Not "theres so much going on" crazy, like legitamitly psychologically unstable. Borderline sociopathic, bipolar (with fleeting manic states, and lingering depressive episodes), and split personality/schizophrenic (definitly two different competing factors, each of which has as manny facets, if not more -seriouslyhow would i know?- as a regular person).... I can only say any of this because this is the first time I have been back in a long time, and I have always been a "smart girl" who "is aware of whats happening, the good and the bad". Like while my brain has taken over for a while now, if been dragged behind it forced to silently watch as I manipulate people and situations and as those series of manipulation break down, watch my life spiral out of control and be trapped as my brain goes into overdrive to try to 'fix everything'. Apparently my body can't keep up to my brain, the stress of my brain having control has been really hurting me physically. Im on the verge of developing ulcers (according to the doctor), i had to be prescribed migrain medicine (which the last time I actually had control I took myself off of, and am still fighting not to get addicted to it- somehow it lets my brain work faster, which scares me, and makes it so the consequences of my actions are irrelivant), did not sleep AT ALL for 3 days last week, and am in physical pain for seemingly no reason. It feels like waking up and looking around me and inside of me and wondering "What happened? How did I do this?". Last night was the first time I figured out how to set my brain off into overdrive and get control again. I want help, I need help, but I dont know where to go. And I know as soon as I loose control again to my brain my other half whatever you want to call it, I wont be able to get help. It wont let me, it wants to be in control and has no remorse, no second thought about hurting me or killing me if it feels that that is what needs to happen. which really scares me. I want to be just me again. I want help. How do I get it?
the thing is we cant afford it, at all and I tried explaining this to my mom last night, when I first came back but she is just mad, she doesnt believe me.... she thinks im deliberately lying to her about how much school work I got done when first of all, it isnt me, its my brain/other half/the reason i feel completely crazy, and second i didnt lie, i said i got some of it done, because thats true i have been working on it but compared to how much i have to do, its never enough to make my parents happy anymore, and in all honesty, im trying my best but its hard fighting myself over everything I know what I have to do and what I should do in most situations, but when the other half takes over it has a wholeeeee different set of priorities that half...its more focused on manipulating people and finding ways aroudn things or to make things "better" without actually doing the work or making changes.... its like its all a big game, and so far there have not been real consequences for setbacks in the gameplan, just do this that and the other thing then BOOM everything is thinking "wow she cannot catch a break can she?" they feel sorry, i turn that setback into a new tactic of delay or a way to get the upperhand. how or why? I couldnt tell ya. And you know how i said both halves have facets like an individual? well im pretty sure this half is split too. because its all about the end game, having a gameplan to get what it wants overall. but then when im out "having fun" or "taking a break" it shuts off and its all about the shortgame, no long term, what do i think will make me 'happy' now, today. and none of it matters because that half can improve like a champ. like I (actually me) will have noooo idea how it came up with something or made everything somehow work out... and only now am i beginning to wonder if its working on stuff/plans/ideas I dont consciously know abotu. even though it scares me, i still recognize its insane capabilities which is probabily why im scared.
