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Why do I feel this way?

I am in love with my moms boyfriend. Well it’s practically my mom, I’ve known her and the family since I was little. About a year into me knowing them she started dating a guy, Jake. He is ten years older than me. He is the only person I have ever met that can make me smile when I’m sad and will take off his hoodie to let me wear it just because I say I’m cold and even though there are a million other hoodies in the next room. I know that his feelings for me are mutual, at least I think they are. He sends me mixed signals a lot. I love him with all my heart and no, it’s not just a crush. I’m old enough to know the difference. He has cheated on my ‘mom’ several times before. He comes to me with all his problems and I am the one he turns to in his times of need. Our relationship is so much stronger than what his and my ‘moms’ will ever be, on an emotional level anyways. We have made out while he touched my breasts before but I felt so guilty the next day I didn’t even want to get up out of bed. I did get up though but I know he felt just as guilty because he did stay in bed all day. We both enjoyed the cuddling while it was happening because we had longed to be close for ten long years and finally were able to. But after the fact, the guilt was just tearing us apart. We eventually got over the guilt but now pretend it had never happened. Up until that one night of passion we had never done anything physically besides hugging or an affectionate peck on the cheek. Because we haven’t talked about it, I am now more confused than ever. I love my ‘mom’ and the whole family and know that if anyone ever found out about our feelings for each other or anything that it would be the end of our relationship. I hate keeping secrets and just feel terrible doing things that I know would hurt her if she ever found out. But I find myself only ever thinking about him, about the next time I will get to see him again. I am so confused and have no idea what to do. I have known these people for ten years and they’re like family. I’m only sixteen so running away together is not an option lol And please don’t mention anything about my age because I am a very mature person and have been through a lot in my life so far so I know the difference between right and wrong and between a crush and love. I am just very confused on what to do. I know what I want but know I can’t have everything. Family and the guy. Any advice on any of this would be very helpful…

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Answer #1

It’s always sadly amusing when someone can profess to be a ‘’very mature person’’ in the same breath that they confess to making out with with their mother’s boyfriend.

No, you are not a very mature person. You are a very childish person.You are a very juvenile person. No one on earth would ever – EVER – confuse you, by your actions, to being a mature person. One of the hallmarks of maturity is being able to restrain yourself from gratifying your own desires when you know someone else would be hurt from it. One of the hallmarks of maturity is respecting someone else’s relationship even though you are so so SO, like, totally sure that they would be better off with you. One of the hallmarks of maturity is not giving in to sexual desire just because you can get away with it.

You are also not old enough to know what love is if this is what you classify as love. If you looked up ‘’crush’’ in the dictionary, you would find a description of your feelings towards this guy. You had one paragraph to convince us that your love for him was real, and you used ‘’he gave me a hoodie’’ as a selling point. That is such a juvenile idea of what love should be. Love is not ‘’he’s nice to me.’’ Love is not ‘’We are able to carry on a conversation.’’ Love is not ‘’We have fun making out.’’ If those are the only qualifications, I’d be in love with half the people on the planet. You have a crush. no more, no less. And a crush on a pedophile.

Answer #2

I think you are playing with fire…I have been in your position minus the fact it is your mothers boyfriend. I had an affair with a married man when I was 19 and I fell madly in love with him and it was a magical time in my life, BUT when his wife found out I was the one left standing alone in the dark. He sent me an email saying she knew, it was over and it was a while before I ever heard from him again. I didn’t think much about her or her feelings until she found out.. then I felt like a homewrecker and that’s pretty much what I had done. BUT it was not entirely my fault, he pursued me, he told me he loved me first, but I am not entirely innocent either, I knew he was married and I let him get in my heart anyway…I just don’t want you to be naieve, because I was and still am very mature for my age and I believe you are mature enough to carry on a relationship with an older man…but I think you should look at the consequences and think would she ever forgive you? Probably not, and she may even stay with him which would make it a lot harder or he could go to jail for rape because of your age whether you give consent or not. I don’t really know what else to say…it’s hard loving someone, but love has nothing to do with it, you can love someone with everything inside you but that does not make them the right person for you…I think you should end everything with him before you get hurt or ruin your relationship with your mother.

Answer #3

I only have a short possibly painful answer to give you. HE’S NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. He’s using you. If he loved you he would respect you. He wouldn’t be making out with you while you both know he’s in a relationship with someone else. Think about this. Say you two somehow manage to get into a real relationship. This is a guy who has cheated continually. A guy who doesn’t have the balls to do the right thing. A guy who cowers in bed all day after he has done something wrong. All else aside you can do SOOO much better. Get away from him now!

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Victoria Milan

Victoria Milan