does anybody have any good funny quotes??

“It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It’s called living.” “The intelligence of the creature known as a crowd, is the square root of the number of people in it.” “They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it’s not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.” “Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree” “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it”

“It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It’s called living.” “The intelligence of the creature known as a crowd, is the square root of the number of people in it.” “They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it’s not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.” “Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree” “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it”

didnt mean to put that in twice, ooopppsss

“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”

“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason, is like administering medicine to the de.ad.

Thomas Paine

when life gives you lemons, make kelaguen.

life is like a bra, sometimes it just leaves ya hanging

life is a B. if it was easy it would be called a $lu+

When life gives you lemons.. ask for salt and tequila ;)

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

• Douglas Adams

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”

• Herm Albright

“Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.”

• Shawn Alexander

“What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?”

• Fred Allen

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

• Woody Allen

“A cynic smells the flowers and then looks for the casket.”

• Anonymous

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.”

• Anonymous

“A man once told me, ‘Cheer up, things could be worse.’ So I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse.”

• Anonymous

“Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?”

• Anonymous

“An answer to that nagging question…………… I let the dogs out.”

• Anonymous

“Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.”

• Anonymous

“Bacteria: the only culture some people have.”

• Anonymous

“Beauregard’s Law: ‘When you’re up to your nose, keep your mouth shut’.”

• Anonymous

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”

• Anonymous

“Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.”

• Anonymous

“Can’t learn about love in a classroom, the dorms maybe…”

• Anonymous

“Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”

• Anonymous

“Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.”

• Anonymous

“Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”

• Anonymous

“Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

• Anonymous

“Guys are like slinkies its always fun to watch them fall down the stairs”

• Anonymous

“Heaven won’t have me and hells afraid I’ll take over!”

• Anonymous

“He’s the cutest, sweetest, nicest, greatest, sexiest, most romantic, most insensitive jerk I’ve ever met.”

• Anonymous

“I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.”

• Anonymous

“I don’t wish him dead. But, should that occur… people die every day, why should he be any different?”

• Anonymous

“I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.”

• Anonymous

“I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.”

• Anonymous

“I told him I loved him and the feelings were mutual…He loved himself too.”

• Anonymous “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hated me. He told me I was being ridi.cu.lous. Everyone hadn’t met me yet”
• Anonymous

“I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.”

• Anonymous

“I’m not guilty, I’m just not innocent.”

• Anonymous

“I’m not smiling at you, I’m trying not to laugh”

• Anonymous

“If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried”

• Anonymous

“If G~d had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.”

• Anonymous

“If guys had their period, they’d probably brag about the size of their tampons.”

• Anonymous

“If only I could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment, without having to accomplish anything.”

• Anonymous

“If they fit one man in the moon, why can’t they fit ‘em all?!”

• Anonymous

“It don’t make much difference what you study, so long as you don’t like it.”

• Anonymous

“It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”

• Anonymous

“It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it!”

• Anonymous

“It’s only funny until someone gets hurt… Then it’s hilarious.”

• Anonymous

“Just because I’m moody doesn’t mean you’re not irritating.”

• Anonymous

“Killing for peace is like f*cking for chastity”

• Anonymous

“Love is Hate. War is Peace. Windows is Stable.”

• Anonymous

“Love your enemies. It really p*sses them off!”

• Anonymous

“Men are proof that women can take a joke.”

• Anonymous

“Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 pm.”

• Anonymous

“Mr. Right’s coming. But he’s in Africa… and he’s walking.”

• Anonymous

“Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool…”

• Anonymous

“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.”

• Anonymous

“One day my prince will come - he just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions!”

• Anonymous

“Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.”

• Anonymous

“People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.”

• Anonymous

“Pride is something we have. Vanity is something others have.”

• Anonymous

“Some artists work in oils, others work with clay. I prefer Jello.”

• Anonymous

“Some people are alive simply because it’s against the law to kill them”

• Anonymous

“Some people are like Slinkies… Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.”

• Anonymous

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide - your absence.”

• Ashleigh Brilliant

“That money talks I don’t deny… I just heard mine yell: Goodbye.”

• Anonymous

“The better I know men the more I admire dogs.”

• Anonymous

“The only fool bigger than the one who thinks he knows it all is the one who argues with him.”

• Anonymous

“There’s not enough hours in the day to do all the bitchin i need to do”

• Anonymous

“To live outside the law, you must be honest.”

• Anonymous

“Those of you who think you’re cute and funny are irritating those of us who really are.”

• Anonymous

“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.”

• Anonymous “We must believe in free will. We have no choice.”
• Anonymous

“When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.”

• Anonymous

“When life has you down and you feel like the whole world is after you, keep your chin up…it gives them something to aim at.”

• Anonymous

“Who laughs last, thinks the slowest.”

• Anonymous

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, didn’t know where to shop.”

• Anonymous

“Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.”

• Anonymous

“You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.”

• Anonymous

“You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for three days.”

• Anonymous

“Your village just called, their missing their idiot!”

• Anonymous

“I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don’t treat me right – shame on you.”

• Louis Armstrong

“Old age is always 15 years older than I am.”

