a gear freezing halt, its future destination: â the appliance graveyard under the sink where the Salad Shooter currently resides.
Somebody help me out here â what do you do when your partner in life is great in every other way, but is a passion(less) fish in the bedroom? While, you yourself are one serious horn dog? For the sake of the kids, do you suck it up and be unhappy hoping and praying that your sex drive will start to wane? Do you continue to take matters into your own hands until youâve exhausted every masturbatory move known to man including several youâve taken it upon yourself to invent? I recommend the âUnder the leg, Tiger Claw holdâ â patent pending. Do you consider taking anti-depressants just for the libido reducing side effect? Hell, Iâm depressed anyway, might as well kill two birds with one stone.
Yes, I am at fault for marrying my wife â I literally knew what bed I was making and chose to lie in it, so maybe I have no reason to complain. Even before the kids came along our sex drives were not aligned, but we worked on it. Sex was never an area where she was interested in making a investment or being adventuresome. Sure, sheâll spend three weeks looking to find the perfect sofa cushions, but two minutes to put on a piece of lingerie isnât worth the time, it just comes off anyway. Although it just donned on me â maybe some role-playing is what we need. She can be the sexy interior decorator and Iâll dress up as the perfect antique coffee table â a perfect coffee table is HOT! - Queue porn music.
I am a good and considerate lover, always concentrating on her needs in the bedroom. I will happily go down on her for as long as she wants, and when I do the big O hits like a hammer. If thatâs the case, why doesnât she want it more often â I just donât get it. If it feels that good, why not experience it al the time? No need for a special occasion, but if necessary we can create one, âA new bottle of shampoo! Hey great, letâs fuck!!â I know she may be self conscious about her body, but sheâs beautiful to me. Message to my wife â you are the sexiest woman on the planet when you choose to be.
And no, I donât look like Quasimodo â Iâm actually in good shape, and the same weight I was when we were married o so long ago. And, Iâm not one of these dipshit husbands that goes out with his friends to play video games until the wee hours of the morning â I donât have any interest in an XBOX, I just want my wifeâs box. Nope, I get it â I buy her flowers, I do the dishes, I work as a partner around the house. I express affection even when Iâm not looking for sex â okay, I pretend Iâm not looking for sex. I donât have a drinking or drug problem, Iâm not abusive, and Iâm not a lazy piece of shit. No, I have a good job, Iâm a good father, Iâm reliable, responsible, and a really great guy - apparently humble too.. On the weekends I stay with the kids so she can get a break, â I sincerely appreciate what she does for us, but being a stay at home Mom doesnât give her the right to neglect her husband.
Maybe Iâve just spent too long placing her needs ahead of my own that its become a paradigm that will be impossible to reverse. But you know what, I deserve better. Iâm not asking for much just a little sex, and maybe taking the initiative to start something once in a whileâ¦or put 1% of the energy you spend on wanting other things (newer better house, new clothes, new body) to wanting your husband. And for the love of God, show some fucking creativity once in a while â I would be willing, make that eager, to try anything once. She wonât admit to it, but sheâs got to have some kind of twisted fantasy buried deep inside â whatever it is, Iâll do it! âHoney, I hate to admit it but Iâd love to paint your toenails and then beat you with a raw pork chop.â âOkay, do you want to use an extra lean cut or something with a lot of bone?â
I would throw this out there as a warning to my fellow man/woman â if sex is truly important to you, make sure youâre sexual soul mates. Donât believe those discussions where your spouse says, âitâs not going to be different after we have kids,â because you know what â IT IS - and itâs really, really going to suck. After a couple of years youâll feel like your soul is eroding â youâll feel hurt, rejected, and very angry. After a while youâll find yourself online, anonymously bitching to thousands of strangers. In the long run I know it will be worth it, being a father is an amazing experience, maybe the gain is worth the pain â but itâs a significant amount of pain. And, Iâm just not a selfish enough prick to give up being able to see my kids on a daily basis just so I can get some action. Nope, Iâm pretty much screwed.
Yes, communication is the key to any good relationship â unfortunately weâve already communicated this to death. Thereâs just not much you can do when the answer to âwhat can I/We/anybody do to help youâ is âI donât know.â Talk to somebody, take a pill, push a button, just try something, anything. My sanity is slowlyâ¦.slippingâ¦.away.
Unfortunately this was going to be another 2,000 word essay on why my wife hates me or the sex I provide for her (possibly both), but I've decided to change all that and delve into the possible reasons why. Maybe if I just list every theory I've had as to why, I (and maybe you) could find my (yes and maybe your) problem(s).
Here are the top reasons:
She hates me secretly although she tells me daily otherwise.
She hates sex.
She was sexually abused as a child. A uncomfortable and displeasing theory to be sure but obvious (to me at least) nonetheless.
Lets discuss these. And by "lets" I mean "let me", and by "discuss these" I mean "rant at you in hope to find an answer to my (and remember possibly your) dilemma.
First: She hates me. This theory I reject outright. She obviously loves me. She is attentive to my other "needs". She is an excellent mother to my children. She takes note of what I would like to have for dinner. She tells me everyday she loves me and I believe her when she says it (not that fake desperate belief that folks often generate in their minds to shield themselves from real feelings, but genuine truth one would instantly recognize). We've been married for 7 years together for 11. Straight. Not 11 years "off-and-on". There was never a "break". For her to put up with me for 11 years in a row she must truly love me.
Secondly: She hates sex. This theory also is out with me in my case but lets discuss it anyway (who's looking out for you huh?). When (I'm lucky) we do have sex it is a wonderful event, there's passion, there's pleasure, for her and (of course) for me. She has fun. She can't deny that she loves the act when she so partakes. There are no fake moans. She doesn't lay motionless on the bed and wait for me to finish. She is open to new things (I won't go any further than that on the subject, but lets call her adventurous). She attends to my needs in bed. She senses my mood at the time and will adjust hers (within reason) to heighten the experience. All in all she quite likes sex.
Thirdly: She was abused as a child. The one I'd rather avoid but for the sake of an answer I believe I mustn't avoid this subject. This theory is a possibility however grim and disgusting. I would think that women who were abused as children have a hard time dealing with sex and may have psychological and/or physical effect on the way they view and experience sex. Although my wife doesn't show any of these symptoms, I would be hard pressed to pinpoint exactly what to look for. As far as I know she grew up in a well rounded household, her father a successful businessman, her mother a loving and caring individual whom I love and respect like my own. She had a sister who is equally loving and is in fact my wife's best friend. I know that abuse is not necessarily restricted to the home I couldn't think of anyone else who would/could do this. Perhaps such acts take a certain personality to relate with. In any case I found no one in her past that strike me as such a person. My wife has said she was never abused but she had had boyfriends who were abusive but none of them were long term and she says its not an issue with her.
Another theory I've heard of is one I like to call the "Nesting Instinct". Once a women becomes a mother you stop being her lover and begin your new life as provider (A.K.A. Husband). The woman also changes her role. She become a caretaker, and one of the cares that ranks real low on her list of things to care for is sex. She sometimes is overwhelmed by the amount of responsibilities she is now charged with and will be mentally if not physically exhausted when it comes time for her lower ranking ones. One could say that doesn't (care for...ha ha) like sex, but to say that would be unfair as the difference between liking sex and being able to enjoy herself during sex is just that. A difference. Its not that she doesn't like sex, or that she wouldn't like to have sex, its that she hasn't the energy to fully enjoy herself.
In conclusion, I think this problem will continue to plague mankind for many moons. Its not that there is no answer, its there is no ONE answer. There are countless answers to infinite problems regarding this area. The real problem is that couples (including my wife and I) ignore or otherwise neglect said problems until it is (often) too late and cannot be fixed. Thus, I propose the following: Discuss this with your wife as I will try to do mine. Talk it out until the talking becomes snapping and the snapping becomes yelling and the yelling becomes tearful screams and those in turn become sympathetic whispers. Let your wife know that this is, in fact, a problem an that you care enough to not just let it build into a catastrophe. Let her know that rather than lose her over time to the relentless silence that would overcome you both you will continue to fight this problem until there is a solution. Let her know you love her. Tell her. Show her. Let her know that you know (that I know that you know) you appreciate all she does for you and your family. Let her know how you feel about your frustration and how much her rejection hurts you. Save your marriage. I love you all.
