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What do you think of my Poem?

I would really love some constructive criticism on my poem because most everyone I ask say its nice but I want to improve my skills and with people saying thats nice I cant do so.

Daises dance, the trees whisper the green grass glistens in the summer. songs of the birds carried on the wind

oh such beautiful sounds.

Alone it stood in between the beauty. Silently cascaded in gray brittle leaves lay across its surface with dead trees hiding it form the day.

Opened doors crusted with rust its creaky floor covered in dust. Darkened rooms lifeless and bare no light shown from anywhere.

Forgotten it shall be Empty and hallow was she

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Answer #1

I think its very nice I get a picture in my head while im reading it and thts called imagery, I would get more detail in the tansformation from the nature happy part to the more dark part though I hope I helped:)

Answer #2

its really good so I cant think of much to critisise, but maybe you could use more detail

Answer #3

~~brain0763 That was the girl, it’s symbolism. ~~pretentiouspunk I agree it needs work, however, before calling someone an amateur point out the errors needing work.

In my personal opinion I believe it would sound better if you removed “the” before “trees”, first line in the first stanza, from the second line before summer in the first stanza, & “the” last line of the second stanza.

Perhaps broaden your vocab and use of words a bit then revise it with more ‘advanced’ words. For instance “Opened doors crusted with rust “ Could be “Doors left ajar, scabbed in rust”

“brittle leaves lay across its surface” Could be “Brittle leaves lay abroad the surface”

Don’t be afraid to mix up your rhyme scheme. The same AABB CCDD become banal and dull. ABAB CDCD is a bit better(speaking from personal opinion) But again, mix it up a bit, give your own twist. For instance I did my own scheme ABEAB CDECD in one of my own poems, Endless Masquerade

Overall your poem isn’t bad and does have potential

Answer #4

pretty good you need to mention the girl more often maybe use some more creative words. but all in all pretty darn good better then me thats for sure. :)

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