How can I help my 17-year-old daughter?

Since you are a high schooler yourself, perhaps you can help me. My daughter is 17, a high school senior who also attends college. Not to brag, but she is a very smart, pretty, kind hearted girl. She has been dating a boy her age but not much else in common with each other. He is barely making it in high school, in fact unless he takes extra classes he will not graduate this year. He doesn’t have his license, stays up til all hours of the night playing video poker, misses class because he’s too tired, he just has NO ambition whatsoever. If my daughter isn’t calling him to wake him up for something, she’s driving to his house to wake him up. She drives him to and from school and work. ACH! Help! My daughter and I have a pretty good relationship but she does not like to hear anything negative about her boyfriend. I don’t want to wreck our relationship, but I wish she would see that he is going nowhere in a big hurry. Actually, not even in a hurry - he’s late for everything. Any suggestions? Thanks.

Answer #1

You got some great answers to your question. I agree with most, and I just wanted to add something. I’m now a well adjusted 26 y.o., and when I was younger, I dated a lot of ‘going nowhere’ kind of guys. I also had a great relationship with my mother. When she would forbid me not to see them, it would enrage me and give me a sense that I needed to stick up for the guy because no one else would. Then, one time my mother sat down and told me why she didn’t like this particular boy, but she knew I liked him, and she said she would support my decision to keep seeing him, she just wanted me to know her concerns. After that, I couldn’t be serious about our relationship because I needed to be with someone who got along with my family. I realized I couldn’t love someone if my mother and father didn’t. It just took gentle guidance, but everyone id right that she needs to realize it on her own.

Answer #2

Sorry to burst your bubble, but in a situation like this, there is nooo way to get through to her no matter how good your relationship is with her. The same thing happened to me a few years back before I met the boyfriend i’ve been with for 2 years. My ex was lazy, nomotivation whatsoever, and when my parents told me not to see him, I saw him more, when they told me I wasn’t allowed at his house, I took off for weeks at a time. Then, I woke up… and she will too. Just give her some space, as long as he isnt interfering with her school, and job(if she works), then it will be okay.. Either, she’s get over him and get on with her life, or hey, maybe she’ll change him, maybe he’ll want to be a better person for her. But she has to figure it out on her own.. The more you nag at her, you’ll just push her further and further away, and she’ll go to him. If you don’t want that, then just leave it and see where it goes. But chances are she’ll see clearly probably sooner than later, just like I did!

Answer #3

You said you have a pretty good relationship with your daughter. Sit down with her and start the conversation with all the things you like about her boyfriend. Things like, “I’m so very happy about how good he makes you feel about yourself.” “I’m so glad that you found each other.” Then slowly work into the concerns you have for her and for him. Talk to your daughter from the perspective of being concerned for the boyfriend. That you want him to succeed as much as you want your daughter to succeed. If you come down on her with just the negative side of the boyfriend, you’ll push her away and right to him. Talk to her about how you want to see them together and how you want the boyfriend to better himself to keep up with your daughter and things will start to sort themselves out.

If you get through to her, she’ll try to help the boyfriend better himself. When he blows her off or starts fails to change, your daughter will start to see things from your perspective and dump him.

You can’t walk the path for her, you can only show her the way.

Answer #4

ok what my mom did to make my sister that is a lot like your daughter stop dating a as hole she went to a friend that had a 18 year old boy and invited him and her over for dinner after dinner my sis stared to talk to him and now they have been going out for a year and are happie.

Answer #5

Now that sounds like me in the 10th grade except she never called to wake me up. Well you can tell her he’s no good for her as you have been doing but there is no real answer to your question because once someone truely loves someone it’s not an easy or considerable tast for those people.

Answer #6

just ask her flat out the “way things are going in your realtionship, do u think that you will be doing this in the future and do u think he will change?”

Answer #7

I’m 27. My parents felt the same way about my “love of my life” at 16. At 17 I became pregnant. He left and hasn’t see the kid in 8 years, but this is a different story, but I wanted to add that so I can tell you my perspective of it all. By you objecting, your daughter may become angry at you, and instead of pushing them apart, they will just become closer. Unfortch. your daughter has to learn from her own mistakes. I know thats not what you want to hear- but I remember being 17 and being told that he was no good for me and that made me just want to prove them wrong all together. Tell your daughter that she has so much going for her, but it is her life. Tell her you think that he is dragging her down, but it is her life to live as she chooses. then leave it at that

Answer #8

Maybe she had sex with him, that always makes girls feel like they h ave to hold on to them at this day and age generation. (id know) Being just a little bit older than your daughter, I think I could help. Tell her your there to talk, and that you really know she deserves better. Remind her how wonderful she is, thats all you can really do. She’ll find out she’s way better then he is eventually. Just remind her, no matter what has or will happen, there are way more fish in the sea and that she can do anything. And remind her not to tie herself down. :)

Answer #9

Dear concerned mom. I agree with goran to a point. That being, I would hope that you can point out to her all that she has going on in her own life. Her looks, and her brains. How her future is very promicing. How blessed she is. Yes even to have you as her mom caring what she does with what God has given her. Try to steer clear of the negative things (the bf) and encourage her toward what is better.
Good Luck Gino

Answer #10

I mean she’s basicly an adult she’s going to have 2 learn how 2 deal with things like this and as her mother yes I know your concerned but this is her life not yours and I know you want the best for her but she’s going to have 2 learn on her own that he’s a bum

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