It's so good to hear from other people with this problem! I have a strong s3x drive and am trapped in a s3xless marriage.
My wife and I fell in love in 1982. At first, our s3x life was pretty good. She never initiated s3x, she never wanted to do anything at all out of the ordinary (like even take a shower together), but in the beginning we had s3x pretty frequently and she seemed to like it just fine. We got married in 1986. Our s3x life continued, falling off gradually. She was not very keen on s3x; the only thing she'd ever talk about during s3x was how much she hated putting in her diaphram, which rather spoiled the mood, and she didn't have too much enthusiasm, despite the fact that she had org*sms every time. But it was still reasonably OK through 1991.
Then our son was born. Life was stressful for the first two years, what with the baby being hyperactive, not sleeping through the night, and being a lot of work as babies go. Finally, after two years, we got someone to babysit overnight, and we went on a little trip to a hotel. At night, I started hugging her in a way that would suggest I was initiating s3x. She curled up into a little ball and started crying. She told me she didn't know what was wrong.
For the next seven years we were in marital therapy and s3x therapy. In a nutshell, it was a complete waste of time. Don't bother recommending anything to me that a competent therapist would have recommended: we tried it all. Sensate focus exercises, talking endlessly, you name it.
She claimed that she didn't understand her lack of interest in s3x, and I'm pretty much inclined to believe her. We did have s3x a few times, but it was quite unsatisfactory for me since she behaved as if she were just putting up with it.
A few years ago, she went through menopause, and told me that all her s3xual response had physically gone. And that meant now there would really never be any more s3x. But there hadn't been any for years, anyway.
My son is now sixteen, and we haven't had s3x in about ten years (and haven't had satisfactory s3x in sixteen years) and clearly never will again. She has zero interest in doing anything about this.
Other than that, our marriage is great. We love each other and we are best friends. We sleep in the same bed, we bring up our son together, we split the chores, we go on vacations, we go to movies and eat out, and we always have interesting things to say to each other. We hug each other, kiss (chastely), and say "I love you" frequently and truthfully.
I know that she loves me and would not want to hurt me. She knows how I feel about wanting s3x, but from her point of view, there's nothing she can do about it.
My attitude toward her is: imagine that she was in a car accident that left her unable to have s3x. Well, from a moral point of view, it's just like that. There's no blame here. She just can't do it, although we don't know why.
So, what's wrong? I've had several other lovers before, women who loved s3x and were great in bed. They told me that I was great in bed; several of them said so explicitly, and they came back for more, so I assume they were not just saying it to make me feel good. (For various reasons, I didn't end up marrying any of them, but they're all still very good friends even though they're married now and we can't have s3x any more.)
My wife always used to get org*asms whenever we had s3x, and she never said that anything hurt or was physically wrong.
As someone said above: I don't have any drinking or drug problems, I'm not abusive, I'm a good father, I'm reliable, I have a great job and we are very well off. I'm reasonably OK looking, and not significantly worse-looking than when we met.
Other than the problem with s3x, my life is just fine. But I can never stop thinking about it, and (not that I'm proud to say this) feeling sorry for myself. And I feel guilty that I should complain when everything else in life is so good, and when my wife is otherwise such a great wife and friend. I wish I could just forget about it all and "get over it". But I can't. I want intimacy. I want to make a woman happy in bed. I want a woman to look at me with desire and anticipation. I want to feel that rush of warmth that you get after s3x.
This is truely fantastic...(or rather sad actually). Just knowing that there are others out there in EXACTLY the same situation as me.
I have been married for 6 years now (been seeing eachother for 14 years) and have 2 kids, on 3 years old (im sure he was concieved via wind pollination) and the second has just been born (3 months ago), (I remember making him, cause it was the last time I had sex), but non of the aforementioed statistics had anything to do with the lack of sex. To be completely honest, it has always been disasterous ! So in a big way it is my fault. I knew what I was getting myself into, and now the bed I have made must be slept in.
Trouble however is I thought this was 'normal', and always held the opinion that things will get better. But low and behold these are both lies and untruths and the sooner you accept it the easier it will be to carry on !
My greatest 'eye-opener' was when I joined a chatroom and found out that there are hundreds if not thousand of women out there with a sexual appetite to match, if not exceed mine. It was then that I realised that my fish was, is, and always will be cold.
Its not like we never had sex. We probably did it about once a month. And I will tell you that this only happend because she senced that I was becoming irritable, so she spread her legs, grinned and bared it. It seemed like she enjoyed it on occasion, but it began to feel like she was 'doing me a favour', or it felt like she felt compelled to do it or else I was going to have a sulk. It wasnt like she desperately wanted me or had this desperate desire to just shag. And to be honest it eventually felt like I was shagging a prostitute! So I gave up
About 8 months ago (just after she became pregnant) I hatched the plan...I thought to myself that there is no one on this planet that could go without sex...so I decided to deprive her of sex...pretent like I wasnt interested in sex anymore. I stopped most physical contact, and made sure that I was either in bed before her or long after her, and when she offered sex I said I wasnt interested. Its been like that ever since, and to be honest its probably better than feeling like someone is doing you a favour by shagging you.
I promise I wasnt always like this and I did try things to make her more sexually aware or make her enjoy herself more. I have tried eveything, and believe me there isnt anything I havnt tried. And some of my actions are nothing to be proud of believe me.
I always tried to make physical contact with her, holding hands, kissing, touching ets
I have been to adult shops to buy her 'toys' and lubricants that have only ended up rusting with flat batteries at the top of the cupboard. I promise you its been in exactly the same place for 2 years (and its not like its the monstorous 16 inch p#$%y stretcher its very small and very tame).
I have been romantic...run her bubble baths with flowers, cooked her special meals etc...wich had a limited effect but to be completely honest. Most of the time the effort wasnt worth it. And if I had to go to all that effort everytime I wanted sex, I would have no time to run my business or do anything else for that matter.
I have suggested both soft and hard po!rnography which have both been dismissed out of hand.
I have even suggested that she try flirting with other people in case it is me that she has a problem with but nothing happened either
I suggested a trip to a local Sex exabition and that was turned down
Suggested sex therapy
I have even spied on her to see if she master!bates, or is maybe cheating on me and guess what...she is doing niether !
The bottom line is that its not going to happen, and its only going to get worse, not better. So either you got to dust off that por!n collection and master!bate yourself silly for the rest of time, or you gotta find a f!@#$k buddy. And thats to the wonderfull thing called the internet they are not extreamly dificult to come by. There are only two rules ! Dont get caught, and dont fall in love !
Sorry if I went on a bit !
Guys, it was about a year ago that I decided
first of all it is not your fault in any way! even if you did hurt her or scared her when you had sex she should be mature enough to realize that she either has to get over it or get a divorce. cant keep a guy if you can not have a sexual relationship combined with all the other qualities people want in a marriage.
you never know what will happen. she might all of a sudden change her mind and want to give it another try but since you said that its been absolutely ages already maybe theres a big problem there.
what I would do is sit her down and tell her exactly what you told us in a very nice way..explain that just because you need sex doesnt mean that you do not value her feelings enough and that you really care about her as a person. but make it clear that all people and especially men are biologically programmed to need sex and therefore you d not think you can live without it. it might not sound that good to her but you are being truthful and honest and believe me what ure asking for is not bad at all. in fact tell her that normally you wouldnt even have to ask for it.
sex between people that are in love is not only aboout the physical pleasure. tell her that you want to be as close to her as possible, feel the intimacy and never let her go. sweet things like that might make her change her mind.
if nothing works then I really think you deserve better. I know you love her but you can still do even if you are not married. you can stil be there for her and take care of her but you can not be in a sexual relationship because she doesnt want to. marriage is all about sex and love and affection and conversation. if one of them isnt there then many problems will be caused.
