How do you bathe a cat?

1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)

6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better. METHOD #2: FLUSH ‘N FLUFF

8. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

9. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

10. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

11. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

12. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘power wash and rinse’ which I have found to be quite effective.

13. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

14. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

15. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

    Sincerely,

    The Dog

FUNNY CAT QUOTES To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction, and a cat. The last ingredient is usually the hardest to come by. – Stephen Baker

I gave my cat a bath the other day. They love it. He just sat there and enjoyed it. It was fun for me. The fur kept sticking to my tongue, but other than that… – Steve Martin

One is never sure, watching two cats washing each other, whether it’s affection, the taste, or a trial run for the jugular. – Helen Thomson

Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat. – Lillian Johnson

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.

A dog is man’s best friend. A cat is a cat’s best friend. – Robert J. Vogel

The phrase “domestic cat” is an oxymoron. – George F. Will

Hmm if this is a serious question…

I actually give my cat a bath all the time (yes take a moment to be shocked and amazed)

If its an indoor cat and you know it doesnt have fleas, than I really would suggest you get into the bath tub with it.

Wet cat with warm water (I have an extendible shower), pour in shampoo (I like baby shampoo, doesnt have the drying effect that most cat shampoos do), scrub into fur (kinda like you’re washing your head) and then rinse. I would do the face last as they tend to hate this the most, and be careful you dont pour water into their ears.

Now this tends to be the hardest part because at this point they just want to leave, so scoop up into big towel, making sure paws are completely out of site, dry as much as they let you, and then open door, and throw out of the blanket paws first…

I used to be able to dry her, until I got a bigger hair dryer and was completely mauled. I would not recommend trying the dryer this unless she’s still the size of your palm…

And again, the earlier the better…

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don’t get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a “powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

don’t give cats bathes they take care of that themselves just brush it! and if you look inside a cat’s mouth they have got bristles on theirs rooves of their mouth’s and their tounge to help get rid of dirt and yuckieness of that such

I work at a cat kennel which used to be a cat groomer and I own five cats so believe when I say this, you can’t bathe a cat. Cats hate water. Cat groomers tranquilize cats to bathe them and shave them.

Actualy you can get a special spray stuff at any kind of pet store like petsmart, or pet co..etc you can just spray it on them and just dry and your done! =-)

simple… put about four to five inches of warm water in your tub. hold them by the skin on the back of there necks with one hand at all times and shampoo and rinse with the other. rinse well and do not let the cat get out untill it is compleatly dry, I reccomend blow drying, just make sure its not to hot!

dry clean-lol joke. wrap them in a towel and dip them into a warm bath( with the towel on.. itll get soaking wet, but it works. p.s- put soap on before hand)

I got my kitty over last easter and the first thing I did was give him a bath.. its been awhile since I last did but I recommend armor like sarahhh said…lol good luck

First, spend several thousands of dollars on some armor. Then proceed..

I have three cats, but can only bathe one, and even he still throws a fit. The other two… I have a couple scars from. If you value your life, call up a professional groomer and have them do it lol

Cats are actually decent swimmers, they JUST - DON’T - LIKE - WATER. Although, mrmadcat, it sounds like starting early and gradually might work.

I would also suggest a body harness for the cat (NOT a collar and leash - the cat will hang himself trying to get away). And antiseptic and bandaids for the humans.

GOOD LUCK !!

Cats should be conditioned to water early on. As kittens, introduction to water/bathes/showers enables them later on to actually willingly have one on their own. It’s all learned behavior.

To bathe a cat just fill the water as high as you usually do to have a bath, jump in there yourself, and put your kitty in there with you.

This only applies to KITTENs that are PURELY indoors and do not have parasites/fleas. Kitties are just like having a bath with a baby. Seriously! They get used to it and later on they actually jump in the bath with you.

Psychology for the win :)

fill the tub with warm water, not too hott but definitly not cold!!! hold the cat carefully (with gloves on) and soap the cat, DONT DROP THE CAT IN THE WATER>>>THEY CANNOT SWIM!!! then rinse, quickly take the cat out, wrap it in a towel and dry completely if the cat is wet, in the winter it could die, or get hypothermia.. thats sad. heres a story, I took a bath and my cat jumped in! she loooveesss the water all the time. but dont do that with your cat, my cats diff. and she loves water other cats…not so much, hope I helped!!!

VERY carefully! Use gloves! lol

No, really you should use gloves and fill the tub up with warm water (not too hot!), make sure the door is closed so he/she can’t escape, then proceed to lather your cat with soap, then rinse! Maybe you should wear a mask too… for protection! Good luck!

dammit magichalo1 I was going to type that too!

well what I do is hold the front legs so it wont scratch you and a other person can hold the back and then just washing it

u can use this stuff called DRY SHAMPOO!! try it!

I agree with the person above, I tried to bath my kitty when I was 5 and he mauled me.

THE SAME WAY YOU GIVE A CAT A PILL - PLEASE READ AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the fuc-ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

IF YOU LOVE YOUR CAT - CALL A PROFESSIONAL

I’ve done it before. just be prepared for all the scratches youwill be getting! :) it can be fun to see them run around the house afterward! if it’s a kitten it will look like a drown rat. lol!