I need a way out of this ..

I am trying to stay modest. But the pressure and life in general is pushing me down. a lot of people might not notice, because I am always smiling and looking positive that my life is basically going down hill. It all started nine months ago when I lost the love of my life. Btw .. im a lesbian. I was compleatly inlove with her and I still am but she left me. I tried to be optamistic looking at all my choices and picking the right one but im here writting this with no hope left in me. My doctor said I have mild depression meaning I’ve let depression take over my life but still have a chance, my doctor was wrong. I will not take the medications because I feel that im obligated to stay the way I am and survive without taking the easy way out. Im stubborn like that, I guess I get it from my father. I’ve been really depressed latley, causing my whole emotional status to decrease. I’ve been cutting again, I feel so horrid and discusted with myself but I feel that its the only way I wont go insaine. Drugs are another big part of my life not drugs in general but a spacific drug. Weed. I feel like the only way to be happy even if its for just a couple of hours is to smoke weed .. and smoke as much of it as I can. I really need help .. something to look forword too, something that’ll give me some hope for survial. So I signed up for this site hopeing someone could help me. So please, I need your advice. What should I do to not compleatly ruin my life.