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Whats your thoughts on this little poem

As I fall asleep my mind drifts off

I dream that everything is perfect

That Life is fair and you are there

As I start to feel your arms around me

Our lips are about to touch

I awake never to finish my thought

That in this moment I forgot

It was only a dream

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Answer #1

I was thrown off by the sentence structure - I think it decreases the clarity. not enough feeling/passion. Try revising when you are in a more ‘intense’ state of mind.

Answer #2

what do you think of this one .

Strangers we once were

Friends we became

Laughs and smiled seemed endless

With your arms around me

My heart began to melt

I couldn’t believe how warm I felt

One special moment a new life made

Instead of sharing in the joy we went our own ways

Months passed with no words exchanged

Until the day our world would change

Held in my arms a baby so sweet

All I could do was think of me and you

Trying to be friends again life just didn’t work

Screaming and fighting we went opposite ways

Finding comfort in another we seemed to go astray

Years began to go by and relationships started to fade

Seperated for so long yet all it took was a kiss

We found our way back to bliss

Answer #3

I agree as poetry it lacks something but if you put a beat and rhythm behind the words and try it out as a song it has a little more meat to it.

xox Sika

Answer #4

it nice..I think you could had added a lil bit more feelinsz but thats just my opinion

Answer #5

It’s plain and lacks holding power, but I guess it’s ok.

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