My 11 year old has a "boyfriend"

My 11 year old has a boyfriend (if that is what you call it). They see each other at school in the halls and during lunch. I like him, he is a good kid, in honors classes and participates in various after school activities. My daughter is the same, she is a straight A, honors student and very sports oriented. So you can guess what a suprise it was when she came home from school one day announcing that she had a boyfriend. She has claimed to have a crush on him since kindergarten. We would always tease her about him. They spend time together with other friends around. Last night they discussed a kiss on the cheek. They have never even held hands, unless picking each other up off the floor when one of them falls while roller skating or tripping---if that counts. I was watching them last night when I picked my daughter up how they talk to each other or how he leans up against the wall and looks at her. He claims to have had a crush on her since kinder also. Well, I don't know how to take the kissing thing. She was shocked, she told me and told him that she was not allowed to kiss because I did not allow it. He did not get upset. He has never been anything but considerate to her...in fact he is more a gentleman than most men I know. And that was that...the night went on as if nothing was ever discussed. My daughter tells me most of everything, but I read this on one of her text messages to one of her friends and confronted her about it calmly. I think I was more upset that she did not tell me, then about the kissing discussion. I am afraid that she will not tell me when this kissing thing happens because that is one of the rules I have set. Up until this she has told me everything, but she was afraid I would get upset. I don't really know if I would be upset because I remember my first kiss, but at the same time...I said no kissing. So I am stuck..most kids when you tell them no they do it anyway. What should I do? I want her to continue to tell me everything and tell me when anything happens without thinking that I would get upset. I couldn't tell my parents anything, so I don't know how to handle all this. I am looking for some advice from parents who have been through the this.

18 answers

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ANSWER #1 of 18

I was 11 2 years ago and had a boyfriend and we kissed on the cheek.It wasnt a big thing if your daughter and her boyfriend are responsible for their actions then they wont go any farther than kisses on the cheeks


ANSWER #2 of 18

Just because hes a good kid and they are both in honors classes are you going to sit there and let him break your daughter in?
So you don't allow your daughter to kiss but ok to have a boyfriend that don't make since to me because boyfriends and girlfriends sooner or later kiss then f***.I am a blunt person and I will tell ya if you need advice on this then your thick and your daughter will make you a grandma at the age of 13.
I think you need to set a rule no boyfriends period till shes old enough my god woman what the hell is wrong with you she hasn't even finished developing yet and probably didn't even start her period yet.
You might as well just buy them a motel room.
My daughters are both in honors classes also that don't make it ok to date.My daughter is 16 and she is too young to have a boyfriend therefor my 11 year old wouldn't have one either thats little bit too young don't you think?
Mind you most kids are doing it when parents like you let them.I DO NOT!
Both my daughters are virgins and will stay that way till they are old enough.
Sometimes a mother needs to get some balls and put their foot down so why not give it a try before its too late and your daughter is not a virgin.

P.S.
My 16 yr old shaves her legs but my 11 yr old does not so thats up to you to decide.

1937cord totally disagree with you for I read my daughter's texts and email their isn't nothing wrong with that at all.Thats just being a mother watching out for their kids.
I put a stop to a pedophiles dream 3 years ago.Till this day I will continue checking texts,emails ect...

one twin is born at 11:59 and the other is born at 12:00
ANSWER #3 of 18

I'm not a parent yet, but I think I could help. I'm glad that you have open communication with her, that means she trusts you and thinks of you as a friend/teacher. Approaching her about it without getting upset is the best way to go. To keep it open between you both, keep an open mind. Make sure she knows where you stand, but tell her if it does happen, you want to know. Don't be upset with her. You could also give her your reasons for not wanting them to kiss, even on the cheek. If it's because she's your baby girl, and you're scared she'll be growing up too quickly if she does, tell her that. If it's because you're afraid one thing will lead to another too quickly, tell her that.
The way I liked it done when I was younger was when we went off by ourselves on neutral territory. I lived with my grandma, and her way of doing it was with food. We'd either go on a picnic in the park, to get an icecream cone, or some Wendy's. If it begins to take a turn for the worst, (ex: She doesn't want to talk about it or get's touchy), don't get frusterated and tell her it is important to you, whenever she is ready to talk about it in a time frame you are comfortable with (ex: by dinner time tomorrow). Change the subject to something that will put her at ease, and keep the conversation flowing. You don't want to make her angry with you.
If she's ok with it, and this boy she's with is such a gentle men, talk to them both about it so he knows she's not just bluffing about your rule and go in for it anyway. Talk to them as if they were adults. Make sure she's ok with it though, or it could lead her to resent what you did, and hide things from you further.

