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What do you think of my story opening?
This wasn’t where I wanted to be. Standing frozen next to the smashed window, the hollow moonlight casting a horrific glow on a sprawled body in the garden beneath a destroyed balcony. “You’ll be next,” he had said to me after thrusting the golden haired girl out the window and into the penetrating darkness; I sank to my wobbling knees dreading to know my future. Just then, two strangers burst into the room, eyes wide and cursing, demanding to know if I was all right and what had happened. The question dragged me into unconsciousness and I was there again.
tnx its for a short story competition but it can only be 30 lines, bit short.
You use “and” a lot, even when it’s not needed. …”thrusting the golden haired girl out the window into the penetrating darkness”
Use something else other than “said”. How did her say it? Perhaps use growled, snarled, yelled, exclaimed. Or perhaps “He exclaimed with such ferocity, I sank to my wobbling knees in dread of knowing my fate” perhaps instead of “in dread to know my fate” perhaps “in dread of my horrific fate to come”
Instead of “Just then” you could use Suddenly.
It seems good for a start. Though I’ld suggest revision, you could make it sound better 1_~
It’s a touch heavy on the adjectives.
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