To break up or not to break up?

I’m so confused, I just don’t know what to do. This is going to be quite long.

I’m 21, and I’ve been with my boyfriend now for nearly 2 years… And things were absolutely great. I believed I was actually in love with him and I felt so special.

Then we moved in together, and it was a downhill spiral from there. He wouldn’t help me out with the bills, would spend all his money on things we didnt need (weed for him, actually…), but I was loving the privacy we had. Eventually I started to feel stressed, as he lost his job and me being a student with only a part time job, I couldn’t afford to pay everything on my own! He acted as if he didnt care, and could get by on student finance and help from his parents alone. I started to just accept the fact that I would never be out of my bank overdraft, and that every student living independently must be the same.

Anyway, as time went on, he would get moody whenever I wanted to go out with my friends. He says the only reason why he did is because he wanted to spend time with me, but I felt all cooped up in the flat and wanted to spend some time to myself, for my own personal space. Eventually, I just didnt feel special or appreciated anymore, and I ended up cheating on him. I felt so horrible, and still haven’t forgiven myself for what I did. He found out, and things have never been the same. I haven’t helped the situation at all by continually lying to him to cover up the truth. The trust we once had is gone, and it’s all my fault.

We broke up last week, but got back together yesterday and worked a lot of things out. I thought things were fine, but now…when I look at him, I just don’t know if I love him anymore. I suggested that we have a break to give us a chance to miss each other again and give me a chance to sort out my issues…but it was only a couple of days. Yesterday, he looked at me and told me how much he loved me. I just felt so bad, I had to give us another chance. But I’m just wondering if I only agreed to because I felt sorry for him loving me so much. You know that feeling you get when you love someone so much and just want to be with them all the time? That feeling is gone. I love him, but I don’t know if I’m IN love with him. I just feel so bad because I’ve been un-faithful and horrible to him, he deserves better. I need advice! What do I do? We’ve still been arguing about money and uggh its driving me insane. I know I ruined this relationship, but should I keep deluding myself? I haven’t been able to be myself in over 3 years, I’ve skipped from one boyfriend to the next in less than a week, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to forget relationships for a long time…

If you’ve reached this far, well done. I’m sorry its so long. Help!