Sometimes I feel like my parents weren't meant to be parents. They argue about the stupidest things, the smallest detail can set off a fight that affects everyone in the family. They're selfish too, specially my mom, she hesitated to bring me in the clinic for my rash because "it's not that serious" according to her. It took me a week to actually convince her to take me, cuz it was itching so bad and it spread throughout my arms. She also blames my dad for everything...nags him until he feels so bad about himself he just slowly kills himself with alchohol and cigarettes. Sometimes when they have no one to direct their agree to they put the hate and blame of me, their son. I spean 2 languages, learning my 3rd.. never really caused them any trouble.. so why? Anyways, about the commitment issues, because they're so disfunctional as a couple i'm scared to be in a relationship of any kind. I just don't want to end up like them. Miserable people in a trap society calls marriage. A year ago I was dating 3 girls at a single time. The reason why I needed three relationship (after weeks of asking myself) is because 1 relationship with a single person is not enough for the void I feel. I feel empty. I am in a relationship where I never let my guard down, I try and distance myself for protection and because od that I felt like I needed more..not just 1 but 3 relationship just to feel satisfied. When I felt like I was actually starting to develop feelings for them, I decided to let go, out of fear that I might get hurt. I just can't help but wonder if the reason why I can't take any relationship seriously is because my parents never and still aren't taking theirs. It's not like i'm blaming them but subconciously, what if?
We watch and we learn. Be it good behavior or bad, it catches on to us. If you're exposed to it on a frequent basis you are more likely to act out in the same way.This however doesn't mean that you absolutely have no say in choosing the way you're going to behave when you're in a relationship, but it does have a big influence. Some people carry that on into their relationships while others work on building one that's nothing like the one they've been around. So it's up to you.
If you don't like it, change it. If you can, don't be around it at all. And when you're ready to join someone in a relationship, keep in mind that they're not there to 'fix' you. They're not there to deal with your insecurities or your selfishness. They're not there to be blamed on for everything that's going dark in your life. No. You have to do that within yourself. Only you can fill that void. No one else.
They're there to bring out the best in you. To add on to your life, in a positive way. Not to grind you down to the ground or have you do that to them. Nope. And if that's what you are experiencing then... it might be time to get the heck out of there. Because we are meant to enrich each other's lives. Not tear them down.
It's meaningless to attempt to fill that void with women you don't care about. Find a different way to fill that void, find a passion, find a friend, but meaningless relationships will not, and will never fill such voids and in turn, will create a new void for you to fill. I do not think you are ready for a relationship at all. As well, I do think that when you do find the right woman, you will slowly be able to get yourself to let your guard down, but you have not been able to find that woman yet maybe because you have not met her or maybe because you hurt her cheating. Either way, you need to stop treating people and women this way. It will not fill your void and it will not make you feel better. In turn, figure yourself out, go talk to someone, throw yourself into something that gives you fulfillment.
Okay by trying not to get hurt, you're actually hurting all those girls you cheated on and deceived. You need to either be a polygamist (where the girls don't mind you being in a relationship with others girls) or you need to man up. Don't treat people that way because its not okay.
And yeah maybe you don't want to end up like your parents but if you don't try then you'll just be lonely. Maybe you just aren't ready for a relationship yet.