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Engagement situation

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Well.. I am not sure how I should be feeling right now! I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now! We have been living together for about 1-½ years and things are wonderful! I have been with him since he lost it all... the car, the place, all of his money... he soon later moved in with a roommate! I helped him get back on his feet and after a year in a half he moved out of his roommates place and moved in with me! We started with a car we shared, a recliner, and a mattress in a haunted OLD farmhouse in the middle of nowhere! No TV, and at one point no hot water or electric! Now we have a nice little apartment which is so cute and cozy, we both have cars.. I mean they aren’t the best, but they drive, and we are very happy! He said he wanted to marry me after a year, and I said NOOO.. too soon.. Now it’s almost 3 years, and I do want to marry him! I LOVE him, he is like my best friend, we know each other so well, and we have taught each other so much, and grew together not only as individuals, but as a couple!!!

Well his sister is getting married now, she knew the guy for 2 weeks, and they got engaged, which I am very happy for them, but now it is a year later and she is getting the dress, the hall, and everything else that you need to get/do for a wedding! But in a way I am jealous b/c I want that! I am her maid of honor, and I am helping her out with everything, and the other day I seen her in her dress, and she looked so beautiful, and I got upset thinking, why cant I be her! I don’t really have many people to talk to around here, I am in a different state from my family, and my family is Italian, and they are very traditional, so of course they are putting the pressure on b/c we are living together!

The whole thing about the engagement is I don’t want to have just any ring, I want it to be special, and different! The one I picked is very expensive, but I don’t want a big wedding, and we have been though so much, I mean I know I am worth it, but everyone is like pick a cheaper ring out and maybe he will ask you to marry him! But I don’t want just another ring….this may sound corny and stupid to spend so much, but I am very happy with the one I have picked out! Right now we don’t have much money, we are kind of living paycheck to paycheck, b/c we have so much debt from struggling for a while! We were talking about it the other day, and I realized that maybe I just wont get the ring or be married like I imagined, and I feel guilty b/c I want that so bad, and I didn’t realize how much pressure I have been putting on him regarding the ring! I told him I don’t want the ring anymore, and he should worry about it, when the time is right I will have it, but I felt like I was lying to myself when I said it, and he feels guilty b/c he can tell I am not happy regarding that and he wants me to be HAPPY! I am happy with him, but VERY upset about the whole engagement situation! I want a small intimate wedding, but the ring I will be wearing for the rest of my life, so I want that to be something extra special!! Should I be feeling guilty, jealous, or any of the other feelings I have towards this situation!!!

P.S.- please think before you type, I want some serious advice, not “well just get a cheaper ring,” or “well your stupid for wanting something so expensive,” This is about how I am feeling towards the whole situation, I feel like no one has felt the way I do, and if anyone has some GOOD advice, please feel free to let me know! Thank you for reading my mile long question/essay, lol!