What do you think of my writing?

heres a free preview of one of my writing pieces I recently submitted to teen ink. a writing website just for teen made for teens…by teens. but anyways what do you think. feel free to comment whatever youd like. im free to suggestions.

Preface….

It all occurred so quickly. In fact it happened at such speed I didn’t even have time to think about the situation. Much less react. Even if I did have enough time , what were my options. It would end in loss either way. In the end someone’s life would be no more, and the other would be unhappy. My father deserved a lot of things, but he didn’t deserve death. Death didn’t deserve my father. It was surreal. Everything in that instant was forgotten. No real emotion was felt. No actual thought went through my mind. The only thing envisioned were two bright lights, but not the kind that people usually say they experience in a near death experience. These lights belonged to the car speeding its way toward us. Just as it was about to hit, it seemed to glide with exaggerated slowness. In that instant my fathers head turned to face me. His eyes wide. Frightened. He moved his lips, telling me something I simply couldn’t understand. I closed my eyes, hoping this was all a dream, wishing Id wake sometime soon. As if closing my eyes wasn’t enough I covered them with my hands. Unable to see my fathers frightened expression. Yet failing miserably as the visual stayed in my mind. I opened my eyes in defeat, in time to grab my fathers hand. He squeezed my hand in his, I was unable to look at his face. Scared to see Him scared. I heard a loud crash, and a harsh screech. Then it was over.

Answer #1

I LOVE IT!! You really captured my attention right from the start. It’s suspenseful and engaging. Great job! The only thing I could that stood out to me that I think needs to change is when she covers her eyes. The whole tempo of the piece built up to that moment and it was like suspense suspense suspense! Imminent car crash!! And then she goes and open your eyes again and grab dad’s hand… There wouldn’t be time! You built the tempo up nicely to that point then stoped… and tried to build on top of it, and it just it doesn’t work. I would recommend one or the other; she puts her hands over her eyes - the visual stays in her mind - CRASH! Or she reaches for her dad - scared to look at his face - CRASH! One or the other, not both.

All in all mate, a FANTASTIC piece. Makes me want to read more!! Good on you, you have a great gift. Keep writing!

Answer #2

Very good! Loved it! I write to and I also send some of my pieces to teen ink and netpoets…lol Your a very awesome writer! :)

Answer #3

ok that was nice, and obviously a teen work..but here’s a thing…I felt it..that what’s important..you made me felt that I were in your shoes during that moment..good job..keep on working ^_^

Answer #4

Beautifully done! :) I’m a writer myself, and I have to say, this was very realistic and set the mood well. The tone was wonderfully set and the writing itself, great! All in all, about your writing, I will give you a total thumbs up!

Answer #5

Good work but it’s like it’s a text message. This Then That then this, then. there’s no explanation or description of what’s really going on. I think it could work as an introduction to what is going on and going to happen, but that little bit really doesn’t grab us into the story! Why should we care about the people? Who are they? If we can relate to the people then we get into the story.

Think about it. You are the story teller, not the subject. Describe the peoples’ feelings and what is going on, not just WHAT is going on. I think you have a lot of talent, just explore the edges.

Answer #6

I remmeber you showed me this, gosh I loved it liz, its awesome..I hope your almost done with your novel im dying to read it :D

number one rememeber!! haha good times good times:D

Answer #7

you would be a great suspence writer

Answer #8

This is exceptional. It shows a lot of talent. I know it’s for effect but there are some parts where I think maybe you shouldnt have put a period and should have just continued the sentence. It almost sounds like sentence fragments instead of phrases.

Other than that this is beautiful and sad. There isnt much you could do to make it better. Hope that helps :]

Answer #9

I think its great!!!
I hope the place will like it!! good luck!! KIRSTEN<3

Answer #10

I lovee it liz! (: (: (:

Answer #11

Honestly, it shows that you’re an aspiring writer and a teller of tales, but little else. And I’ll say why. I can tell be reading you’re in grade school, or didn’t pay attention in grammer class. You have way to gerunds, expletives, to be verbs, and Id should be I’d. You’re POV went into 3rd omni in a line.

This line:

It all occurred so quickly. In fact it happened at such speed I didn’t even have time to think about the situation.

In the first sentence you don’t need “all”. It slows the pace and turned me away from the start.

In fact, it would sound so much better if you just started it with the second sentence minus the “In fact” and the “even,” but definately drop the “even”. Sound so much better.

Take my advice, and check out my new book coming out in December called, “War of the Dark Goddess: Book One of The Dark Goddess Trilogy” published by Castle Pubs.

More Like This
Ask an advisor one-on-one!
Advisor

Your Own Writing Coach

Writing Services, Coaching Services, Creative Writing

Advisor

Star Book Writing

Book Writing Services, Book Publishing Services, Ghostwriting Services

Advisor

CV Writing Services Ireland

CV writing, resume writing, cover letter writers, Linkedin Profile writer

Advisor

Great-Essays.com

Academic Writing Services, Custom Paper Writing, Online Essay Services

Advisor

Diamond Nail Supplies

Nail Supplies, Beauty Essentials, Salon Equipment