[BEFORE you Read I just wanna say B honest whats really wrong with it? And it does contain cursing but I used a(n) X to block it out,and SORRY ITS SOOO LONG lol!!!]
"See My Story don't start off with once upon a time, I'm gon keep it 100, I wasn't always raised on the streets I had a roof over my head, cloths on my back and food.?...Oh that southern style was on the table every night, Cause that's how we did it where I come from. But I know you like who is this cat and why is S/he just rambling on ... lets get to the basics. I'm Quadavis but everybody call me Quad, Young Q, Saint, or just Q ... So if you step to me on some Quadavis sxit, trust I will knock yo block off . Now I'm all off topic yo, Sxit!!."
"Aye Quad!! Quad yo, get down here NOW!!" I laid down my note pad down and ran downstairs, only to see the one woman that could straighten this hood nigxa boy out.
"Hey Ma, what you screaming for?"
"Boy, you know how to use correct English...try it sometime." I gave her a hug and gave her my pearly white million dollar smile.
"I'm sorry mama, so what's the big deal why you yellin?"
"Quadavis Saint Powell, what in the hxll is this and don't say grass?!" She said holding up a bag of weed.
"Um, I'll take grass for two-hundred." I joked, her face got red, and her hand connected with my face, causing a loud slapping sound.
"Dayyuumm Quad ... what you do this time?" It was my sister Queen, standing there laughing at a nigxa.
"Queen, gon' somewhere, and Quad if you don't want to get slapped AGAIN I'd advise you to tell me where this weed came...I looked down in shame and embarrsment ... NOW!!!"
"Okay Ma, I don't know, you know me better than that... Maybe that shiii...Stuff ... belong to Quin, did you ask him?" I rose one eyebrow My mother took a deep breath and stuck the weed back in her pocket.
"Get out of my face Quadavis, go get ya brother."
"Yes mam," I said still holding on to my face.
"What Nigxa?" he said listening to his music.
"Ma want you and she mad as Hxll too."
"What did I do? A(n) why yo face red?"
"tell ya lata, you know yo face gon be the same way if you don't get down there." He hoped off the bed, threw his ipod on the bed and brushed past me, I walked back into my room and grabbed my notebook and continued to write.
"NOW, where was I? Yeah ya'll got me all off topic an sxit. Right so I'm Quad, I'm 16 I got a bro name Quin and a sis name Queen who aint no where near that, she 16 too and my other half my twin, and Quin he 18, and still got a dream of being a Dope boy rapper, but me see I'm a smart dope boy with ah education, people always ask why I'm selling when I could be going to college or sum sxit like that, I just tell em, it my life I will do as I choose ... but for now these are my..." "Memoirs Of A Dope Boy."
"Yo, Quad ...Quad you ready to go?" I turned my attention away from my writing and looked up to see my brother towering over me with a giant red mark on the right side of his face. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Aye, Quin ... What happen to yo face?"
"You know what happen, get up Ma kicked me out for the night, go with me to Chaundra house."
"Is Mika gon be there, if so I don't wanna see her ... Not after what she did to a nigxa." I said throwing some cloths into my nike duffle bag with force.
"Nah, she not gon be there come on."
"I'll meet you downstairs." Quin threw his hands up and walked out the room, I sat down and continued to write.
"So, It was 2006 when our world was turned around. Me and Quin was standing on the corner of Macecove and 27th, that was our block, where we did all the hustling and where the change exchange went down."
"So ya'll really leaving again huh?" My sister Queen, she always hated when me and Quin left, of fear we wouldn't come back,
"Queen come here, you know we gon' be back, just gotta let ma cool down, she know what me and Quin do, its all good." I reassured her. She smiled and sat down on the bed next to me.
"Quad, I don't want you to got... I ts the 3rd time this month ya'll left or got kicked out Quin can go but you my twin, my big brotha my---"
"QUAD!! Lets go." Quin said busting in the room.
