I got involved in a long distance relationship & really loved this guy because he seemed very genuine, sweet & loyal. Our relationship went on for about 8 months tho it was very hard for me & I had second thoughts about leaving him because I couldn't handle the distance, but he was always there to help me hold on to our relationship, we contacted each other every single day & we made frequent visits to see each other. Till one day I finally decided to move in with him after our 8 months, it was a big choice but I was so certain he was the perfect boyfriend for me. Things were going smooth/great & we were happy. I've been living with him for over 4-5 months now & during those months, things between us became a lil more distant & he has developed a more aggressive personality which I thought was normal & was from the lack of sleep (since he works nightshifts). I really think he doesn't care for me & doesn't really love me because I've seen so much proof to it now.. Like one time I had a stomach virus & started vomitting in the shopping centre's carpark, instead of rubbing my back & helping me he stood at least 2 metres away from me due to embarrasment. & another time when I was feeling really sick & couldn't go to sleep I kept moving around in bed & he didnt even care, he was more worried of not getting enough sleep before he goes to work, he got real aggresive & said I was disturbing his sleep & told me to hurry up & fall asleep already. Also another time I just lost my virginity to him, & after the sex I had pain in my bladder & I bled after I urinated so I was concerned with myself & wanted a check up with a doctor to see if I had an infection or anything, but he just got angry and said I was fine & that the pain will go away & it was probably only happening because it was my first time. I believed him knowing that he's experienced so I thought it was just a normal thing after first time sex. I've come to realised that he's being selfish, he doesnt care about me nor my feelings, would rather spend time with his friends then me, & easily gets angry & annoyed if I confront him. When he gets angry he usually verbally abuses me calling me names & saying hurtful things to me, he lowers my self-esteem & always points out my imperfections. Every fight that we have, he seems to make it as though it's my fault, & gets his way most of the time.. it's real hurtful to know that he doesn't care about me yet I'm still with him. Most of the time I forgive & forget, knowing that things will be better the following day.. He knows I love him & care for him & I'm starting to think that he's taking advantage of that but I hope not.. I'm an emotional person so I get hurt real easily. it's been quite hard for me since I've moved I don't really have anyone to turn to because I hardly know anyone here that I could trust & talk to.. I still have hope that he could change, he's still a loyal boyfriend to me, I don't think he's cheating on me or anything & he always tell me he loves me but I dont know if I could believe anything that comes out of his mouth anymore because he doesn't take his word or promises seriously. I don't regret moving in with him because then I wouldn't have seen this side to him & he's still a loving boyfriend to me sometimes, there are some days when he makes me happy but most of the time I'm hurting but then again I do sort of regret moving in with him because of the sacrifices I've done for him & making him my no.1 priority when I know for a fact that he doesn't make me his no.1 priority.. I'm real confused right now & don't know what to do, should I just keep going with my relationship or should I do something about it? or am I just overreacting? please reply.
The basic qualities of a healthy, loving relationship are>respect, trust ,honesty, fairness, equality, and good communication.
The key to a healthy relationship is communication...you can be happy, sad, angry, joyful, you can own all these feelings but what you do with them can make or break a relationship. If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it may be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you. Someone who's not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner.
In a relationship, two people should be constantly growing...together...they should be sharing ideas, hopes dreams...the hope is that you grow parallel and not apart...and everyone needs his or her own space...You need to set higher standards of what you want in a bf, because this isnt someone that is going to bring out the best in you whatsoever. If anything, you will start feeling like you actually deserve someone like this. After being with an abuser (verbal, and emotional) for a long period of time you could start Isolating yourself from others - develop a low/lower Self-Esteem - Depression - Emotional problems - , and Illness. This is NOT a healthy situation to be in.
The truth of the matter is...someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, compassionless w/someone who has given their love to, is so self absorbed in self hate that he is incapable of loving himself much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love!
People who love you will treat you w/respect, consideration, courtesy, honesty, and compassion. The sooner you wake up to the fact that the relationship is unhealthy, and move on, the sooner your life will improve!
Good Luck!
Dear jtm, I think after you wrote your question you probably realized that this is not the man for you. You see what we see written in your own words. It says you are being abused, it says that he isn't who you thought he was, it says that you are scared, it says that you want to get out but need someone to say "yes" you're right he isn't the man for you. So I'm sure everyone who answers you will say he isn't the man for you and you need to leave. I am all for internet relationships but you do not get to know someone until you are able to experience the stressful times with them in person. You did the right thing about not getting married right away...some actually do that...so you have no legal obligation here. IF you have no place to turn go to the woman's shelter there they will either put you up or find a way of getting you back to your hometown. Sue...good luck
Sorry for the long read, i wanted to get everything off my chest that day & Thanks so much for your advice i really needed them. I'll try sit him down & talk to him about it, if things between us don't improve. I'll see what it's like for a few more months, it's hard to just get up and leave especially if you still love them. But i was thinking of moving back in with my family next year anyway. Well thanks again. Much appreciated.
Julie =)
Dear JTM There is no excuse for a man hitting a woman. Period.
It will only get worse. Muster up what little self worth you have left and get the heck out of there. Do not go back untill after he has had at least a few sessions with an anger management group. If you can't go home to mother there are battered womans shelters in almost every major city, Good Luck Goino