• Bernard Baruch

“You know you’re getting old when your toupee turns gray.”

• Milton Berle

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”

• Hector Berlioz

“Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.”

• Ambrose Bierce ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”

• Elaine Boosler

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.”

• Ashleigh Brilliant

“I’ve developed a new philosophy… I only dread one day at a time.”

• Charlie Brown

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘this is going to take more than one night.’”

• Charlie Brown

“If a person drinks much from a bottle marked poison, it’s almost certain to disagree with one sooner or later.”

• Lewis Carroll ‘Alice in Wonderland’

“Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when co-workers ask us about our weekend. ‘I had a great time with…THEM.’ Great, now they don’t think you’re quer, just a big slt!”

• Judy Carter

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”

• D*ck Cavett

“The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.”

• William Clayton

“None are so fond of secrets as those who do not mean to keep them.”

• C.C. Colton

“Gossip is that which no one claims to like - but everybody enjoys.”

• Joseph Conrad

“That sl*t! When she dies they’ll have to bury her in a Y-shaped coffin!”

• Bette Davis

“The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.”

• Dizzy Dean

“My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.”

• Benjamin Disraeali

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity” Albert Einstein

“I’m into golf now. I’m getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs.”

• Bob Ettinger

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”

• Bob Ettinger

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

• W. C. Fields

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.”

• Robert Frost

“Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.”

• Robert C. Gallagher

“A hospital is no place to be sick.”

• Samuel Goldwyn

“Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.”

• Jason Hutchison

“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you Mad.”

• Aldous Huxley

“I wanted to memorize his face so I could avoid him for the rest of my life.”

• Michael Jensen ‘Frontiers’

“Alimony: A system wherein two people make a mistake and one of them keeps on paying for it.”

• Peggy Joyce

“I think bad taste should be a f*lony.”

• Margo Kaufman

“Guilt is a great motivator.”

• Jonathon Kellerman ‘Bad Love’

“I simply like guns because you can’t shoot people without them.”

• Florence King

“I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn’t explain away afterwards.”

• Rudyard Kipling

“Atlas isn’t carrying the world on his shoulders, no giant muscular hulk with a sense of responsibility; the world is balanced on a pyramid of clowns, and they are always tooting horns and wobbling and goosing each other.”

• Dean Koontz ‘Winter Moon’

“Except for professional mannequins and British Prime Ministers, no one ever accomplished anything by standing still.”

• Dean Koontz ‘Icebound’

“You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.”

• Anonymous

“You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for three days.”

• Anonymous

“Your village just called, their missing their idiot!”

• Anonymous

“I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don’t treat me right – shame on you.”

• Louis Armstrong

“Old age is always 15 years older than I am.”

• Bernard Baruch

“You know you’re getting old when your toupee turns gray.”

• Milton Berle

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”

• Hector Berlioz

“Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.”

• Ambrose Bierce ‘The Devil’s Dictionary’

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”

• Elaine Boosler

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.”

• Ashleigh Brilliant

“I’ve developed a new philosophy… I only dread one day at a time.”

• Charlie Brown

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘this is going to take more than one night.’”

• Charlie Brown

“If a person drinks much from a bottle marked poison, it’s almost certain to disagree with one sooner or later.”

• Lewis Carroll ‘Alice in Wonderland’

“Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when co-workers ask us about our weekend. ‘I had a great time with…THEM.’ Great, now they don’t think you’re quer, just a big slt!”

• Judy Carter

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”

• D*ck Cavett

“The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.”

• William Clayton

“None are so fond of secrets as those who do not mean to keep them.”

• C.C. Colton

“Gossip is that which no one claims to like - but everybody enjoys.”

• Joseph Conrad

“That sl*t! When she dies they’ll have to bury her in a Y-shaped coffin!”

• Bette Davis

“The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.”

• Dizzy Dean

“My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.”

• Benjamin Disraeali

“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity” Albert Einstein

“I’m into golf now. I’m getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs.”

• Bob Ettinger

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”

• Bob Ettinger

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

• W. C. Fields

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.”

• Robert Frost

“Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.”

• Robert C. Gallagher

“A hospital is no place to be sick.”

• Samuel Goldwyn

“Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.”

• Jason Hutchison

“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you Mad.”

• Aldous Huxley

“I wanted to memorize his face so I could avoid him for the rest of my life.”

• Michael Jensen ‘Frontiers’

“Alimony: A system wherein two people make a mistake and one of them keeps on paying for it.”

• Peggy Joyce

“I think bad taste should be a f*lony.”

• Margo Kaufman

“Guilt is a great motivator.”

• Jonathon Kellerman ‘Bad Love’

“I simply like guns because you can’t shoot people without them.”

• Florence King

“I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn’t explain away afterwards.”

• Rudyard Kipling

“Atlas isn’t carrying the world on his shoulders, no giant muscular hulk with a sense of responsibility; the world is balanced on a pyramid of clowns, and they are always tooting horns and wobbling and goosing each other.”

• Dean Koontz ‘Winter Moon’

“Except for professional mannequins and British Prime Ministers, no one ever accomplished anything by standing still.”

• Dean Koontz ‘Icebound’