Am I THAT desperate?

Ok so me and my boyfriend (ex) we havent always seen eye to eye, he has anger issues and I have bipolar which really pisses him off more when I get depressed, we have been out 3 times, the first time was the best, then he txt me about 2 weeks later sayin its over, then a day a later he said he was stupid and wants to get bck so we did, a week later he dumped me again by txt, I said to myself rite if he asks again its a no he ruined his chances and thats it but I was stupid and begged for him bck (worst thing I cud have ever done) he said sure and we were going out for about a day again, he wasnt showing much affection for me, like wud only say I love you when I said it and stuff, and he wud always say f* me, I think he only liked it when I said hell yes, but playing and he was also playing and I can tell when he’s serious or not, but yah anywayz I removed him from my msn name and put single and then he got really pissed off with me, I only really did that because I didnt want my frends or my because to know I was going bck out with him, they don’t like him that much, and yah he then said wuts with your name? well don’t change it because now you are, I was gutted and blamed myself for everything, I really didnt mean to hurt him like I did, if only I told him why I did that, but instead I told him why later on, we became frends again, him still being a bit ify with me, and then suddenly we started fighting again and now all we have been doing is fighting constantly and I keep cryin etc. I keep sayin im sorry when I shudnt but I feel guilty bout it all the time and I want to make up with him but he refuses, what should I do? its too hard to forget about him? he told me to kill myself and my graves waiting for me, surely its obvious his not rite for me but yet I still love him and want him back, there is seriously summin wrong with me, am I just desperate the fact im now single again?