I am married to a man I have known almost 30 years. (platonic)Third marriage for both of us. We have been married a little over two years. Right from the beginining we had problems.He is not the person I thought he was.We argue often because I am constanly suspicious of him being deceitful.He has told me that he will lie to me(or any one els) to keep from getting in an arguement or to avoid hurting someones feelings.He tells me he will call who he wants when he wants.He tells me he is a 47 year old man(now48) and he will do what he wants and he isn't doing anything wrong.And then I say"By who's standards?" About 1989 my husband got involved with a married woman who is 16 years older than he. He was suposed to be friends with her and husband.Even calling them "mom and dad" renting room from them off and on over the years.They did have a sexual relationship for about 10 years.My husband now has E.D.wich is why I think the sexual part stopped with them.They continued an emotional affair in my opinion,right into our marriage.At first I let it go because he swore they are just friends. Here is some of the reasons I do not and cannot trust him.How stupid can I be?Or am I just being suspious? Once after he hang up with her he looked at me smiled and said"I can have her at any time" What?Another time he called her up and said"Hi Baby,it's me" Huh?This is when I started realizing this is more then friendship.He use to have coffee with her while I was at work.(He is self employed).He use to watch her bowl while I was at school(5wk STNA coarse) because he didn't have anything to do.When I told my husband how I felt and told him I wanted this to stop and if it didnt I was going to tell her husaband,the friend stopped calling the house that day and then only called his cell phone and only while I was at work or he was at his weekend job. He swears he never told her what I said about telling her husband.He got her to co sign two credit cards even though I asked him not to they did it while I was at work but,he said he did it for us,so we could get a washer and dryer.I told him to begin with ,we should put our money together and get them.We agreed that so I would know what they are talking about he would not answer when she calls and return her call while I was present.He did not do this twice they talked while he was at work he agreed again that he would not answer and call her back when I was present.But she left a message stating"I need to talk to you"according to him, so he called her back right away.Again breaking the trust.He says "It was just a phone call"He often contradicts himself in what he says and gets angry ,raises his voice at me when I question him.He says I think too much. He says I should keep those thoughts to my self (suspsions).He will shout "if Im such a no good liar then why do you stay with me."He says that EVERYONE lies and he is the most honest person I am ever going to find." What am I not getting here?.A couple weeks ago we got into an arguement over him taking a shower befor his week end job.He had taken a shower the night befor-we went to the movies and came home went to bed.4:30 in the morning he takes another shower wich was unusual for him.I said "you took another shower?' He responded with"see"Like he exspected me to be suspsious.Then I found out (via online phone records) That he started calling a female co worker right after he left the house at 5:30 AM again around 6 :00 and again around 7:00AM.He says that he wanted to ask her if she would cover for him at work if somthing came up but she didn't answer. I asked him why he thinks its okay to call her or anyone els at 5:30 AM and to understand I asked did she tell you to call anytime he said "NO!" then acouple sentances later he said"She told me to call her anytime"This woman is a widow.She already hooked up her neice with one of the guys who works there.(My daughters boyfriend who she has a 3 yr.old with ).And now I unde rstand the women has been fooling around with a married man at work.My husband recently started talking about life insurance policies etc.This was before I found out about this woman at work and her being a widow.My husband has his own towing bussiness.One day I was with him when he got a call to an adress he acted like he didnt know where the street was and turned around three times going differant directions.I said to him "Whats wrong with you? You know thats off West 130th. Later after finding out more info. on the coworker and doing a name search That very same address came up for her.The tow was called in by her nephew who now owes my husband for a tow and wont pay him .Do I really need all this? I have a mentally dissabled child .I know how very hard it is on my own.He is excellant about providing anything.He does not go out nights.He watches my daughter while I work if she is sick.I work part time.I told him once "I cant even work a full time job because you'll be having an affair with grandma!" I have lost my income tax last year because he owes back taxes.Now there is a hold on this year. Wow !!! I need counceling!!! Yesterday we went to a resteraunt we have talked about going to for about a year.When we got there he referred to the wine on the wall as Vino(somthing he had never done around me befor)He is not Italian.When the waitress came over and asked if this was our first time here I said "No,it;s our first time"but,at the same time he said "I don't know if I ever been here" What? When I opened the menu whats the first word that pops out at me -VINO.I asked him the next day how could he not know if he has ever been there before.Does he have Amnesia or was he on a twenty year drunk and he doesnt remember what he did.Am I being suspious over nothing?He tells me I should have been a detective.He has told me before that Im right about my instincts 90% of the time but not about him .We have had an intamacy issue also.We use to fight over me wanting to be affectionate and now we fight over deciet because I have gave up on intamacy and affection etc. I told him I will seek counceling because either him or my instincs are lying to me.By the way,after the last time he called his friend ex lover,I did tell her husband.Maybe be the reason for the interest in the coworker.I told him that I understand he has to talk to women at work,on tows in the world in general but, when it goes beond work and get spersonal thats differant.Need impartial opinion.
