what if my body misses his touch but mentally I hate him?

Ok, from 3 to my 13th birthday I was sexualy abused. My dad said I was a bad girl and would spank me (note I never met my mom) he love it when I cried and my brothers laughed with him, they would film it in the living room and sell it but always kept a spare for there amusment. At the age of 5 my body some how responded to him spanking me, so I would moan and squeel, now when he found out about this he told the boys to leave the living room so he could talk to me. At first he just smiled and said you better not squeel like that again or your gonna turn daddy all the way on dont make me punish you more. So I tried my hardest not to but id always let one squeel out. and he’d throw me on the couch and my so called perverted brothers would lick me up. Now at the age of 6 I knew all about sex and masterbating ect. My dad now turned the living room into a sex chamber. As I woke up each morning at 5 am my dad would ever so kindly feed me his own personally made glass of cum right out of his penis into the cup. After that he’d throw me tomy bros and theyd toy with me but at the age of 7 my dad gave me a present ill never forget. we went into the living room and striped me down he told my bros to “warm me up” while started masterbating soon dad and my bros were cuming on methey started to play with my boobs while my dad had sex with me. Now at the age of 9, I get sex everyday. at age 12 I started becoming really sick and would thank dad that I get my sex I needed, whitch is 3 times a day. breaky and lunch were my bros and dinner was dad. The house was scattered with playboy and sex toys. The day before my 13th birthday my dad said he bought me a cake for tomorrow but if I wanted it I have to give him my vagina so I did thats when he “did it to” me it was like rape I almost died that day and when he was done he said the only reason I never stoped harrasing you was becuase you were a bad girl and your body responded to me. on my 13th birthday I was taken away by childprotection agentcys and I am still .