This guide will teach you on how to become a ferocious fat-eating predator. No carrots were harmed in the making of this post.
Biologists tell us that hamsters belong to the subfamily Cricetinae, which includes 18 various species. They lie. In fact, one species is kept secret—Syberian hamster.
The cruelest animal on the planet Earth, Syberian hamster lives in the taiga and subsists almost entirely on bears. If it sounds implausible, then you've never seen a grizzly shaking in a primordial fear. The shaggy boy is meaty and fat, and the hamster knows it.
—“Come here Mishka” (that’s how the hamster calls a bear), —"I won’t hurt you". Mishka knows it’s a lie. He is doomed.
Let's face it—you're not as half as brutal as that Russian carnivordent (this happens when you attach a rodent to where it doesn't belong). But you’re also not one of those cowardly nocturnal gnawers who remain underground in the wild.
That’s why you gotta spin your own wheel. You gotta find your own Mishka.
Luckily, it’s much easier in captivity. Whoever’s heard of Christopher Robin knows that bears make friends with piglets. What a coincidence, I’ve just met a piglet in a grocery store, generously cut and chopped in various pieces.
Looks like you’ve found your bear. Of course, you can always stick to his cluckin` cousin.
You might not know it, but Joker’s famous laughter sounds so cringey because deep inside he is always crying. He’ll always be the number two villain, and he can’t un-cry these tears.
The big bad, the ultimate nemesis, the arch-bitch of Gotham is a loaf of bread. Likewise to Brutus, it pretends to be your friend. Stuffed with glucose and hatred, this mealy mofo has a vast arsenal of ways to destroy your ketosis.
Act in advance and crush your enemies before they strike. Toss away pasta and noodles, get rid of pancakes, throw out tortillas and buns, and sweep away all crumbs.
Lock wheat away from your heart and hide the key.
“My liege, our treasuries are empty” is something you wouldn’t want to hear on one fine Sunday morning, especially if you live on your own.
But I’m not speaking about your foreign-exchange reserves, no. I’m speaking of your kitchen cabinets, where you keep your another-night-bidge stores: cookies, cereals, chocolate, donuts, a jar of Nutella, and that tiny little 12-inch Christmas lolly.
Throw them out, or give them away to the neighbor you hate the most. BTW, since you’ll be emptying your cabinets, get rid of rice, beans, and basically everything that has carbs. From now on, carbs are banned in your house.
Sneak along the prairies of Wal-Mart until you reach the meat section. Grab the fattest pork chop and head over to the cheese counter. Look around to make sure everybody sees you, seize a couple of Parmesan circles, and roll them over to the fruit and vegetable display. Take a couple of avocados, a pack of broccoli, some cucumbers, and everything else that is green and has no carbs. Steal a few egg cartons, some butter, three packets of bacon, and a piece of salmon.
Tip: when you steal things, make sure to pay money for them.
From now on you celebrate fats. You use butter to fry a steak and toss in a piece of bacon into every salad. Caesar is now sans croutons, and pasta is now sans… pasta.
Since today you’re a hunter. No keto prey can escape you. You’re now officially a keto beast.
P.S. Hunting your prey, don’t forget your credit card.
Being a keto beast means you can’t just barrel into a fast food joint to dine out. You have to track the best of the best to pick out the juiciest dish.
Luckily, ravenous fellow keto beasts have already done that and created a hub where you can pick out a spot you want and explore its keto options.
Eating out on keto is now so freaking easy, especially for a predator like you!