This is going to be tedious, and it seems to me; that it’s the only thing that motivates me. Every now and then there are new axioms, delineations and basic fundamentals of the unwritten rules of love. Like some – I had a childhood of poverty, molestation and divorced parents or is it being told that I am the result of a broken rubber. But I was unsurpassed in my short-comings. I was the best Chess player my country produced for 5 years – Due to a lack of funds, I was saddened to lay an opportunity down to travel to the Spanish Open. I was also unsurpassed in Academics. This was when I lived with my mother.
I moved to live with my father – at first seemed like a glorious opportunity to further my life, seeing as he was wealthy, and that the embarrassments of begging for bread at our local café is all in the past. But it’s but the analogy of most things it seemed: It’s a moment of vanity. My whole life I aspired for love, someone to hold. But a true shy hermit could rarely express, or even have a chance it’s believed.
Someone opened her heart to me; they showed me a family of warmth, a family that loves and dances to Roxette at weddings instead of hitting the bar– I am ashamed to admit – I wanted only one thing. Driven by hormones. Eventually we broke up and she moved on. Living in a life of cliché’s, I cannot get over her. Every now and then I miss her, and then I don’t; with my mind playing tricks on me – but this is normal -
After we broke up, I continued to be insolent to her and do her injustice on a daily basis. I believed it’s the only time she ever felt any hurt, felt any pain. I wanted her to suffer, I don’t know why, perhaps it’s my jealously of her perfect life. Tragically her mother was murdered by burglars; that was also the day I stopped doing her injustice.
It’s been 3 years since we broke up; and it’s not the molestation, the fact that I used to be unsurpassed and is now looked upon like a fool and talked to as a fool – it’s the fact that she hates me. And even in her righteousness (She would never admit) when I enter a room, at the sight of her sigh – my heart breaks. She still perceives me to be insensitive, but tears as I am writing this prove otherwise – playing songs of unrequited love on the piano shows otherwise. But when she sees me; she sees a shell, a brute. Someone that won’t apologize (If she only knew the thousands of letters I have written her and tore up due to pride). And even if so, if I did apologize would I hurt the person that opened their heart to me that I did injustice even more hurt? Would she lie to me as a prude would?
My life has halted for 3 years, and time is not merciful, my value is degrading by time. Does anyone have advice for a fallen angel that aspires to be with someone that hates him? I have lost all motivation for life and sleep 85% of the day. I am also failing all my subjects. >_>
Sadly I am also a logical thinker, and logically what I did, good and bad is relative. Unless defined by a religion and so forth. And its contadicting(Which is impossible).
"Love will motivate your soul, and mind will decide your way; but be careful not to have more love than mind."
Was said to me by the math proffessor. Logically the statement is correct, but sadly; I am a man of theory that fails practise. Advice?
Wow, man i geel for you bro, im a hopeless romantic as well...man you should try to call her or contact her...im talking like beg her to listen to you or come over your house but if she isnt for coming over your house just use the phone let your tears lose dont try to be a hard *** let her know how you are hurting, and how sorry you are and that you truly love her and for her to forgive you, tell her you are willing to do anything for her to take you back...Just let your feelings flow to her man dont be scared to do this b/c you think she might think your weak, true feelings/ love is the only thing that will give you a chance man...and message me sometime man, i will try to help in anyway, i feel for you