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I wish I could turn back time.. PLZ I :'( WHILE I Rememed THIS. I RLY Need help!

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I had a fight with my best friend/cousin last time she visited from another state. We haven't talked since, which was six months ago. We used to talk every day on the phone and since then we haven't spoken a word or even attempted to get a hold of each other.

I am confessing right now, that we both said a few things we shouldn't have. I called her a bitch and called her out for running to her dad every time she got in a rough patch. (I was 13 she was 12)

And we both just had a huge fight. I wrote a note to myself that I was planning to take home and put in my diary and it included some mean words about my family... the next morning (we were all at my grandmother's house) we ignored each other.

My grandmother had found the note (she is strict Christian and believes in loving your family, ect.) and talked to me about how I shouldn't write stuff like that. It was horrible, and embarrassing, and I wish I could turn back time.

And so later my cousin started randomly crying, and left the kitchen (we were all making dinner) and so I followed her, and of course, so did her dad. And I got so annoyed because I knew what was coming and...

I wish I never called her those names, or insulted her. I still feel so bad now and it hurts me every day to think about it. I wish I could apologize...

Our grandmother took us outside, and talked to the both of us about fighting, and how we were cousins and shouldn't argue of hate each other or call each other names.

I really feel like I messed things up. We have been best friends since we were little kids... As long as I can remember.

Our grandmother made us hug and made me say sorry (seems like the whole time she was only on MY case about it. we were both fighting... why only make me say sorry? but I guess it was my fault).

And so then we both went inside and sung karaoke (something we both enjoy).

I really want to make her see I am sorry but it is so hard. For the rest of her visit things were super tense and we kinda tried to avoid each other. I thought about just going along and next time just acting like nothing had happened but...

I guess I should vent this now while I am on this topic.

I mean, my cousin is awesome. And we have been best friends for ever. We always got along. But lately when she visits she is so braggy.

She brags the she doesn't have to wear a life jacket when we go swimming. (I HAVE TO ONLY BECAUSE MY MOM IS A WORRY WUSS AND WON'T LET ME DO HARDLY ANYTHING.)

She brags about her clothes, and how she is allowed to wear whatever she wants.

She brags about how SHE can go work with her dad, something that really hurts me because my dad is disabled and cannot work anymore.

It really hurts to know I am in a fight with my best friend. I feel like we never really apologized.

She was teaming up with my little sister in the process, so I teamed up with hers.

When we "made up" she was still bragging so much it got annoying so I tried to avoid her.

I am not saying this wasn't my fault too. I said some stuff I shouldn't have, and at the end of the night, I heard her crying. Which made me cry. Which I hate doing. It makes me feel weak.

So I stayed quiet. Right before I fell asleep that night I was thinking whether or not to apologize so I said really quickly out loud "Sorry *insert name here*" and went to sleep.

I have to say that is the first time I had cried in almost a year. I hate fighting with her. We haven't talked at all... I am waiting for next summer, and writing a long not before then.

She might come to our state during spring vacation like last year.. maybe not.

All this was caused over a stupid xbox game. I never want to play it again, nor will I ever. We were all taking turns and when my turn came up we kinda started fighting.

Cuz, if you EVER come across this you know who you are. I am so very sorry for saying that stuff, and I never want to fight with you again. Love ya cuz. Hope school is going well.. I miss you a lot...