take her to a marriage councelor and try to find out why she doesnt like sex really. and you should know that if you do the councelor will explain to her the importance of sex in a marriage once again. then she might take it more seriously coming from an expert. if she doesnt she will realize that there was soemthing wrong with her and not that you are superficial and unfit to be her husband.
good luck! heads up! and believe me you have nothing to be ashamed of, this is completely normal and what you have to do is make her realize what she is depriving you of. bring others into it. have people talk to her about it and then she will realize that she has to do something about it. anything
Hi. I am a woman, and I don't think anyone has the answer. I myself have practiced for years to do it for my husband (even if I particularly don't want to). Well, that is fine and good. And, when it comes down to it, EVERY woman should do it even when they don't want to. (It is the selfish woman who will not do it for whatever reason.) But, that is still disinterest on the part of the woman. I am particularly in a dilemma, because I am tired of my husband's disinterest. I enjoy sex, and I believe you BOTH need to want it and enjoy it to get the pleasure out of it that you could and should receive. I particularly think my husband needs your wife. A wife who isn't interested. Because I have been forced into disinterest because of his disinterest. You just lose interest after awhile when the other one isn't interested. Now if someone says you just can't expect to DESIRE the person you are married to... they say that wears off, that is only temporary at the beginning of your marriage...well, I think that is bull. I believe that when there is no sex, the marriage is dead. A marriage is NOT 2 people living in the same house (although you MUST live in the same house if you are married). Marriage is the "husband and wife" relationship. And communication is the most important. If you always ignore her, and never care about her feelings on things, she will resent you when you try to have sex with her, and that will CAUSE her to experience pain. She has to WANT it to enjoy it. A woman who has been ignored and ignored by her husband, and then he wants to "pay attention" to her in bed...she feels used, and cannot enjoy it at all. Then sex is the next most important. I lived with parents who were "married" but didn't even sleep in the same room. Is that a marriage? NO. But if it is, it is a DEAD one. I wish I could tell every woman how good sex is. I would go to bed early if I knew my husband was interested every night. And nothing is taboo. Now if sex actually does hurt, she should tell you what it is that causes her pain. I am sure you wouldn't do that which is painful, now would you. But I particularly think sex is "real good," and couldn't imagine living life without the enjoyment of it. A woman who doesn't want sex... well, she just doesn't know what she is missing!
i found a guiding spirit throughout all you guys' posts: ALTRUISM.
a state of mind ruled by ever-present need to mind "The Other" .. be a good person by being ever aware of The Other, not to offend, hurt, intimidate, humiliate, impose on, etc. The Other. [From Latin 'alter' = the other]
1.What worked for me after 10 years was to Refocus me-and-my-wife's attention to This One. To clearly show the relationship between a fulfillment of this secual partner's sexual needs to my general positive behavior in fulfilling my role as providor and every day life mate .. and to address the inJustice of my living daily unfulfilled and physically and morally uncomfortable. etc.
2.Lay a goal for your partner: to just please you. To challenge herself to making you come screaming every night by plunginging you into the burning depths of her glowing.
3.You help her. You help her do YOU. In this way the 2 of you Together are addressing the Problem (remember, the problem is Not HER satisfaction; she's had that all along by NOT HAVING SEX ) help her do it right when she's off. But you concentrate on how she's doing You. You do Her to the extent that it thrills You to do so. Don't try to make her come unless you need that for sexual not altruistic reasons.
4.GUARANTEE OR YOUR MONEY BACK: Within two weeks you will both be like teenagers discovering your own and each other's bodies and spirits anew .. She will have reached there by a) fruggling on the electro-magnetic feedback she's getting from you as she works on you; and b) seeing the enormity of the results in YOU of her attitude and actions will rekindle old secret sparks in her supressed libido to re-arouse old and wild dreams .. You'll both be happy to find it's getting late .. time to go to bed ;-)
5.SINCE the marriage basically signifies the JOINING of One and Another, there must be another word to describe the -ISM which rules a healthy marriage. ALTRUISM doesn't fit Inside. EGOTISM, caring only for the Self. It must be a sort of NOTRUISM .. We are out for Ourselves first, which in sex Includes the Other, but only as a part of the Self. but without leaving jimmie out of the whole picture ..
Vaginismus is when the muscles around the vagina tighten (contract) against your will, causing the vagina to spasm. In some cases, this can be quite painful.
It is a psychological problem that shows itself in a physical way and is fairly common among women, especially women in their late teens to thirties.
The vagina muscles go into spasm, usually in response to the vagina or vulva being touched before sexual intercourse. It can also happen if penetration of the vagina by the penis (sexual intercourse) is attempted, or during a gynaecological examination. Some women find that they cannot use tampons when they have a period (menstruate) because of vaginismus.
Vaginismus can cause distress and relationship problems. It can also create problems when it comes to starting a family.
It is untrue that women who have vaginismus do not like or want to have sex. In fact, many women with this condition enjoy closeness and share sexual pleasure with their partner. They are able to achieve orgasm during mutual masturbation, through foreplay and oral sex. It is only when sexual intercourse is suggested or attempted that the vagina tightens to prevent penetration.
Vaginismus can disrupt or completely stop your sex life and make gynaecological and pelvic examinations difficult or impossible. In some cases, a woman may need an anaesthetic before a doctor can perform an examination.
There are many factors that cause vaginismus. Some women have had the condition all their adult lives and may never have had sex because of it. With others, it may be due to other reasons, for example, a difficult childbirth or sexual trauma.
Vaginismus is not rare and it is likely that a lot of women will experience it at some time in their life, even if they have had a previous sexual history of enjoyable and painless sex.
this isnot a nice thing.. I hate sex, its painfull, but my boyfriend accepts that! and when we do have sex its special, because we cant do it that often!! if you love your wife then you should support her, and take her to see the dr if it carries on! he can then give her the right treatment that will help her enjoy sex more
Wow. This is the number one reason that no sex before marriage is a BAD IDEA. I know you're religious and all, but what did you expect? Some people are just not compatible in bed. I've had girls who I really liked but when you sleep with them there is just no chemistry. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, as I'm sure you'd agree. Why would you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone before you know what they're like in bed? What she likes may not be what you like and vice versa. HORRIBLE IDEA this no sex before marriage thing. Ridiculous and childish.
Anyway, it's good that you have tried to talk this out with your wife because that's the first step to solving this problem. But it doesn't sound like your wife cares about your needs at all if she dismisses your complaints and tells you to "go find a hooker." That is downright cold, and frankly if I were you I would find another wife.
I'm not saying women are put on earth to satisfy men, far from it. There are a lot more important aspects of a relationship, but sex is one of them! It is ridiculous of her to expect that she can keep a man when she obviously has big sexual hang-ups that she can't get over. A normal relationship involves regular sex!!!
Since you are both religious, I get the feeling that your wife may be suffering from the "good girls don't do that" complex. She probably grew up with religious parents who took her to church and told her that sex was bad and dirty, and now she doesn't want to do it. Big surprise.
It sounds like you do care for her, so if I were you I would try my hardest to work things out with her. Maybe you could go for couples counselling or something. But if she won't make the effort to work things out or at least talk it over, then I don't think she really cares about you or the marriage. I would end it for sure.
My wife and I have 4 children. Right now we have sex about once a month. I haven't seen her passionate during the act since she was pregnant with our youngest child (he turns 7 years old in two months). She seems to go out of her way to avoid spending time with me because (I believe) she fears I will expect sex. We have been in marriage counseling off and on for about four years. I've made it very clear during counseling that I desire sex about two to three times a week. She has made it very clear in counseling that in no way is that ever going to happen. When we begin a session of counseling she always talks about how wonderful everything between us is. Sometimes we focus on those wonderful things all session, sometimes the counselor asks me how I am. I usually respond, "I am fine" because if I tell the truth, my wife will get angry at me and take it out on me for the next week or so. If the counselor presses with her questions to me, I tell the truth, that I am sick of paying attention to her without reciprocity, that I am sick of not having sex, and that I am sick of her working more hours while contributing less and less to the household expenses. Once I tell the truth of how I am feeling then my wife will not speak to me for on average five to seven days.
If I leave her I won't be able to afford the child support, and I am also confident she will do everything in her power to keep the children from me.
