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When you speak you think I don't hear you, the harsh words whip me like razors, you ask me to hangout later, I say nothing, you show up at my house and call me baby, I tell you that I can hear you, and while I'm telling you this all I can feel is hate and sadness,I hate you and I feel sorry for you, I'm sorry that you can't understand that I don't want to be near you,I slap you and you cus, my mother hears, and calls the cops,hope you have fun... It's only my 2nd poem on here so I wouldn't be suprised if you said it sucked!
ok well lemme kinda clear it up, this girl is in a relationship and her boyfriend talks bad about her,her askes her to hangout but she doesn't answer and assumes it's ok, he comes over and she tells him that she can hear him when he talks about her, and she slapps him, well then they get in a fist fight and her mom hears and he gets into more trouble because he is bigger and she slapped him but not that hard and he kept beating on her.
ok, the story behind it is a great starting point. but just because the guy says 'lets hang out' doesn't mean your poem need to use those exact words. I think it could be better, so just work on it a bit more. try to use more emoting words and just be creative rather than tell exactly what happened..
for example. tell us what the girl is feeling and thinking rather than what is actually happening..
keep writing!
It doesn't really sound much like a poem.
It sounds more like you're telling a story to a girlfriend or something.
I find that the more beautiful poems of history don't use words like "hang out"
Simply because it would date the poem and lose it's effectiveness once the phrase becomes obsolete
thx and yea I just was thinking that so I thought if I put it a different way it would work better, um well I put a different version as a comment under my old 1 so um I think it is better.
thx...and I just wrote another 1 but that 1 is really short and rimey,is that a word?, so I really don't like it...
its def. better than the first one.. this one has a little something more to it but your not there yet keep trying
I like the first one alott bettter.. mabe a dif choice of words here would make it more nicee
well I'll just tell you that I'm not that good of a poet.
its okayyy