The reason that you are being suspicious and "like a detective" is because your instincts are telling you that he is cheating. When you know you are safe in a relationship, you don't have those feelings usually. I have been there and this is like reading what was happening to me. My husband was doing things that didn't seem right, but I was trying to find reasons besides cheating that could explain things. Well, I did finally find out that he was cheating. I blew up and told him that we were through. I made him move out. It was pretty dramatic because we have been married for almost 23 years. This was a wake up call for him. He came back begging me to take him back and willing to go to marriage counseling or whatever I said. We have been working on things and our marriage is so much better than it was.
There are no guarantees, and I won't say that things would work out this way for you. I think in our case, though, his knowing that he was losing me over this was what he needed to realize that he loved me and wasn't willing to lose me.
I really wish you the best and I know how horribly this feels. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I hope everything turns around for you for the better.
p.s. I really believe that things got so much better because I prayed very hard and had many people praying for us.
Hi, I am in the same shoes, my boyfriend of 10 years is telling me different facts too. He would stay over at other girl's house for a week at a time and he tells me because he have to work. he is a doctor, and everytime I say something, he would tell me, "you know how many sick people I have to take care? you are so selfish, its all about you isnt it." When I ask him to introduce me to his "friend" ( the girl he has been staying with" he would say, " she is busy, she is a doctor too. unlike you, she have things to do." I am confused. We knew each other since 15 and started to go out at the age of 16. to go through med school, he had to take a loan of 300k. I never cared if he had money, I was even prepare to help him pay it off, I make good money as an engineer. But I am not sure what is happening to my life. I am very confused and I cry for days at a time, I cry at my office washroom. I dont want to admit to my friends and my mom and dad, that "yes" I made the wrong chooice. he said we will be married in 5 years. I will be 34 than.. should I wait? I dont know.
LIFE IS TO SHORT. I THINK IF YOU CARE MORE ABOUT YOURSELF YOU WOULD WASTE LESS TIME ON THIS MAN THERE ARE SO MANY OUT THERE. MY HUSBAND WAS DOING THE SAME THING. SO I DIDN'T INCLUDE HIM IN ANY THING I WAS DOING. I STARTED WORKING OUT AND LOOKING BETTER. SOON THINGS CHANGED BECAUSE I WAS RUNNING AFTER HIM. WHO DID HE THINK HE WAS ANY WAY. LOVE AND WAR PLAY YOUR CARDS WELL. MEN LOVE A WOMEN THAT COULD CARE LESS BECAUSE THEY ARE DOING THERE OWN THING. MAKE HIM THINK YOUR UP TO SOMETHING. CUT HIM OFF FROM ALL THE ATTENTION. ACT DIFFRENT BUY DIFFRENT OUT FITS LISTEN TO DIFFRENT MUSIC. BECAUSE TWO CAN PLAY A GAME BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE WINNER.MAKE HIM THINK. NEVER LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANT HIM. MEN WANT WHAT THEY CAN FULLY HAVE. CATTY I KNOW BUT IT WORKS BEEN MARRIED FOR 13 YEARS.
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OH MY GOD. HES A LOSER. GET RID OF HIM. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. BY YOU STAYING WITH THIS GUY , YOU ARE LETTING THE OPERTUNITY TO MEET A GREAT GUY PASS YOU RIGHT BY. NOT EVERYONE LIES HUN. IF HE SAYS THAT. ITS JUST A MINIPULATION TACTIC TO LOWER YOUR SELF ESTEEM. THERE ARE GOOD MEN IN THIS WORLD. IM ON MY 2ND MARRIAGE AND THE FIRST ONE. YIKES IS ABOUT ALL I CAN SAY. LIAR, CHEATER, ABUSIVE. YOU NAME IT.. THE MAN I HAVE NOW IS HONEST , CARING , LOVING, HONEST, FAITHFUL. GREAT WITH MY KIDS. KEEP LOOKING HONEY. YOU HAVENT FOUND HIM YET BUT HES OUT TERE.
If you cant trust him why are you married to him? Nobody here can tell you whether or not he is cheating you, but in my opinion your constant badgering would certainly drive him to it. If he wants to be friends and speak with another woman he shouldn't have to defend himself for calling her. Or for taking a shower before work! Everyone should. If the trust is truly gone, just leave. Don't ruin both of your lives by being so distrustful, it's not doing anyone any good.
Point is...you have no trust for your husband and he has made it very clear he will do what he wants regardless of your feelings. Ask yourself...when are you ever going to have a strong and carefree marriage when you trust him???? never!! do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this situation cos it doesnt seem like he wants to change and be truthful. This is going to be your life....dont you think its been long enough ?
We started marriage counseling today.We go back next week. I have to work on what can he do for me to trust him and he was told to search his heart and decide if he is going to be done with the other woman. Humm, will let you know if we end up in divorce court .thanks so much!
no worries glad to hear you are taking steps tho. If you need to talk please email me ok, and let me know how you are going :)
