What do you think about my 'Eddie' poem?

:’( Lea! Tear tear. This is really good - no lie. Look at every one of my answers and you’ll notice that I have never once commented on someone’s poem or song. Why? Because most of the time they suck. Sorry folks, it’s true. I REALLY like this one though. If you want criticism though, I can give you this grammatical edit…I write for a living, so really I just deleted some commas and changed women to woman. EVERYTHING is really good though. These are just tweaks I would do if this was an assignment from a client…

His breathe shudders; there’s melancholy in the air His teeth are all cracked; there’s dirt in his hair A delicate flower going through the streams of life Dark shadows in his mind, very little he sees light They remind him of his past Poor Eddie, poor Eddie, poor Eddie pours another drink Scrambling on the streets for people who care They don’t look in his eyes but give a coin if they dare He shakes the can - five dollars today Double of what he received yesterday The coins remind him of his mistakes Poor Eddie, poor Eddie, poor Eddie pours another drink His tears trace the same line like they always do The same routine, he stares at his worn down shoes Maybe he should give up and quit trying to survive ‘Keep your shoes on. You will be fine,’ says a whisper in his mind The whisper reminds him of loneliness Poor Eddie, poor Eddie, poor Eddie pours another drink He shakes the can again with a sign for need A woman stops and begins to proceed She takes her Christmas money from her pocket in front She looks him in the eyes. ‘This will last you a month’ The woman kept him alive Poor Eddie, poor Eddie, poor Eddie pours another drink

You could put a period at the end of the appropriate lines too, but that’s really it. Concept, style, tone, timing - awesome. Hmm, think that’s it. Laters :-)

Oh, actually, why does Eddie pour a drink at the end? Could he not put the drink down because of the woman? Poor Eddie, poor Eddie, poor Eddie pours the last of his drink down the sewer…pours his last drop…Im not religious, but if you wanted to go that route, you could say pours his soul out to insert favorite deity…I dunno, it might provide a nice little twist at the end. Just a thought.