What are some of the best jokes you have ever heard?
Here are some funny wife and husband jokes:
WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .
there was a nun that flagged down a taxi. The nun hopped in the back seat and they continued driver. Further down the road the nun noticed in the rearview mirror that the taxi driver kept staring at her. She looked at him and said "I noticed that you keep looking at me, is something the problem?" he look at her and said "no, sorry nothing is wrong" they continued to drive yet again he kept looking at her so
Once again she asked if something was wrong or if something was bothering him. He said "nothing is wrong sister, but you see I have always wanted to kiss a nun" she said "well I have two rules before I kiss anyone. You have to be single and you have to be catholic" he looked at her and replyed "well perfect! I'm a single catholic". They pull over and she gives him a great big kiss. They keep driving and again she notices that he a looking at her she says "I see you keep looking at me, is something wrong?" he said "well sister... I have sinned... I am married and Jewish" the nun said "well... That's okay, my names kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party". Hahahaha.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
some of my favorite jokes are the "heres your sign" jokes by bill engvil.
"I was on a plane, you know one of those small ones that go to remote places. and when we got to the run way, I kid you not, there was a deer. we hit the deer and it took out the engine. everyone had to be escorted off the plane. and you know how they usually have the small little slides. well they said the plane was small enough you can just jump off. well I had to call my wife and tell her. I said 'honey you will never believe this. our plane just hit a deer'. and there was a pause and she said, ' oh my gosh were you on the ground?' heres your sign"
I'm not sure if its the BEST one but its pretty funny!
its how did the gum cross the road?
and the answer is...
the chicken stepped on it!
do u get it!
bill engvill joke.. here is your sighn...
so a guy walks up to the aiport person and said hey you lost my luggage and the ladie goes sir has your flight landed he goes no princess this is just an out of body expirence... yes my flight landed... here is your sighn
My nephew likes this one:
I saw a guy at the store having sex with a dog