Deceptive family

I’m going with everyone else, stay away for a while, let things calm down. When you do talk to them, try not to attack your ex or them, that wont help. Just calmly talk to them with “I” words, “I felt” “I was” etc etc. Dont argue with them (I know you’re hurt and probably pretty mad at them, but accusing them of betraying you isnt going to help, avoiding using), just tell them that you understand that that was how he felt, and how they must feel after hearing what he said, but you felt differently and you saw things differently, and you hope that they can hear your side so they get a whole picture before coming to a conclusion. Try doing this one on one, too many people and things get heated and people start yelling… Divide and conquer might be a better strategy here…

Courtesy of my psy 417 class When there is an argument, don’t focus on who started it. (This is linear thinking) Don’t focus on who is to blame for a problem. (This is linear thinking.) Do focus on the contribution you are making to the circular dance because that is the only thing you have control over (The Law of Control). For example, are you trying to attribute blame or trying to determine who started an argument? Does the other person know where you stand? Are you being aggressive instead of assertive? Don’t try to change the other person’s behavior or feelings. For example, Don’t say, “ Don’t feel that way, or you shouldn’t feel that way.” That is, validate his/her emotions; don’t invalidate them by saying the emotions s/he is experiencing are wrong. No emotion is right or wrong. Do make sure that you know where you stand; be clear about your own needs, desires, responsibilities, thoughts and emotions (called Cognitive Clarification). Do set limits (boundaries) on the behaviors you will tolerate (e.g., You will not tolerate abusive, insulting language.) Do make sure the other person knows where you stand but communicate your view in a civil, polite way. It’s not necessary to insult the other person (That is, use “I message,” not “You messages.”). Use active listening (non-reactive listening). That is, talk “to” each other, not “at” each other. The idea is to hear the other person’s message without judging it or leaping to conclusions. Acknowledge the other person’s view without necessarily agreeing. (This is called agreeing to disagree.). When negotiating it is important not to be adversarial, as would occur in a court of law. Remember that it is not just your goals that are important, but the goals of your significant other. The well-being of your partner should be as important to you as your own well-being. Often times both individuals are angry because their goals are in conflict. Ask the question, for example, how important is your goal to you and how important is the goal of your significant other to him/her.

Good luck! I’m sorry you’re going through this, cant be too much fun :(