Right now, we are roommates that say, "love you" once in a while.
So, I feel your pain, but I have 11 more years of this pain until I can try to find happiness. Now it is time for me to call the counselor to make another useless appointment. As an fyi, I've never cheated and I masterbate more than my 14 year old son. Live life, don't end up like me.
Tom
Women are tricky or perhaps a better aword is complicated. Many times they dont even know why they dont have much interest in sex. Women can truly love a man, but still have little sexual desire towards him. Strange but true. Also a woman can have no love for a man and be turned on and sexually attracted to him.
Forget the conventional "you need to communicate better" advise. While this may be true the conventiona approach rarely produces the kind of results a man wants--more sex!
What usually happens is the woman gets her talk needs filled, but the man doesn't get his sex needs met. That's because conventional relationship therapy doesn't teach the man how to "communicate" in such a way to push her lust buttons. The communication may improve the "relationship" but not the sex. Oh sure the therapist recommends her giving more sex to him, but sex becomes an assignment or chore and she feels she has enough chores to do and soon sex is dropped from the chore chart.
But when a man learns to "communicate" in such a way that pushes her mental lust buttons she starts craving sex with him without realizing it. When a man learns how to make his wife horny and craving sex with him, his "I can't get enough" sex problem disappears. Sex changes from a chore for her to a deep inner need that must to be satisfied---like her need to buy a new pair of shoes. She just has to have it and she cant explain why.
Check out this blog:
www.myhealthyhappylife.com/SSP-Blog-My-Healthy-Happy-Sex-Life
This guy explains how using Seduction methods on his wife multiplied the amount of sex with his wife and saved his marriage.
About six months ago I decided I would just try my best to let her be in control of every dynamic within our relationship. As I expected, we became closer, albeit our sex life never came along for the ride.
So about three weeks ago she enjoyed the 9 thousandth time that we cuddled in bed at night without any sexual activity taking place whatsoever. I could not contain myself any longer. I explained my full frustration level in terminology that I later regretted. Her response was that she wants to have sex with me but that she can't because something else isn't right (I didn't clean enough while she was at work, I failed in some manner to complete some task that she expected, etc.). That this something else always causes her to lose "the mood".
That, of course, set me off. In my eyes, I view that as her withholding sex in order to "punish" me of sorts. So I explained my position very clearly to her. Either our sex life changes dramatically, or I seek out sex outside of marriage.
Since then we've had sex two times, which is two times more than we would have had sex. However, both times she seemed uninterested, like she was doing me a favor. The second time I was unable to ejaculate, which is the first time in my life I have ever had any sign of a sexual performance dysfunction. She was asleep five minutes after I gave up trying to ejaculate, she expressed no concern or condolences whatsoever.
She tells me all the time she loves me, but as you can tell, I'm just not feeling the love.
So that's what has been up with me the past 8 months or so. How about the rest of you guys?
Tom
A healthy woman (meaning she has no major medical or emotional issues) should want and enjoy sex on a regular basis. On average most married couples have sex atleast once a week (58 times a year according to the research).
For a woman to have a healthy libido and to want and enjoy sex 4 things MUST be present:
Healthy brain chemistry (sex begins in the brain).
Healthy pelvic muscles, this includes a strong PC muscle or love muscle (trained pelvic muscles increases the brain's connection to the pleasure centers).
Mental/subconscious attraction to her partner (a healthy brain and body make her "able" to enjoy sex or "tuned up" for sex, Attraction makes her "want" to have sex or "turned on").
Moderately skilled sex partner (once her body/brain is tuned up and she is turned on, basic sex skills are all that are needed for incredible sex).
To learn how diet and nutrition can tune a woman's brian and body so she enjoys sex more see:
www.easyorgasmdiet.com/FemaleLibidoandOrgasmEnhancement_PPC.html
For healthy pelvic floor muscle training (better sex and orgasms) see:
www.myhealthyhappylife.com/ezcome-kegelmaster/
To learn how to communicate to her subconscious and turn her on see:
www.myhealthyhappylife.com/SSP-Blog-My-Healthy-Happy-Sex-Life
To learn to give her orgasms see:
www.myhealthyhappylife.com/Give_Orgasms.html
Just Copy and Past the url(s) into your browser's address bar.
Hope this helps.
I, like your wife, was giving my husband the cold shoulder when it came to sex. We went to counseling and were introduced to some life changing literature. I know, I know, the last thing you want to do is go to couseling or read a book, but I promise you, IT IS WORTH IT! Sheet Music, written by Dr. Kevin Leman is amazing. It helps both spouses uncover the motivations behind men and women when it comes to sex, and even gives some exciting and helpful tips for the bedroom (and other rooms :). The other book, His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr. is you and your spouses guide to building an affair proof marriage. My advice (stealing from our marriage counselor) is to read a chapter of this book together each night, alternating who's doing the reading. It will give some major insight into what makes the two of you, individually, tick. Read Sheet Music togeter too, that's one of my fiance and I's biggest turn on :) Another hint, care for her. Really care for her. Instead of mauling her when she's bent over loading the dishwasher, brush a strand of hair from her face. Do the dishes, do some laundry. Thank her for doing the little things you probably take for granted. COMMUNICATE. You love each other, otherwise, you wouldn't have been married. Read these books, and I promise promise promise that your love life will sizzle! Be sure to include each other when reading...otherwise, the effort won't be as effective. Best of luck to you both!
Hi, I'm a woman who tortured my husband with almost no sex after our second child. We had sex maybe twice a year. Finally after nearly twenty years I found out my husband had had a short fling with one of my girlfriends. I hated him and wanted a divorce, but I also wanted him sexually again. I was so made that I asked him for a divorce. We got divorced, but my sex drive was still in high gear. Now I feel really guilty. I really screwed up our lives. I was so selfish. most of you are all wrong. Its not pain or being tired or anything else other than pure selfishness and self-centered behavior. It's that I loved myself more than I loved him. By the way all of you guys wondering if she ever masturbated? Maybe not daily like you, but at least once a week. I knew my husband was and that was my excuse. I rationalized that it saved time. All in all I destroyed my marriage and now I'm 52 and alone. It would have been easy to have sex. I just didn't want to bother. It wasn't exciting anymore. I really made a big mess. I should have spent more time being intimate with him. Also I know a lot of women who have had a longterm affair - and I mean longterm as in more than 5 years with another man (and one with a woman)and all the time their husband has suffered with almost no sex. It is much more common than you think. I'm sorry for the mess I made and the good man I lost. I drove a wedge between us. I was stupid in believing that he wouldn't stray.
I'm very sorry for your situation, I truly am. I agree with the foreplay comments. You didn't put much detail into your question/problem.. But yeah. Foreplay is a HUGE deal. Especially to us women. I hate to sound crude when I say this, but foreplay gets women wet okay? But even you should know that by now. Give her a back massage only with your mouth. Eat strawberries off of her, and whipped cream if you must. You say you've tried to talk to her about it, and she pretty much comes back with a childish answer in my opinion. I don't care what anyone says. Sex is a big part of any relationship. Anyone that says different is either a liar, a pathetic romantic, or just idiotic. It's not the only part, nor the most important, but it is a big part. And it's not just the act of sex; it's the intimacy. The feeling of skin on skin. Knowing that your lover wants you and only you. Loving every single part of that person you're with inside and out. These other people are right. Get counceling. If you two haven't had sex that often in nearly a year and a half, that might be the reason it's so uncomfortable for her. It took me about 5 times to get used to it when I lost my virginity. And that was only with one guy--and he was only about 5 inches. I hope things get better for the both of you. But please.. Don't cheat on your wife. You might be frustrated with her, and confused, but you know you love her. Even if she's acting childish. -eye roll-
Oh, well. I know it must be hard to deal with situations like this but the best method of solving this, is to discuss this based on rational but not emotional. You'll notice the truth will come out and you'll know why shes not comfortable with it. The other thing is to discuss this with a family counseler to dig down the cause. She maybe not be comfortable of exposing herself naked to you regardless of being husband or not. Not everyone is comfortable with taking it all off. I my case, my wife and I have gone completly from having 2-3 times a day to twice a week and not once every month if I'm lucky. This changed when we had out first child three years ago and this is it. At first I thought she is not attracted to me anymore but more and more I noticed that women after having their child, the sex becomes the last thing for them to think of. Child changes everything. I don't mean for the bad but it changes the relationship between husband and wife forever.