"Okay dam, I'll see you lata Queen, Keep ma happy iight?"
"Yo, lil Saint what you got for me today, you got some blow? Some coke? I need somethen." The junkie said scratching his neck and jumping up and down.
"Yo, calm yo junkie crack a$s down ... you got my money?"
"Yeah, See!!" he pulled two 20 dollar bills out his ragady, brown trench coat.
"iight, here aye next time I want double."
"Okay saint double." The junkie ran off into the corner and started to sniff the white powder, without even preparing it, falling right into a drug coma. I walked outside the dope house, and down the street.
"Saint, aye Saint!!"
"Yo, what up Rio?" I slapped my good friends hand.
"Yo, the streets is watchin." he said with glazed eyes.
"fxck is you talkin bout Rio?" I rose one eyebrow, and continued to walk down the street.
"Did you hear me nigxa the streets, they watchiin, that man in the blue with the silver co-signer on his chest, they lurkin man." I knew he was high as a kite, probably smoking what he was supposed to be sellin.
"So you sayin the streets is watchin, but who they watchin?" Rio stopped dead in his tracks.
"Brah, they watchin us, the money maker."
Let me tell you now, Rio was two years new to the dope games we played in Brooklyn, cus you see he was from the south, everything was different about his method of dealing ...Let me break it down. Up here we sell less blow for more dough and down south, the more people you sell one Kilo to, the more money you get. Most people up here didn't like the way Rio did business, but he continued to do it his way.
"Yo, your country a$s need to stop smoking the sxit you supposed to be selling."
"Aye, I can smoke whateva the fxck I want, I bring that that sxit in to the Brook, from Tennessee, so its my blow, my kush, my rock you got that saint?"
"Nigxa who the fxck is you raising yo voice at?" I said stopping at looking at him, my fist clinched into a ball.
"I'm just sayin---" Rio stopped again, this time looking forward.
"Dam, this nigxa dun went into shock or sum like that...Yo, Rio...Ri---"
"I told you, the streets is watchin," he motioned his head to the black hummer h2 with tented windows, rolling up to the corner.
"fxck you been Quad?" the person in the truck yelled out the window. I looked up and saw my cousin, my heart rate began to slow down, and Rio started to relax.
"I been around Trey, fxck you been?"
"Get In!!" he said plain and simple. We got into the hummer and his wheels peeled off the pavement, DMX-lord give me a sign was blasting on Hot 97.
"Yo, Quad...Rio where ya'll headed?"
Welll...? Is It Too Country..a lot of people said that...?
This is all good advice. When an idiom is obscure to those unfamiliar with the dialect, introduce it in a way that lets the context make the meaning decipherable.
One disagreement: While the narrative voice should avoid the informalities of dialogue, it should remain consistent with the spoken dialect, not "standardized." But it's very important to fix all the errors of grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. (again, consistent with the dialect, not "standard" English).
In a few paragraphs, you have laid out a dense network of personal and social relationships among interesting and appealing characters. You've got me hooked! (so to speak, lol)
1. too country? I don't think so.
2. Fix most of the grammar problems, of course. I mean, except for the dialogue parts, that's how people speak. But when he's narrating, I would keep it in Standardized American English.
3. I like it. The last line of the prologue really kept me reading.
4. And now I'm really interested in Rio and Quad and what they're about to get into. lol
5. This line baffled me: "I'm gon keep it 100" what does that mean? Like Quad's gonna keep it 100% real with his readers?
6. I kinda want some more details. Like his neighborhood, the clothes he wears. Subtle details like that.
Hard to believe that a boy who is afraid of his mother would be so tough on the street. Keep it consistent. He should be a real disrespectful bastard to his mother. And, yes it worked with Forest Gump, but there's no way anyone could stand dialogue like this for an entire book. Paint a picture of the scene, too much talking, not enough description. Characters should reveal their thoughts, drive, feelings, etc. through action, not words.
I agree with the last sentence of this, and strongly disagree with the first three (about his mama).