How do you like my poem?

Hallelujah! Someone who’s not completely crap at writing! I will not, for all that, only say ‘omg, you’re so good.’ You have a recognizable sense of sound. There are some good alliterative elements and some actually quite brilliant imagery (‘caught in the eye of the sun’). Some quibbles I have with it are the stylisation, which, of course, is such a subjective thing that I won’t even mention the particular instances–phrasing is an individual element, so I’m not going to poke at the small wording choices that, if this were my own work, I would see as errors. My biggest problem: Poetry is metrical writing (yes, even the freest of verse must have rhythm), and after reading this poem out loud twice, I have found exactly none. Well, maybe not none. That’s harsh. There are a few passages where the rhythm seems well thought through, namely, the second and third lines. However, you go from long to short lines that have no binding. I’ve written loads of poetry that uses uneven iambs and even quartered my metre on off lines, but there don’t appear to be any elements of this much thought in this particular piece of writing. Also, for some reason (and this is after the fourth reading) I can’t connect with this piece at all. I don’t know what the concept is. There are some beautiful lines, but I feel like that’s all.