So, if you have not got it so far or not getting enough of it, get it somehow and don't feel bad about it. This need to be intimate with the partner it is an importanct part of our social life and can not be ignored. Sometimes you have be happy inside and stop pretending that there is nothing wrong. Trust me, sometimes having an affaire, make you to be closer to your current partner than the opposite. It makes you realize if you have done the right thing or not.
Hi . My wife , and I have been married for 7 years . We are both fourty . . For the first two years, my wife was horny , and had a normal sex drive . Slowly , she had less , and less interest in sex ,and being romantic with me . We have reached a point where she stays in a separate bedroom from me . She will not sit close to me , or let me kiss her , or touch her . Sex is completely nonexistent . Nothing I can say , or do will change her . We are just roommates . I want to file , for divorce , but she will not agree to it , because ,she gets medical insurance through me . In NY , it is very expensive to get , a contested divorce . I will have to give her half , of my assets in a divorce settlement . I wish that , I had not married her .We should have just dated . We also bought , a house together with a mortgage ,so I cant move out . I am a decent looking man with , an athletic build , so I know that my looks arent the problem . Should I try to meet other women , Or hire prostitutes ? My wife does not care if I meet other women for a relationship . What advice does every body have for me ? . Im tired of looking at x-rated movies , and internet porn . I want a relationship with a real girl , not my hand . Are there any women out there who would , be interested in me for a romantic relationship .
Hi . My wife , and I have been married for 7 years . We are both fourty . . For the first two years, my wife was horny , and had a normal sex drive . Slowly , she had less , and less interest in sex ,and being romantic with me . We have reached a point where she stays in a separate bedroom from me . She will not sit close to me , or let me kiss her , or touch her . Sex is completely nonexistent . Nothing I can say , or do will change her . We are just roommates . I want to file , for divorce , but she will not agree to it , because ,she gets medical insurance through me . In NY , it is very expensive to get , a contested divorce . I will have to give her half , of my assets in a divorce settlement . I wish that , I had not married her .We should have just dated . We also bought , a house together with a mortgage ,so I cant move out . I am a decent looking man with , an athletic build , so I know that my looks arent the problem . Should I try to meet other women , Or hire prostitutes ? My wife does not care if I meet other women for a relationship . What advice does every body have for me ? . Im tired of looking at x-rated movies , and internet porn . I want a relationship with a real girl , not my hand . Are there any women out there who would , be interested in me for a romantic relationship .
One of the other parts of a good relationship is communication. You both need to be able to discuss ANYTHING. Your wife says she hates sex...you should find out why she hates it. Talk about it, not fight about it. Just what kind of sex are you having ? Do you just climb on top and hump away in her ? Do you see to her needs ? Have you tried oral sex on her ? Do you know how to do oral sex on her ? Have you ever asked her what feels good to her sexually ? Since you didn't have sex before marriage, it seems you two know each other everywhere else but in the bedroom. Do you go thru some foreplay before having intercourse ?
If you don't perform sex correctly, that could cause a woman to hate it. Talk to each other calmly. Discuss your problems. Ask what you should do to make her feel good in bed. If she can't tell you, then ask her to show/teach you. You might even consider buying educational videos on performing different sexual acts on each other, and watching them together. If you put two people in bed that have never had sex, you can't expect them to be top rated lovers from the start.
Should you decide to try and discuss these problems, don't discuss them in the bedroom. Sit in the livingroom or the kitchen ALONE to talk about these issues.
Communication is key...
Q
1 year and 4 months, but how many times exactly had you two had sex? for the first 10 times, yes it still hurt, the second ten times she will realise the pain is gone and there is nothing to be scared of, and after that she should be enjoying it. However when you try a new position it will hurt her a bit because the muscle still is not used to be stretched in that way. I suggest you read the book "Evey Woman", it tells you the stages of stimulation a woman will feel, and how to improve her saitisfaction. Read about G-spot and find what exacly she likes most as every women is different, try a lot of things and communicate!
Buy her sexy lingerie, it makes women feel sexy and induce the horny feeling within her, try to do activities together like dancing salsa/ shower together/ give her a massage naked/ go for honeymoon. Have you been to a honeymoon?
If she still doesnt enjoy it then it shows she has a problem and tell her that sex is important to everyone. Dont just cheat on her or divorce her suddenly, make sure she knows how bad the problem is if she doesnt change. Also ensure that she is not tired with her work/ housechores, hire a maid if settle the houseworks 2 hours daily.
I hope you tell her how important it is for her to change and give her help on this
Sounds very similar to my own experience. When we first wed, my wife enjoyed s*x with me and would even initiate lovemaking. She was a virgin when we got married but I was a divorcee and had had many female partners.
We married fairly late in life (I was 27, she was 25) and we were keen to have children. Our first was born after we'd been married for two years and three months. From this point, she began to lose all interest in s*x and although we have been married now for 32 years and a family of four children, any form of physical contact with me is a no-no for her. I have to go down on my knees (figuratively speaking, since I'm disabled) to obtain her consent to any form of assisted relief, which usually involves her telling me fantasy stories whilst I am masturbating.
I haven't had sexual intercourse for 15 years. My wife and I share a double bed, yet she will never cuddle me, kiss me or caress me. I know that she loves me, for she sends me the most amazing Valentine, birthday, Christmas and Fathers Day cards every year. Now, suffering from heart failure, chronic lung disease and arthritis, I have given up all hope of a change and perhaps I will soon be dead.
It sounds to me like you have some serious communication issues between the two of you. If your wife doesn't like sex in general, and just flat out does not ever want it again, there is something unhealthy going on. Either you frighten her, or she has a physical or mental issue preventing her from enjoying herself.
Human beings are made to enjoy sex.
if the issue is just that her drive is less that yours, and she still enjoys sex when it is had, then you have a mismatch in libidos. This is a reason that celibacy before marriage is a difficult thing to make work. Sex is a very key component to a healthy relationship.
You need counseling, along with your wife. You need to identify the issue, at its core, and work to rectify the problem.
On a final note, if you would consider cheating on your wife, even if the affair "Just came" to you, you do not truly love her. This is an absolutely unforgivable thing, and if "for religious reasons" you held off having sex before marriage, you should definitely understand that cheating is a complete non-option.
Remember that adultery is one of those seven deadlies...
Hope that helps, Good Luck!
I wish I had the answer.
Here are a few observations:
Guys watch her menstral cycle - be affectionate EVERY day expecting nothing. Days 1-28 from her perspective (best I can tell) Day 1 - a day of relief, the bloat is beginning to depress ( see days 25-28) Day 2 - 3 - She thinks "I'm feeling a little better about myself, wish I hadn't been so PMS the past few days." Day 4-7 Sex would be possible, if I could control the mess...maybe the shower??? Days 8 - 17 - Prime time usually day 10 is best. (At this time see if she would be willing to keep a small calendar on the number of times you "do it". (It will be fun and informative.) Let her keep it up ( the calendar). Day 18 - Peak interest - get ready for the interest to plummet Day 19 - 23 - Take it or leave it Day 24 - 28 Buzz off! I have poor body image - I feel like a ballon that is going to pop. Why would anyone be interested in sex at a time like this? Good grief, is that all they think about?!