And that got really off topic... but my mom thinks im lying my dad wont even have a civil conversation with me about anything, so there is no way i can talk to him about this
and the bad thing is, if anyone trys to talk about this stuff when im not me, when im the other half, then either nothing is wrong and there is no way they could prove anything is wrong (noo its too good at covering that) or it fakes vulernerability and opens a new train of deception so everything thinks something is wrong at a parrallel and theyll never think to look deeper because "she is telling us whats wrong... theres nothing else she could be hiding". they.have.no.idea and when it is me, of course i dont want to admit something is this wrong but this me cant lie, i cant hide this stuff, i dont want to because there is no help if noone knows but i do want it to go away so i think for once in my life i need to swallow my pride, suck it up and ask for help but at this point, there is noone there to help, noone that can help, and i dont know how to admit all of this in the real world, where it matters, because i know it will make me crazier, the other half will do anything to cover this, and once it gets out it will not be easy so i am ready to get help and know i need it but once the other half takes over that wont really be an option
Getting a third party involved that understands your situation and can intervene with your parents to help them understand ...such as the teacher you mention can help you. Secondly, if your family is unable to afford professional costs for your care.... Because you are a minor, just about all states today have low income state assist funding (Insurance) available to parents with children and for the care of a child. In Wisconsin they call it Badgercare other states may call it something else. But the care covers both medical and emotional care services. I know much has been discussed about the emotional aspects but it is also possible that these symptoms you are having could be caused by allergic reaction to diet. Not all allergic reactions come in the form of rashes, etc...Some will mess with the chemicals in your brain. My son when he was very young was extreme hyper and stuttered. "The boy just ain't right" was something I heard from everybody. He slept little and basically was bouncing off the walls as soon as his feet hit the ground. I took him to his doctor who finally gave up on what to do and recommended he see doctors at Children's Memorial Hospital. After a few visits it was determined he was highly sensitive to sugar. I had to throw out just about everything with sugar in it and cook from scratch. He went even crazier for 2-3 weeks (withdrawl) but then started to calm down and the stuttering disappeared. Although he's much older now and can eat sugar he still says if he eats too much of it he feels antsy and anxious. His daughter too, although not as severe as he was, reacts like she's drunk when she eats large concentrations of sugar, like a candy bar or cakes with frosting. Her younger sister (not my sons daughter) was having violent/angry burst episodes (for no reason and she didn't know why she would become so angry) this started when she was 4. And in her case it was found foods with gluten trigger it. Not saying this is true in your case but from the anxiety and behavioral disorders and thinking process it may be severe reaction to something in your diet. Which medically can be determined and an easy fix.
can i just say thank you, like genuinely. this is the first time someone has actually told me its okay to feel free and there is nothing wrong with being happy by my own standards there are 2, maybe 3 people I can be as crazy as i want with. do whatever i want, any whim is freely persued I took off sprinting on an adventure through the woods, danced in the pouring rain, while eating lunch stopped and turned to a holahoop on the ground and yelled "YOU FOUL HOOP!" then continued as if nothing happened, had a Glee moment in a store in times square (litterally starting singing at the top of my lungs and dancing dramaticly as i went up the down escalator until my friend just went with it),i decided to temporarily employ myself at one of the horror walk throughs and chase the group ahead of me through a series of blacked out maze/hallways (then never found out it was me XD ), I will howl like a wolf just because I can, random singing/dancing, i say what i want and do what i want but only around those 2 or 3 people where i know there are no consequences.... and it feels AMAZING. that freedom. just being happy and capable of doing anything. i loveeeee it. thats why everything shuts off and once i start its all about instant gratification, not caring what people think, and letting myself go what you said made me realize something, if i can let go with them, why cant i just do it all the time? clearly that stuff is not that high on my crazy meter lol, but why limit myself based on the expectations and norms of others? that sounds realllllllyyyyyyy fun and no lie i kinda want to try it
TIME TO EXPERIMENT!!!!!! i think ill try to keep it to the regular "oh ahah shes crazy" before i let all the real crazy loose
but mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm IM excited :D
I hated the world when I was 15. I hated myself. I hated what I posed as. I hated what I was. And what people wanted me to be. So I decided to go insane. I started in private. I went outside during thunderstorms and tried to shout down the thunder. Stuff like that. But it felt good and at some point of time I refused to hide it. I cried my eyes out over a sad poem at school and I laughed my *ss off about dumb jokes or even funny words. I did weird and insane stuff just because I felt like it. Like walking on my hands. Or completely panicking when it rained and shouting "AAAAHRG DIHYDROGENMONOXIDE IN THE RAIN! IT IS POISONOUS!" . Just anything I felt like. I went kinda Emo before it was modern. I completely kicked all pretend-to-be-normal standards and just freaked out when I felt like freaking out. After a week, I had completely ruined all reputation I ever had at my school and I could do whatever I liked. And folks just shrugged. After about two months, it sort of lost the thrill and I gradually went back normal. But extremely relaxed normal. I could still shout "WOO-HOOO! Look it's a stone!!! A stone!!!" when I found a beautiful stone on the schoolyard. And no one ever bothered. Or rather I didn't care whether anyone bothered.