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ANSWER #4 of 18

Theres nothing wrong with this. Your her mother before her friend. Rules and guide lines need to be set, and they should start at an early age. I'm 20 with no kids, but my mother was always super strict with me. She made it nown that she was my mother, not my friend. It was her job to pertect me. I wasn't even allowed to start dating till my senior year of high school, and didn't get my first boyfriend till I graduated. At times I hated my mother, but in the end I appreciate it because I'm a good girl with a good rep. Theres nothing wrong with a little snooping, or being strict. Its the girls without strong structure and a stern mother that wander around. Basicaly, tighten that grip on her while you still can, or else you'll never get the chance to even hang on to her. Parents should force that innocence and childhood on their kids because if not they just want to grow up too fast and do things that their really not ready for.

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ANSWER #5 of 18

An 11-year-old should not be dating for many developmental, emotional, and social reasons. Most preteens (and even a good number of high-school students) don't date. They are most comfortable in group activities. Most of them are working hard at figuring out just how to talk to the other gender!
"Liking guys" at school is not unusual for an 11-year-old. However, there is a major difference at her age between liking boys and dating them. 11-year-olds are far too young to engage in dating behaviors.

If your daughter looksyears older than her age, her emotional intelligence, reasoning, and judgment have a long way to go to catch up to her body. She may be a girl with the body of an older teen, but her emotional and intellectual makeup remains that of an 11-year-old. Older boys often pursue girls who mature earlier physically and these girls are often flattered and excited by this attention.

Boys and girls socializing together at this age is healthy, and individual dating should not be encouraged or allowed.

What's the point of dating at 11? There is none. Raise your daughter to focus on other things -- volunteering in the community, animals shelters, and school activities. Teach her that she should focus on bettering herself as a person and civic duty. As a child, it's the perfect time to instill these values. These should make her feel good about herself so she doesn't need to rely on a boy for this or for "raising her status" among her peers. Girls really need to build a sense of self value before they are old enough to date. The girls I know/knew who dated early held very different things in high regard, including their own dignity.

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ANSWER #6 of 18

Make sure you are open to her wanting to "date" on a certain level. if you can call it that. Just offer to let her and her "boyfriend" and a couple of their friends over to the house to watch movies, and hang out, that way you can keep an eye on them and even hear (without eaves dropping) snipits of conversations to make sure they aren't talking about sex/drugs.

The world is changing. I am 18 and have been engaged for almost 3 years now. Crazy, I know. I was young, but I am sure everything for her is social and just regular preteen/teenager stuff. AT 11 I dont expect her to even take her own relationships seriously. By the time you read this she will probably have had 3 or 4 "boyfriends" after this one already.

just like I said, let her hang out around the house. Be the "cool" parent and let her "chill" with her boyfriend and their friends and you can keep an eye on her. Not in a nosy parent way but an "I'm looking out for your safety" kind of way. Just note severe personality changes, they can be bad. But if you let her hang around the house you can see more how they interact with each other and how her personality is changing at this time in general. It will also let you get to know the boy better. You dont have to be nosy, especially if you are TRUELY open with her sharing things with you. The best parent is one who listens and accepts what the child is saying. She will do what she wants if you forbid her or not, better to know a few things you wont like hearing and being able to help guide her through it than not knowing and possibly risking her harm.

I wish you lots of luck. Oh, and one last bit of advice, make sure you tell her you love her and comfort her a lot, because there will be times when she is going to go through things that she CANT tell you, but she will still need your support to make the right decisions on her own.

