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need clarification do I like him?

I’m married to my husband for almost 6 years. I just had a baby 4 months ago and just started a new job after moving in August, 400 miles from our old hometown.

Life has always been tough, at least for me. I’m the only one who works to support the family and oftentimes, I work my regular hours (office job) plus sidejobs (as a promotional model) to make enough money .

I just recently realized that I might have postpartum depression. It’s happened before with the births of my two other children. That’s right–I’m married with 3 young children. I seem to have this problem shortly after giving birth to a new child–I want male companionship from selected men, not only my husband. I find that need a lot more attention and more compliments about good I look or I would feel insecure. In the offices I work, women are very insecure and are often jealous of me. It’s probably bc they think I’m not overweight or have any problems.

My current dilemma is this guy I work with at my office. There are only 4 of us in the group and I am the only girl. Anyway, this guy and I are about the same age and we talk about stuff; I’ve onnly known him since August, after starting the job. He told me he has a girlfriend when we started woking together. I told him I’m married and have 3 children – he didn’t seem to believe me. Anyway, he later said he had to decide if he’s going to continue working at the company or move overseas and basically if he didn’t move, he would probably not have a girlfriend. well, it looks like he’s staying.

I really like my group. I want to build this team the way a team should be so I suggested we have lunch together and invite our spouses/significant others. We went out to lunch once–I paid for his lunch because he said he forgot his wallet at his desk and I didn’t want him to watch me eat. He refused but I said he could pay me bacand nhe said okay. Then he said he’ll treat me next time. Anyway the food was not good–he tossed his there but I mine away the next day at work after tying to finisih it. After the horrible food, I asked him to drive us to get an ice cream cone. I really like ice cream cones. I treated him to one as well.

I think things have gotten a little weird after that day. I think on one Friday, he had an erection while talking to me. I was at the outside of his office and he was sitting. His face started turning red, he stomped his foot, started fidgeting and he turned away from me. I don’t even remember what we were talking about.

in a way, I feel like we are growing fond of each other. I’m feeling guilty because I love my husband and there is no way I would ever leave my husband for this guy or another guy. but I keep thinking about this guy. this is the third time I’ve had feelings like this fo=r a male co-worker and it seems to happen after giving birth. I read that postpartum can last up to one year. Do I really have deep feelings for this guy or is I just hormones? I can’t get his face out of my head. and this only happens with a select few, not with every man I meet.

Just this past Friday, I was being goofy and said I have a twin and seemed really interested. I sjowed him a photo of me (fullly clothed) at one of my promotional jobs. The first thing he saiwas”Wow! what does she do?” I replied, “It’s me. I don’t have a twin. I wish I had one.” Nyway, he became a little red and quickly uninterested in talking to me.

When I was leaving, we exchanged goodbyes and I smiled, just as usual while leaving. Anybody here see what’s going on?

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Answer #1

Well I suppose the erection thing does give it away but he was also probably thinking about his girlfriend. We can’t rule that out. And I think other times, he only shows interest when you give him the opportunity or you lead him on to think that you are somehow interested.

This is all, of course, really a hormonal, and also psychological thing. You love your husband and you will never leave him, and that’s a fact.

From your description, you are a fit, attractive woman. I think that you are overly aware of that, especially when you say that you think women at the offices you work at are jealous of you and insecure in front of you. You somehow let your attractiveness and self-confidence define you, and in your mind, pregnancy and giving birth somehow flaws your perfect idea of yourself. You feel unhappy with yourself and what you have, until you get over that. Perhaps you miss being single and available - when you probably had many advances from many men, and you can happily explore these feelings without any strings. I’m not saying that you were like this, but I am speculating. Maybe I’m wrong, but maybe I’m right.

Postpartum depression can come in the forms of, but not limited to: Sadness, hopelessness, low self-esteem, guilt, sleep disturbances, eating disturbances, inability to be comforted, exhaustion, emptiness, inability to enjoy things one previously enjoyed, social withdrawal, low or no energy, becoming easily frustrated, feeling inadequte in taking care of the baby (or feeling like one cannot take care of the baby), impaired communication in speech and writing, spells of anger towards others, and increased anxiety or panic attacks. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression)

As you can see, you could be in worse forms of PPD. Every one encounters little bouts of insecurity about themselves once in awhile. And I think it’s important for your relationship and your young family that you always communicate with your husband. You can always confide in him with your fears and insecurities. Maybe he can try harder in making you feel attractive again - if you don’t tell him, he’ll never know you felt that way.

It’s not fair to your relationship if you feel the need to have attention from other males while your husband is left out. Besides, leading other guys on for no reason is not really nice. Never be a home wrecker, as you don’t want that happening to yourself. If a guy’s in a relationship, you should never question it and leave it as that, for everyone’s sake.

Answer #2

Thanks for your insight. I have all of the symptoms you’ve written and I thought of running away the other day because I feel as though I have a lot of problems and my husband can’t or won’t listen.

I wasn’t aware of leading anybody on. I don’t have much flirting/dating/leading on experience. I’m nice to everyone at work–guys and gals. Should I be less nice to guys? When exchanging binders at work, he brushed my hands. This happened a few times and sometimes, I thought he intentionally did that. If I get the feeling again that is more than just friendship, what should I do? How should I react so it’s not leading him on? I don’t have many friends–the women are jealous and guys stay away from, especially when they know I’m married. Even with married guys, they are not introducing their wives to me.

But with this guy, there’s really no choice–we work in the same group. He’s temporary but he’s been there longer and more familiar with the clients and cases.

I guess I do have serious issues. I’ve seen a psychiatrist for couple’s counseling a few years ago and the psychiatrist told my husband that I’m the one with severe problems.

Answer #3

Well it’s good to talk about your problems, sometimes you just need to say it out loud or tell it to someone so you can get it out of your head and not bottling it in.

I think although it’s great to be close friends with colleagues at work, if you don’t want any extra attention, you have to know the boundaries and try to keep things friendly, but professional. Leading someone on is when you give someone false hope that there is a chance with you.

I would say that since it might be quite obvious that the guy at work is a little attracted to you, showing him a photo of your ‘twin’, seemed like a bait to get him to express his interest in you (or your likeness). He would have otherwise kept his interest to himself if he didn’t know that you ‘have a twin’ -someone exactly like you- that he could be with instead of you who is out-of-bounds.

need clarification do I like him?

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