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Doubts about engagement

I am engaged. I’ve been having a lot of doubts about marrying my fiance lately (we are both in our early 30’s). He is inattentive to me, we always do what he wants to do, we always hang out with his family ALL THE TIME, my family doesn’t matter much. Everything is always about him. Getting him to spend time with me is like pulling teeth. I try to put my foot down lately, but its not working. I am the one who puts all the effort into this relationship and it seems like its been that way from the start. I do the special little things for him, like bringing him coffee at work, flowers, cards, emails….I never get anything like that back. He’s extremely cheap when it comes to me and I’ve also heard him make comments to family and friends that my parents “are loaded”.

I’m tired of always doing things for him and showing up at his family functions and I never get anything in return. It feels like a one-sided relationship. I’m also scared of bringing up all this stuff cuz I think he runs to his Mom everytime something happens.

He’s unreliable, always late, inconsiderate of my feelings, pays more attention to his family than he does me. The wedding is only a few months away and I don’t know what to do.

We both have the same upbringing, religion…so that is all fine. I’ve been asking myself lately why I love him. I know I love him, but I couldn’t tell you why.

I try not to phone him and try to get him to make an effort but nothing works…it seems if I try to distance myself from him so that he misses me, it doesn’t seem to phase him.

I don’t want to end the relationship, cuz I do love him, but I need to do something cuz I don’t want to be with someone if they aren’t totally into me. He is the type of guy who does need his space, and I know that. But I’d like him to know that I do exist.

I can’t talk to my mom about it cuz she pretty much tells me to just take it. I know I am oversensitive at times, but I don’t know what to do. He can just be a real ass sometimes.

Do I tell him I am having doubts about marrying him?

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Answer #1

I honestly try - I told him I don’t think I’m a priority….and he always picks his family over me…I know its a gradual thing to make that switch - to make me a priority over his family..and I’m trying to be understanding. I just wish he treated me like he treats his family….he’s a little too close to his mom and i think he tells her everything which I don’t like because it makes me hesitate to really tell him what I feel. I do talk to my parents too but I’ve stopped that (basically cuz my mom tells me to just take it)….

We are both stressed out right now cuz we’ve both got things on the go and we basically just spent almost 2 weeks with his family…and I showed up more than he did. I know I need to talk to him —why is that so hard?

Anyways….I”m confused and tired….I’m hanging out with my sister tonite going shopping for the wedding…maybe that will ease my tension a little.

Answer #2

It would be better to get these issues sorted out before the wedding because postporning a wedding is better then getting a divorce. If his family is a priority now, it will always be a priority. Obviously he is extremely close to them and I don’t think this will ever change. This is something that you will have to accept though it is also possible to negociate with him the time you spend with them and what is your own personal stuff. Also if he isn’t giving you attention now when the relationship is just fresh and new, imagine in a few years down the road… If the guy isn’t making you feel special enough to marry then why is he marrying you? The way you explain it you are just going to get more and more frustrated. You really got to talk to him. It’s scary talking about it because you have so many dreams together and to talk about it makes you feel like they will all disapear. But in the end, if you don’t sort this out, those dreams will never be more then dreams because you’ll end up frustrated, angry, sad and lonely inside this relationship. In an ideal world you would tell him word for word what you have told us so that he understands that if he is willing to aknowledge your needs then he has a true possibility of forever loosing you.

Answer #3

i would tell him to his face to get his act together and pay more attention.but then he could be really stressed get him on the sofa and tell him u love him and give him a kiss and tell him not to worry it should work

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