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ANSWER #7 of 18

well, I never tell my mom what goes on because in know that shed get really mad, and my mom NEVER understands anything that I tell her, but I think youd just have to confrunt her that she can tell you anything, and that you wont be mad, but I also think that kisses on the cheek would be fine, but just tell her that the lips are going to have to wait until later.

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ANSWER #8 of 18

If you invade her privacy its going to make her not want to tell you anything. My mom always looked through my things and it made me so mad I stopped talking to her about anything like that. It just ruins everything, so just trust that she will tell you.

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ANSWER #9 of 18

when I was eleven my best friend had a boyfriend and they would french kiss which I think is perfectly normal so no offense, but don't overeact about a kiss on the cheek.

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ANSWER #10 of 18

hey im 14 and I had a boyfriend when I was 11. I would just let her have a boyfriend. just make sure she understands the rules that you would give her.

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ANSWER #11 of 18

I am not a parent yet, but I think I will be able to give you some good advise. I really admire that you and your daughter are open with each other. At 19 years old, my mother and I dont necessarily have that relationship but more of that typical parent child relationship. In order to have her be open with you, you cannot tell her that "YOU HAVE RULES"...but I would call it suggestions, and explain why. Tell her that a kiss is the most affectionate thing that a person can do with another, and its something that should happen if you really feel like it should. By explaining it in that matter, without phrasing it as a rule of yours, then she will understand your viewpoint way more and be more open in talking to you. By you checking her text messages, will be another reason for her to keep things away from you...you dont want that.

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ANSWER #12 of 18

loads of children have boyfriends. they are conforming to social behaviour - thinking that have a boyfriend is cool, they arent really atttracted to each other. many psychologists have studied it. I wouldnt worry about it. By the times she reaches early teens all these silly relationships will have ended as then they are thought to be 'uncool'. im 14 and I have had several silly relationships - they are so boring and I wouldnt worry about t.


ANSWER #13 of 18

well im not a parent but im a teenager who has been through this. When I was little I'd kiss my little boyfriends and it didnt mean anything. at this age you dont really have to worry about anything bad happening cause kids think its gross. She may be scared not to tell you because it is your rule, but you shouldnt listen in on her phonecalls or read her texts cause then she'll lose more trust in you and start to not tell you any thingg


ANSWER #14 of 18

Dear mizzy,
You are going to have to realize she isn't going to tell you every thing and as she gets older she will keep more and more from you. Year by year your rules will have to be changed, altered and agreed on with her. I am assuming you have taught your daughter everything by now about sex, relationships, peer pressure etc. Trust you've done a good job in raising her. She will make mistakes and with luck they will be small ones. Reinforce your teachings on herpes and STDs with her and explain this is why you are fearful. Again trust her to use this information wisely. I would sit with her and perhaps and talk about revising your rules. The most important thing is to always remember you are not her friend you are her authority, disciplinarian and her support.
Sue...good luck


ANSWER #15 of 18

personally, a kiss on the cheek is nothing "Serious" they arent going to do much more than that.if anything at all. something you probably need to consider is not allowing her to text . shes 11 not 16. I dont want to tell you how to live yalls lives so please dont take it personal but I didnt even get a phone until I was 13...11 is a little young when it comes to getting a cell phone.. if you keep reading her text tho.. she wont trust u...trust me.


ANSWER #16 of 18

Hey, she has every right to read her daughter's texts. She does pay for the service, after all.

Best thing you can do is assure her that it's in her best interest to tell you things up front rather than have you find out unsavory things otherwise. She needs to be assured that she won't be 'punished' for opening up, and that you're only there to support her.


ANSWER #17 of 18

well I work with kids from grades 1st-6th and from my expierence parents have made it a rule to their kids that they shouldn't date until their a certain age ( highschool maybe??) kids these days arn't afraid of the opposite sex any more. I work with this one girl who lost her virginity when she was 12. I WOULD BE WORRIED TOO. but I suggest you set some boundaries with your daughter before it gets to serious


ANSWER #18 of 18

You should get along with the parents and bring your kid.Then you can have them together and check on them once in awhile. Then if they go to say movies have them sit in the front and them in the back. Then you can give them some privicy. Just don't lie to them okay.


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