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Okay, when I was 10, I was adopted, along with my 5 brothers and sisters. I was okay for having been in foster care for most of my life, I didn't steal, I didn't really worry all that much about how my body looked. I might lie once in a while, but I was okay. After a few months, my parents took me to a doctor who told them, that at my weight of 125lbs, I would probably become an insulin-dependent diabetic, caused by type 2 diabetes. He also perscribed me some "crazy pills" as my parents called them, which made them dislike him, and subsequently, decided the best thing to do would be to not take me to ANY doctor. They, although they did not like or agree with the doctor, still thought he was right about the diabetes. What they decided was the best was to handle it was weigh me EVERY Friday, and, if I had gained any weight in school, would only give me one egg for breakfast and chicken broth for dinner, the whole weekend, to make me lose the weight again. They also went to my school and told the lunch lady about the diabetes thing, which she believed. Because of this, and I realize this does not justify it, I just want to explain, I started stealing money and other kid's lunches, then I would go to the restroom and make myself throw-up, so that my parents would not know, but I would still gain weight. Once, at 13, I ran away, but had no idea what to do. I went to a church, where they called CPS and then I was taken to a halfway house. I wanted so badly not to return to my house that I told them I was going to kill myself if they tried to make me return there. I was taken to a crazy house, where I talked to a doctor. She realized that I wasn't really crazy, and called my parents to come and get me. I didnt really know how to explain what was happening to her, so I was forced to return with them. I was kicked out of a highschool because of the theft. I had stolen a girls wallet, to see if there was any money in it, but it only had about a dollar. I was put into a hs for troubled kids, for 9th graders only, but I started talking to the counselor about what was happening when she caught me throwing up. My dad found out, had her fired and moved me to another school. Next, whenever other people came over to eat, they would allow me to eat a "normal" amount, and whatever dessert they were having, as they had also cut sugar out of my diet. I was constantly told, even at my lowest weight of 105 ( I was 5'7" at 10yrs), that I was fat and ugly. I was only given clothes that were given to my mom by friends whos parents had died, (my mother was 53 when I was adopted). I finally ran away when I was almost 16. I came to san francisco, where I now live. Now I am a mother and pregnant again, so I am trying to stop the bulemia. I try to talk to my father about how he hurt me, but he always has an excuse about why I'm not really bulemic. He teaches a drug/alcohol counselor program for a university in California, and studied psychology, so anything he says is right, and anything anyone else says that is different is wrong. I tried to tell them what they were doing to me when I lived there, but he didnt believe it until he read about like 3 years later in some magazine. I wish that I had never signed the adoption papers... I cant sleep recently because of thinking about this. I have no idea what to do or where I can go to get help with this... Please only give constructive advice.
It's unfortunate that most of us let our past dictate our future! Hi, my name is Alyssa and I am an alcoholic! For five years I was in the grips of a disease, a disease I blamed my parents and upbringing on! After three months in recovery that I myself put myself through, and after two years being sober I've learned that as individuals we have to take responsibility for our own welfare! We can let those who hurt us know what they did, but also let them know that we also could have reacted or responded more kindly or however the case may be. Perhaps we're responsible for keeping ourselves in a harmful situation. In any case to get over the past one really has to take a thourough look at themselves and sometimes the truth can hurt! To do this you have to remove pride, the biggest barrier to becoming free of the past! Don't let what others think of you get in the way of being you! Sit down and make a list of all the hurts caused by others and yourself? Do you see a pattern of fear, jealousy, pain? In each instance see what was aroused in yourself? Tell a person you trust all the things you've done in your life good and bad, and proceed to live life as free as possible from there. Now in order to do that, you have to ask your self honestly if you are bulimic. Only you will know the answer to that. If so, are you ready to seek and ACCEPT (a huge one) help. Your an adult now with children to care for, and what your father believes about your sickness is no longer relevant. You have to stand up and do what's in your heart! The trick is being true and honest to yourself in the face of being hurt. As long as you keep your side of the street clean, your open and honest, are as caring as you can be in a given in a situation (it may be hard to give comfort to a father who won't heed it), your doing all that you can, and should take refuge in that!
I know this seems long winded, and may be a little confusing, so please if you have any questions don't hesitate to contact me ... my prayers are with you.
Good Luck
If you are sure that your current bouts of throwing up is because of bulimia and not a severe case of "morning sickness" because of pregnancy (Which doesn't have to be confined to morning, necessarily, and can conitinue throughout the pregnancy) speak to a specialist for eating disorders, a nutritionist, to help you learn to eat right, since you never got to do that, and also your ob/gyn, and coordinate all three doctors whith each other, make sure that they are keeping in touch with each other and working as a team, not against each other, giving conflicting advices.
Good Luck
I'm not really sure what you need help with. The Bulemia? Your realationship with your parents? In any case...
Chill.
Look forward to where your life is headed, instead of dwelling on things from the past. It sounds like you're safe now. You're also a mother, focus on your children.