It's something that validates consideration and your mom may be more accepting because there is case upon case where diet and a certain allergic reaction to an ingredient, is the source culprit of such unexplained emotional thinking and behaviors.
The ingredients in the things you have eaten and are currently eating may now be in higher doses and hidden in the fine print of what makes up whatever you eat. So I wouldn't discount that what you were feeling before, may not have been a result of smaller doses of the same ingredient or fall into the same chemical makeup. It could be anything, a food dye, sugars, bleached flower, sodium, gluten, etc. I should retract the statement that it is an easy fix. It is that if it is easily identified but some ingredients are not as simple. Start keeping a diary of date and times of what your eating and list the ingredient makeup. This will help you and the doctor to determine what they should be rulling out.
Confusion is good. As Eris is the Goddes of confusion and we believe in her. But yes and no, some Discordians call Discordianism a complicated joke in the guise of a religion. Others call it a religion in the guise of a complicated joke. To me it's kind of like a life philosophy with a winking eye. I do consider myself a religious Discordian most of the time. But I am atheist on Fridays. And yes, the Principia Discordia is a book that some madman/prophet/guy published some day in the 1950ies. The original editions circulation volume was a few dozen, made on a private printer. But there is no copyright on the content and a lot of people made their own edition. I ordered one on amazon. There is also a quite popular fiction book that quotes the Principia. It's "Illuminatus" by Robert Shea and Robert A. Wilson. But that one is pretty confusing to read. I think the authors were on drügs.
Mindfulness meditation works for me. The website Palouse Mindfulness has a free course on it, backed with psychologists and professionals with it also. If you look for the benefits of meditation online, it ranges from relaxation, longer life span, increased memory, compassion and even more. I suggest you try it.
For a practice for beginner's, whenever you feel like your mind is racing, focus on your breath and its rise and fall. Don't try to change it, at least not yet. Just focus on it, so you can distract yourself from your mind. If you want something more engaging, notice the different things in your physical environment with all your 5 senses instead of panicking.
The idea of meditation is that increased focus allows you to focus on what is good and what you really need to do. So each time you're anxious? Focus on your breath.
0.0 last night I explained all of this to my boyfriend.... today whatever part of me i am is fighting so hard to say that none of it ever happened
i knew this would happen, i am only certain it did because i wrote it down as we were talking and he remembers it
but after, i switched into a facet i havent been in since the beginning of my relationship with him and at one point i said something, im not exactly sure what, but something along the lines of "(creepy little giggle) I never found this one/had this one of me until i found you" dead silence, chills down my spine, i didnt say that, but i heard the words come out of my mouth, it was like 2am but suddenly eyes wide open and i feel like i got dropped into my own personal horror movie. i have never been soo "Holy cr@p, what did that just say?!!" im still shaken by it
Rotten sheep of evil, not meaning to come off dense or offensive, but im well more than a little confused. Is this an actual book published somewhere? And is Discordia, or the discordian socety (i really have no idea what to call it, basically the idea encompased in that work of writing) an actual religion? because im entirely confused, yet completely entralled by it i feel like, taken lightly it could be a means of pleasent distraction and smirking amusement but if read into, could be viewed with as much religious connection/power/teachings or whatever as the bible....
