Have i made the right choice?

Well let me start with, I am married to my first and only wife for 23 years. I was 22 and she was 35 when we married. Now we have a 18 year old that we put through private schools for most of her life. I'm 45 now and my wife is 58. Well let me cut to the chase. I found out about 1.5 months ago, that when I was at work, my daughter of 18 years let her boyfriend of 28 sleep in her bed without our knowing and my wife found him in the bed at 2pm that afternoon. Well to say the least, I had a sh*t fit when I got home and lost it. We had a big talk with them and I explained that they had disrespected our home with that move. I let them keep on seeing each other and under the terms I set that he was not allowed to be in my apartment if my wife and I were not home. Well that lasted 2 or 3 weeks as I came home one day early from work and he was sitting on her bed nude! I got pissed and threw him out and told her that was it! I cant believe she did that to me again. Well yesterday I got home and well, my daughter and I got into a verbal fight and she asked me "Please kick me out!" . I said "if you want to go, then go. I will not stop you". My wife freaked out that I have finally done it and she will never forgive me for kicking out my daughter. I feel bad because of it, but I dont know how she will ever learn. We have been good parents and I have my faults. I drink and have used drugs in the house. My daughter smokes pot in the house with my wife and I have once or twice but dont do it any more. I guess that has a lot to do with her respecting the home. I have made a choice to stop all use of drugs from now on as this has gotten out of hand so much. My daughter quit her job and because she had a fight with her workmates and now she up and left the house because of a fight. I feel she likes to run away from issues than deal with them. I have a problem letting a 18 year old tell me how to run my house. She is what I call a slacker. She lost her Passport that we bought her, lost her social security card and has been going to the offices to obtain them again this week. My wife is mad at me because I didn't come in yesterday and tell my daughter how happy I was that she was taking steps to get these documents back. I feel that her smoking pot has led her to this. I dont know if I should call my daughter and ask her to come back as she has really broken my wifes heart. My wife didnt go to work today crying at home. I do love my daughter but feel that this boyfriend has really messed her up in the head. He has a kid with another girl and is not supporting them either. He has issues. I know there are things that I am not covering here but I am not thinking stright now either.

Any advice would be great now.

8 answers

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ANSWER #1 of 8

What your wife is attempting here is jellyfish parenting.

She chooses not to discipline bad behaviour and instead, let your daughter run the show...now, everyone knows that it doesn't work that way. Parents are in charge, not teenagers.

You seem to have a stronger method of parenting - tough love.
It is tough love that will force your daughter to grow up and change her childish ways, not jelly-fishing.

You can't coddle this girl, and your wife is going to have to understand that...if she wants your daughter to have any chance at surviving the real world, she is going to have to get on board with you and work through this with you as a team.

Your daughter will play one against the other to get her way, and if you and your wife can't unite, it will tear you apart.

ANSWER #2 of 8

Thanks for that. I feel my wife is a good mother. She has a 38 year old daughter from her first husband. I am new at this, being my first child. I know this is tough love I just hope that it will sink into my daughters head soon. Last night my wife was awake all night crying and worried if our daughter was fine. She even gave her money to "eat" with so she wouldn't go hungry. I didn't approve of it but didn't say anything to her for doing it. My wifes mother would have done that too. I am to blame as my wife told me "you never throw your daughter out in the street""maybe your son but never your daughter" I dont see any difference between the two.

Well how do I give my moms a choice?
ANSWER #3 of 8

Let me share something with you...

My mother threw me out because I refused to conform to her rules. Yeah - it was tough out there...I had no job, no motivation, no ambitions, but I learned from it.
I finally realized that it was better at home, just following my parents rules and that's what I should have done instead of acting like a spoiled teen who 'knows it all'.

Your daughter will learn too, but you have to stick to your guns. That doesn't mean you should let her starve, by any means, but she needs to learn responsibility and the only way you can teach a rebellious teen is with brute force.

I was angry at my mother for a long time, but once I finally grew up, I realized what she was doing...I have a great relationship with my mom now.

What shall I say, cousin just said she was a lesbian?
ANSWER #4 of 8

She's 18? Isnt it time to let her grow up any ways? I can understand why you have a problem with her having sex under your roof (ok, well not really, but I'll go along with it's your house, so your rules), but she's an adult... Perhaps it is time to stop thinking of her as your little girl who is behaving badly, and as an adult who is making a bid for independence... Take a breath. Where's she going to go without a job? If she does land on her feet and clean up her act, then hey, you've raised someone who can take care of themselves. If she doesnt, and needs to come back home, then you reevaluate how you're going to be living with your adult child... and smoking pot with her probably blurs the lines between parent and child, perhaps you shouldnt do that... but I highly doubt it's the pot that made things this way (believe it or not, you are not entirely to blame)

And girls are supposed to be more vulnerable, your wife is probably picturing someone taking advantage of her, or raping her, or yeah, the imagination does tend to go all over the place. Your daughter is probably not on the streets though...

Adoption, should I get a brother or sister?
ANSWER #5 of 8

You're right to be tough and I understand completely where you're coming from. It sucks how you have to be the bad cop, and so you're often mistaken.

Teenagers are very difficult, and my guess is as good as yours; she's being influenced by her boyfriend. My advice would be to tell your wife that she's been turning the other cheek and not pointing out what is wrong when your daughter does something. That's why she had the guts to bring a guy into the house when you have told her not to. She's not listening anymore and I think it's because of your method of dealing with things.

You've been soft, and you need to tighten down, sit her down and tell her about her mistakes, make sure you are calm. Yelling will only scare someone, and push them into not listening anymore. Point out the mistakes and suggest things or come to an agreement. Either way it's better then being avoided and never speaking again.

How to let my parents know that I wanna make my own choice?
ANSWER #6 of 8

No I dont think she is on the streets. She does have a good head on her. I am deep down really proud of her. I just think that she is at a point in her life that she wants to see what it's like out there. She knows that we love her. But I think that we are going threw now what we should have gone threw at the age of 13 or so. She had some medical problems with her Period that didn't happen till this year after surgery. So I think the "harmones" are kicking in too. At least that is what my wife is telling me.

What is the best choice...
ANSWER #7 of 8

Like others have said, your house, your rules. You are entirely within your rights to lay down the law.

I've learned in numerous cases to never take sides when you hear only one side of the story. One thing I notice is that you are taking your daughter's choices personally. Would your house be any more respected if you daughter met her boyfriend in a cheap motel room instead of her bedroom? Does a house really care?

When I moved in with my girlfriend I knew my parents wouldn't approve so I got a job and cut the purse strings. Neither her nor my parents allowed us to sleep together when we visited so we didn't visit them much. I don't think their intentions were to estrange us but that was the effect.

I'd say that your biggest concern now is that your daughter doesn't get knocked up . Her actions may hurt your feelings now but having a child before she is ready or with an undependable guy could complicate the rest of her life.

I think you should make this less about you and more about her.

Do I have the choice not to see my crazy Dad?
ANSWER #8 of 8

After her surgery the doctors put her on birth control to regulate her cycles. She would have to go to fertility procedures to get "knocked up". I feel that now that she is out of the house and I would think with this boyfriend of hers, that she will soon see how undependable he is very soon. I guess my priority is now to keep my marriage together and support my wife during the next few days and see how long it takes my 18 year old daughter to open her eyes to reality.

How to get my parents to chill about my shopping choices?

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