Sleep naked, shower together...hope for the best (most)
Hey,
Well honestly I have to say that yes it seemsl ike since you two are inexperienced that has a lot to do with why you are having difficulties. Something I want to let you know, that the thing with sex is that it is never the act that really turns a women on. I have been with my Sweety for 6 months now. And well we have an amazing intimate relationship. But see for us it never starts in bed. Well it can, but that has to start first thing in the day. There is a term "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" because it does. You need to start off the day with loving words, letting her know how beautiful she is, an ummm... I can't remember the number off the top of my head but a women needs to be touched atleast I think 12 times in a day to let her know she is loved. Now I don't mean kiss and hugs, but I mean just a hand on her shoulder or just brushing the side of her cheek with the outside of your hand while you are letting you know you love her. There are other things to turn her on, be confident, read some books... The Act of marriage is a good book. Also FOREPLAY
And I thought I was basically in a group of a select few... wish I had been right, men were by design made to extend their line. I empathize and sympathize with all men and women who find themselves in this situation, it STINKS! Another long depressing story cut to as short as possible. Met 1987, dated, loved sex, had many wonderful encounters, mutual consicerations, married in 1990, wanted no children at that time, biological clock changed, have had sex (maybe every once every 2-4 years since, always some excuse for not having any). I have even been told by my wife that "Humans do NOT need sex!) Well I do and I still love it. I am stagnated, wasting a broken penis and sex drive, they still work very well at 46. Always put her pleasure before mine. Last 2 times (2006 once and 2009 once) could not consider climax as mind knows this will be it for years if ever, ready to go for days. As I write this I realize I have not vented anywhere and am likely to explode soon... My heart goes out to all men and women in this situation. Sincerely, Frustrated, 09-09
I'm sorry. That must suck. aren't you guys having enough foreplay? yes, you should respect her feelings because if its really that painful for her, it sucks for her too. do you two go down on each other and do other things? I hope I dont feel like your wife after I'm married, because I'm thinking like she was before you were married. I'm going to wait till I get married. I'm trying for as long as I can. maybe you should romance her ^_^ dude, your 24. I'm 19. you would think you knew more about this stuff... Just be patient I guess, like for real, 24 isn't even close to old. there are lots of foods that are great for people's sex drives. and exercises and all that stuff. whatever you do, don't cheat on her! for real, that is low. you 2 made a promise to each other and God. You can totally work through this! I believe in you! =P just don't forget to be sensitive and considerate of her. She should also do the same for you too. Both of you have to work.
I have been waiting for 6 years for my wife to get into the mood. I guess maybe someday when she is 35 years old she would. But by then I.e. after 5 years I would be a saint.
There is no solution to your problem. I have tried everything. It is just that my wife does not like sex. So past 6 years since my marriage I have had no sex except when she wanted to have children. Thus it was restricted to maybe 4 sessions purely functional. That is all.
I pray to God that you get the strength to love your wife inspite of this. It is just destiny.
Dont push her for it or else she will just be a limp doll and bear it for your sake. She may act interested but in her eyes you can see the truth.
Unless your wife feels that it is important there is nothing you can do. And the worst thing is she may talk to some friend and then act interested and it will fizz out the next week.
I am not sure what to tell you, I have been married for 5 years and we have 2 children under 2 1/2. My husband was my first partner and I waited until marriage as well.
I have chronic health problems and still make sure my husband is satisifed, if we cannot do it I still make sure he is happy. I feel that it is part of a healthy marriage is to share in intimate reasons. I would tell her exactally how you feel, if she does not how can she fix it.
Also I would tell her if it hurts she may need extra lubrication or hormones may not be right.
If you get help and she still does not like it I would find other ways to satisfy yourself. You made a vow but when you are married sometimes it means doing something you do not want to do to please the one you love.
I would not cheat but why be miserbale the rest of your life?
maybe she is deperessed,,thats what has messed up my sex life.Its just a chore to me at the moment.My man has been understanding but I know it cant go on this this.Part of me wonders if im just not sexually actacted to him anymore but I do love him.I've never had an orgasm before so im trying to see someone about that but I do still get desires.I like someone else right now but am not acting on it because its just wrong,,and its another girl.If I dont get any better ill probably end the relationship for his sake as well as mine.But I am seeking help so this is a make or break thing right now really.I've suggested a temporary open relationship but its not for him.I rekon life is just a b+tch and if you fight and fight for something but always lose then however hard it may be walking out is sometimes the right thing to do. x
alright...look...maybe it really is uncomfortable for her. let's just take it at face value...have her go see a docter. there are rare, but not unheard of cases where a woman has a shallow vagina and intercourse may in fact be very uncomfortable, almost painful.
or...why don't you try other forms of stimulation? toys or fingers might be useful. maybe she feels uncomfortable because you don't play enough before hand?
what is foreplay to you both? every just try gentle caressing, and kissing, just to get her in the mood. try just playing a few night in a row. play and tease and cuddle and whatnot...see if that doesn't get her hormones going.
if not...I think its time to sit down and have a serious, mature talk about what's bothering you and ask her for honesty...work from there...
Take heart, it is all part of your journey together. A big part of our relationship will be in resolving this issue - be assured that nothing is unfixable. In my case it took many years- and was it worth it?- by God it was! We knew that we wanted to be together, so we were able to stay together for all that time without the sex, but that aspect was very painfull. If I could go back in time, with the knowlege that I now have- I would have fixed it back then. I cant go back in time, but what if I can help you guys out- that would be great! Funmail me with more information, perhaps something about what typically happens when you have sex, or about her bakground.This will help me to understand how to help you.If you like, you can give me your phone number to chat !!
Hmm...this one is tough... Maybe You're not finding out what she likes and what she doesnt like, how she likes to be touched,licked etc. Sex is more than just intercourse...she needs to be relaxed & completely comfortable...how does she feel about oral sex? wow there can be so many reasons why she just doesnt enjoy it, but I think you should just sit her down and tell her how much you love her, and explain to her that having sex (or maybe you should use 'making love'), is like your way of expressing how you feel because you want to please her, and ask her wwhat she likes, and mayb experimen with different ways of touching her, or if she likes recieving oral sex, be gentle and see what she likes...just take your time and see how it goes =] hope this helps =]
Dear fellow, if not to help you, but not hurt you either. I was marriage once with a girl. the story was simply as yours. Look, I spent one year long with my girlfriend without having sex with her because of religious reasons, too. She always had the same answer for that: "We will have the rest of our lives to have sex, calm down". I loved her so much that I thought our time would come one day, and forever. But, guy, I really think that when you love someone you can go through every problem. It happened that we married and the second day she told me she didn't loved enough to live as a couple. And that is all. She's now pregnent from other guy she really loved.
Ask your wife what she really feels for you. Don't have fear to ask.
Good luck!!!
if your wife doesnt want sex you have to respect that to the fullest, and pressuring her into it can lear to larger problems. although you too are married and are supposed to be with eachother, and no one else.. but if she says, go find a prosatute. then she knows shes not supplying your needs. but she doesnt want you to have an afare, if you talk to her and tell her how you really feel things may change. sex is a very important part of a relationship. apeasly when your married. sorry for your loos, or another thing. show her how good sex could really be if you just told her you want a chance. *probley not the best help, but thats my 2 cents. good luck. -misskittykat
DIVORCE!!! get rid of that man...we were put on this earth to spread our seed...I dont know how you do it...I was in a 2 year relationship until she told me that she wanted to stop having sex with me until we got married...uummm ya ... right after she said that I gave it 3 days to see if she was really serious, which she was...I told her to erase my number and never contact me again...it was the best decision I ever made...I really think she was trying to tell me that she wanted to get married without actually saying it...I had just turned 22 at the time and in no way wanted to be married anytime soon...like I said...divorce...and explore!!!
Dude, if she hates sex, you aren't doing something right. It sounds like you just want to get right in there, maybe without the foreplay. I challenge you, one night just focus on pleasing her. Keep it in your pants, and just focus on your wife. Give her a massage to get her relaxed, maybe a full body, and pay attention to the erotic places on the body that you wouldn't think about, like the ears, neck, and feet. Touch, carress, kiss her until she's hot for you, and finger her/eat her out, but DON'T have actual sex. Baby steps here. Listen to the sounds she makes and be able to distinguish sounds of joy versus pain. FOCUS ON HER.
Communication is lacking in your relationship. Being at college maybe you are spending too much time studying rather than enjoying your marriage. I do not believe in seeking a third party but the two of you should discuss openly at the appropriate time.
Sex is not only reserved for the night. There could be other factors that should be considered before fantasizing e.g. do something special or even telling her that she is beautiful and how you appreciate her before you even talk of having sex. Put it to practice and you will see that she will be the one asking you for sex rather than vice-versa.
Sometime women will go through a period that they do not want sex. It probably from a bad experience. My thought is to sit her down and ask her what is wrong with having sex. Ask her if she is having discomfort. If so maybe she might need to see a doctor. If that is not it try planning something romantic in your bedroom candles, roses and such. Tell her that you would it if you both explore each other. Find her spots and yours. Try to find out what she likes and what is comfortable for her. If you do it right maybe you will find a spot or position that drives her crazy...
dude get a hold of yourself mayne I cant say I can understand all that youre going through but take it easy where theres a will theres always a way.look man like you said I tink itsa psychological thing and maybe something happened I her past that she hasnt felt comfortable to tell you about.if so slowly and loingly try to find out.or if it is really physical pain which might be true maybe hes scared of the pain everytime yall bout to do your buisness.so help her ou go slowon her mayne help her out it will be o your benefit because mayne who hates SEX.
well it looks to me like there's a problem...if your wife doesnt enjoy havn sex and you do then you need to decide why not...another suggestion is (and this may sound completeli absurd) but when I was and school and I had sexually active boyfriends before I was...I would tell them that they could b with me but they would need to find sumone to fufill their needs that I wasnt going to...I told them as long as you don't fall and love or put her before me everyhing it okay...mayb thats the type of arrangments you and your wife should make
Ok well seems here that now you need to some how make her very very very horny and make sure she is nice and wet. She should understand that every girls first time hurts but the second time is better because now you ve made her vaginal whole bigger so it will no longer hurt. try using toys on her with a vibrator. give her oral sex and try to work your way were it is more pleasureable to her then pain. Please fun mail me the answer to this question, How hard did you have sex with her for her first time?? and was she wet enough??
As a engaged women I can kinda understand. I am not married yet but being engaged is a challenge also. Women are more scared and worried if there being used. Although you are Married but perhaps something in the past just bothers her about sex . Another thing its a MAJOR turn off when guys talk about sex over and over again. Your 24 you still have the rest of your life to work on her and sex. Get some wine and sit down with her and talk about it , maybe your doing something during sex she isn't liking. Hope I Helped :)
maybe she is a lesbian but refuses to concider this because she is religious, maybe she has vaginosis ( a condition where sex is painful and discomforting) she could see a gyno about it, she may have some worpped views on what sex is. does she view it as something people do when there in love or as something that is dirty and wrong? if thats the case she needs to see a theripist, maybe she was raped once and never told anybody...I dunno but it sounds like she needs help. just talk to her and find out whats going on.
I say you just tell her to shut the f*** up about it and tell her to get over it and start to enjoy it or you wil lg o find someone who does
just stick your penis in her vaGINA and go for it and bring some toys just tell her your so dam nhorny! and ttht you need to have sex
while your with her one night just take your dick out and start masterbating and make her watch you if cum do it all over her
ripe her clothesoff and go for it
s*** ill have sex with you if you want I dont mind
I can give advice on this question b/c I have been in the same situation as your wife, my husband would approach me with it and I would change the topic or get defensive. I finally turned around after reading an article a/b the importance of intimacy in a marriage. Not doing it was creating a lot of tension between the 2 of us. Ask your wife to talk to other women a/b it or even read a book a/b the importance of intimacy. Understanding the importance and benefits of it helps.
I'm in the same boat as you man. Except I want to have sex and he does not. When we first started to have sex we did it all the time but then I started to get sick with a very unfortunate illness (no it's not an STD) and now he never wants to have sex. I think he's like this because of what the disease has done to me physically but he says it's not. If it hurts so much then maybe you should see about getting KY Jelly or condoms. Is she against all types of sex?
Melinda
well you could always do hormone suppression therapy.
YOu can take medication to regulate your sex drive. A super high sex drive = super amount of testosterone.
Less testosterone less sex drive.
Less sexual urges.
You can find the problem out better if you just focus clearly on her and ask her to go see a OB/GYN and evaluate her issue. My wife is weird like this too but it isn't painful for her so your wife has a problem that needs addressing.
look idont really know what i'm talking about here i guess but i recently told my bf that sex disgusted me and i didnt want it. whats got me is that i'm not confortable with the positions and stuff adn i guess alittle embarrassment and physical pains are stopping me as well. mayeb your wife has somehting lie that going on try doing something beyond romantice get her fantsizing about you then try something really kinky who knwos she might warm up to it
ok, im a girl, and i kno about this, it kinda depends on how many times you guys have had sex. because if its only a few times, then that means it hurts her, because she's getting her cherry popped and thats pretty painful for us girls. so if you want to continue to have sex, tell her what you think it is, and that it might be painful the first fewtimes, but after about 10 times sex will just be a pleasureable, and happy thing for you two.
Wow... what girl couldn't like sex... I'm a girl. and though I've never had it I still get horny.. I make sure my boyfriend is happy all he has to do is ask me somtimes I just do it cause I want to at that time. this varrys for day to day depending on what day it is and how tired we are though but we still make sure were both satisfied.. were waiting for sex sex .. when we get married but I know I'll want to do it.. =]
Well it may help by doing simple things like cleaning the house.
Because a women is very stressed out when she comes home from work or taking care of the children.
She won't want to clean the house after a hard day.
Also do stuff like cook or anything like that, even if it mac and cheese.
Any little thing will help by not having so much stress on her and then it will help her want to have sex.
tell your wife its part of the deal and its an act of love making, something everyone agrees to when they get married. if its uncomfortable for her to have you inside of her, ask her for oral sex. its awkward I guess, but its better then having to go to someone else other then your wife for sex.
or if you havent already, try different positions, it could possibly just be the way you're going about it.
brother i hear you and know your pain.. i have been married 20 we are swinger.. my wife is VERY bi and she would have a woman over me any day.. but still tells me she loves me. so what is a man to do?? i sit up late at night.. and worry about this mess all the time.. i takes meds to help me. sometimes i do not think it works.. good luck to us all.. i to love my wife.. but need some help as well..
well women get turned on by the guy being sweet but dont have an attitude of well you owe me now.women can see thru that.how about you guve her a oily back massage and begin to kiss her there.have you tried oral sex ?. maybe she's into the oral or you can just finger her and after a while you stop and see if she wants some thing else to go inside instead of your finger
THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE AT 24! your wife likes it just as much..yes just as much as you do!
but at 24.. she should be on you like a ..well..
If your overall relationship is good, then sex should be good.
maybe you should read a few books on sex and try FOREPLAY.
do not cheat on your wife --> imagine all those times before you were married that you could have done it, down the drain.
there are a lot of guys on here that are really depressed, wow, do not kill yourself
Hey, celibacy is NOT the end of the world, if she finds intercourse physically painful talk to her about oral sex, it is still a form of sex and could be just as pleasurable for both you and her, she might even start to enjoy it so much she actually wants to have intercourse, you never know! So talk to her, cause cheating is not the answer!
Hey, celibacy is NOT the end of the world, if she finds intercourse physically painful talk to her about oral sex, it is still a form of sex and could be just as pleasurable for both you and her, she might even start to enjoy it so much she actually wants to have intercourse, you never know! So talk to her, cause cheating is not the answer!
I know I'm young. But have you asked about having sex buddies? I've heard some people don't like having sex with each other, but they love each other, so they have sex partners. Just for sex and nothing more. I don't know. That's the only idea I've got. Just make sure you talk about having a sex buddy with your wife before you get one. >_>
well honestly if its physical discomfort then its pretty much how sex goes
okay listen
the first few times a girl has sex its not guna be as pleasurable as they think its guna be
it doesnt really get that good until the girl has loosened up(by that I mean her vag*na)
and she can really feel it
just find her spot ;]
to tell you the truth, you are doing something wrong in bed with her. sex is suppose to hurt a woman the first time. if you only tried it once- then ofcoarse it will hurt her! especially if shes a virgin. but that doesnt mean she should stop. after doing it a few times, it stops hurting. Make sure you tell her that.
well she is missing out. I am a very sexual person, and I love sex and I am married and my is deployed but he know that I love it so he lets me have sex with men but I am clean and get checked. So I do sex buddys all the time. she will get there hopfully because I cant get enought of it ever
oh my green day, I think she is the only woman who doesn't love sex! anyway, ease her into it, don't just dive onto her and f*k her like there's no tomorrow, just bring it up and see where that goes!
*srry if it doesn't go with your question explanation. didn't read the whole thing :-)
would you buy a car before test driving it no then why would you marry someone without testing all aspects of a relationship. also you are in college you should be enjoying that. hello there are tons of girls around campus and all you can do now is go to the end of your leash and bark.
Well, you should thank your religion for that result. You got married to a woman whose sexual compatibility is unknown to you. And your wife should be more than just your best friend! I mean sexual attraction! Try therapy, both of you. Go see a psychologist for couple sessions.
Welcome to the party. We are married for 6 years. The only time we made love was when my wife wanted a child. I dont know what to blame: her low libido, my performance issue or what. I got her drunk once and I asked her that and she said that she just didnt like it. Period.
I have NEVER deprived my husband of sex, unless it's during menstruation. I think that's one of the worst things a woman can do. Have you tried other forms of sex, I.e. oral, manual, etc. She should be more understanding of your needs and not be so selfish about hers.
pkees: both the husband and wife should be understanding of each others need, a man does not come beofre a woman and vice verca, if sex hurts a woman then she shouldnt do it!1 simple really would you put your self through pain just so your husband can get himself off?
I am married and I want sex all the time. I am very sexual and I think its normal for a couple to have sex. I would have an affair but don't go to a hooker it may turn green and fall off. Have you been with anyone else? Try counciling. Do you want kids?
Don't b an idiot. Just b happy. there are some blokes out there with sti's bcoz of hookers and other sluts. Even Hitler! Your religious reasons of nt having sex must have been so poor, as your not a good follower as your thinking of having an affair!
daaaaammmnn.. you and i are on parallel universe.. I was shitting all over myself as I read your post as I am sitting right here, in YOUR shoes.. Dude, shit.. damn.. son of a bitch.. awww man I just am freaking at how exactly I feel like you..
daikh yar yeh sirf us ka darhai are kch nai,,,. ap ka kam us k dar ko khatam kerna hai \
ap us se pehly sirf oral sex kerooo are phir kabi use drunk kr k teen char shootsmar do,,,
and m sure every thing will b all right buddy.
Well my opinion is to do not have an affaire!!! just have some council if she refuges tell her about your feelings. And if she doesn't care about them then she not into you so. yeah maybe a divorce I guess she not a attracted to you sexually.
ok you need to talk to her, I know you don't want to cheat. but if she can be open to the idea of you having someone to just have sex with, then go for it. or see if she'll let you order a hooker once a week. (that last part was a joke.)
My impression is that you 2 are inexperienced in this respect. So, I think both of you need some sex experience with somebody else and later a discussion on that why you do not fit each other recently. Maybe you will find the problem.
If she won't go to a counsilor with you about it, kick her to the curb and move on. It's a vital part of a marrage, and life is too short to do nothing. TRUST me on this one. We did counciling for the same thing, and it's ok now.
I don't understand how these women could not want to have sex! I would have sex every day of the week if I could--especially with a man so willing to please me. Couples need this sort of intimacy to keep the relationship going.
Religion has probably ruined her from having a normal view about sex. Get some counseling. Sex is a normal and healthy thing that two people should share together. If she refuses, dump her and find yourself a normal woman.
Religion has probably ruined her from having a normal view about sex. Get some counseling. Sex is a normal and healthy thing that two people should share together. If she refuses, dump her and find yourself a normal woman.
I think that she should talk to a doctor and find out why it is painful for her to have sex with you. Is it only physical or has something happened to her when she was younger? Your penis could be to big for her Verina.
The short answer is that you are being neglected. She may have very deep rooted reasons for doing so.. You should not find a f**k buddy but you should seekm counsiling with someone who specializes in that area.
If I could redo my life I would go for a LAT relationship this way you never get trapped in the stadium were the libido of the wife goes down, that's usually what happens when you start living together.
that sucks I would die with out sex 4 that long but then yet I have me my self and I and as long as I have that I am good if she don't want sex get a vagina I mean not a real 1 but just a sex toy
This seems to be the norm for most married couples. I say just keep porn videos and beat off. Or maybe you need to go down on her and make her very horny that way and then have sex with her.
dont leave your wife, if you love her stay with her..
but maybe she could find help for this problem of hers, maybe she could see a gynocologist, and you never know it might all change. :)
when you have sex pay attention too her face too see if your hurting her...wait until she come to you then when you do have sex you'll get more out of her..she might even give you a BJ!!!
Divorce her and stop wasting valuable time in this short life we live. Allow her to find someone else who doesnt like sex, you know these people do exist... she is the perfect example.
But the best thing to do is CONVINCE your wife to like it. Try new things, do orals at least. Not everyone likes it the first few times. Maybe she'll eventually change her mind.
you should have a talk with her. maybe you need a mistress, because that is a major element in a relationship. Shes your wife and im pretty sure she wants to make you happy
Oh, guys, and one bad news for you: women whose sexual appetite is very low do exist! They are called frigids and you should stay away from them. And no marriage, OK? :D
I can't imagine what u're going through,I mean what good is a relationship without sex,n e way thats me I really don't no 4 you guys...I really hope things work out 4u.
I say god made sex for marriage so findign someone else isnt right...deal with it talk to her maybe try different ways I don't know jsut dont have premarital sex
I say god made sex for marriage so findign someone else isnt right...deal with it talk to her maybe try different ways I don't know jsut dont have premarital sex
I hear this all the time. You should check out www.mywifeisnothorny.com. It is not a porn site, but a site for helping men change the relationship.
well you dont always want sex be maybe that is why she is sayin no just wait a while and she will be beggin you for it
kk xxxannnikaxxx
just keep having it with her while she is sleeping. just put it in there. if she wakes up say srry but I need 2 do this for many reason!!!
try really good oral sex to her, girls worship any guy who can perform GREAT oral then may be thatl stretch her owta bit :D xx Brittany
its good you dont cheat on her cause then you wont have anyone, just talk to her and tell her you shouldnt be shy to have sex
its good you dont cheat on her cause then you wont have anyone, just talk to her and tell her you shouldnt be shy to have sex
You're doomed. Have no children, get a divorce immediately. No shame in that and no one will (or should) blame you.
sex doesnt mean anything to a relationship! the relationship is more important then the sex DRIVE! no offence !
your wife gave you the chance to get a f*ckbuddy so go find your old girlfriend and pound the hell out of her.
You Should Tell Your Wife That You And Her Should HAve Sex But Maybe Once every 2 Weeks
couldn't you just say, HEY BABE I"M SUPER HORNY AND I NEED IT FROM YOU? LOL I WOULD>>>
how di d you put this out two years ago if you married 1 year and four months ago lier
you're wife is just crazy and she needs a psychiatrist. I think you should drug her...
D.I.V.O.R.C.E
or tell her to suck it up and get used to it. who doesn't like sex?
D.I.V.O.R.C.E
or tell her to suck it up and get used to it. who doesn't like sex?
try different positions!! soem are more comfortable for some people than others...
get another wife. I have lived with a woman like that for 38 years and it is hell.
hey I'm a 18 year old girl married to an 44 year old and we have no prob.
GET OVER IT you IDIOT IF you LOVE HER you WILL GET OVER IT NO OFFENCE:)
Divorce her, get out, it will not get better and you're still young.
I have the same probablem how to work throw it is the problem I know
fukbuddy all the way bro. almost everyone needs sex haha
awww man I can't believe I am in the same situation.
she may have a medical problem. get help for her.
BECOME SWINGERS.
SWAP WIVES.
YA KNOW?
oh my god juniperone wtfff ...just...no
this is what your rite hand is for buddy
you should just learn to live with it
This sucks!!!! Wish I were gay
Chloroform, that's what I do.
Get a hooker and screw her
If you need sex I am here
WOW I dunno wut ta say
WOW I dunno wut ta say
I agree ^_^
respect her