not trying to insult anyone here but to say the least im confused but interested lol
hahah I feel like im suppossed to be confused and right now it seems more like an outlook on life that can be used as a religion... but i probabily only say that because im not really a religious person never have been well i definitly like some of the ideas (i havent read it all so i cant say all of them :P ) and its definitly got my interest and hey, ive been looking for some sort of religion :) but I want to look into it more before i start talking about Eris and Her Apple Corps and whatnot because this is the first i have even heard of Discordianism and Im sure not too many people around my area (if any) are Discordians or even know what that means
there is one teacher I can talk to... ahah and she even happens to be the psych teacher she was the first person to pick up that anything was wrong with me i just dont know how to get through another school day before being able to talk to her... because i know that I will be gone before I see her, the other half will have taken over and I wont get help or ill make up a fake problem or tell her some little stuff that is irrelivant (its happened before)
i hope ill be able to admit whats wrong, and who knows she might be able to recommend someone to go see im just scared, because anything in a school has a habit of getting out
I suppossed to be talking to the psych teacher today (my choice) and guidance (set up by mom -_- ) guidance cant do anything plus i feel really uncomfortable there, they are part of the problem and the reason im like this i feel comfortable telling the psych teacher, but i know right now im fighting the other half of me by the end of the day I wont be me anymore and i will just establish a parrallel and she wont find out should I print out what I have been writing (not just from here, when i was me I tried to explain it in writing) and bring it to show her in case I dont find words to say it?
wow, this possibility was never even considered come to think of it, I wasnt doing great before, but since i've had to change what I eat because of my stomach (i think i mentioned it.. im on the verge of developing ulcers and if i hadnt changed what i was doing and gone on meds i probabily would develope them soon) now i can only eat bland foods (basically white foods) i felt crazy before, but i wasnt acting as badly, like i wouldnt be having problems with sleep for example.
So this probabily isn't the cause but it might have been whats been making things worse
Are you really 16 as your profile says? 1) Ask your parents to take you to a doctor. Tell him about it - let yourself be send to a neurologist or a psychologist. Soon.
2) The doctor will probably recommend you what to do with your life. There are medications that relieve the stress. If you are really going bi-polar, there are medications that will help to settle you down. You may need to take a break.
3) Try to remove as many dates from your calendar as possible. Try to reduce the amount of things that you are responsible for. Try to find time to relax.
The thing is... you don't have to live up to other folks expectations. You have to make your life so that you are happy with it. And if being you stresses you out. That is probably because you can't really be you. Because you adapt to what you think other people expect from you. Smash other peoples expectations. And then pick what you want to be. And go for it. You're living that life for yourself. Not for others. You can still be successful in life. But, define what you want the success to look like. Set your own goals. Do not let others set them for you.
[Ugh...rewritng a brief version of my vanished comment {:^P ] Yes! If you leave a copy with her, other people are likely to see it, too, so think about whether that's ok with you or not. If it is, great; if not, just let her read it and then get it back from her. One other suggestion, if you think you could do this: Agree on a signal with her that you can give her next time she's around when you find yourself in the "altered state" you've described, so she can see what that looks like and maybe talk with you while you're in it.
Hmmm... I feel rather bad about this advice but... if you feel like doing something really crazy maybe you could just... do it. I mean as long as it isn't harmful. I mean, if you feel like sitting in a corner staring out of the window, crying and not reacting to anything until they come and carry you off. Why not just do it? That sort of stuff. The more you pretend to be all right the less people will believe that you are not all right. Just don't do anything dangerous, OK?
If yoou just quit taking "it all" too seriously, you are already sort of Discordian. Whether you want to consider yourself discordian now or not is completely your decision. And if you do, it is still completely your decision whether you tell anyone or not. You do not have to be member at any church or anything. Me, for example, I have my own church. And I am leader and sole member thereof. Because I decided that it is so. Just have un with it. :)
Thats actually really good advice for as bizarre as it sounds. Thats probabily the most useful thing I have heard on my quest across the internet.... because honestly i dont want to do anything dangerous... its always been more of self sabatoge then ever self harm (not suicidal somehow lol) who knows, maybe letting some of the instability out migt=ht help it go away too... it just cant seem like an act...
Bethany, you've expressed your frustration here about people not taking seriously your attempts to describe your inner experience and feelings of going crazy. If, as a result of doing what you and Astrid have just discussed, you get some serious "uh-oh, I think she might be mentally ill" response, welcome it! Freedom to act as you imagine is good; freedom from inner torment is also good.
In that food diary, is it important to keep track of how much of each food you eat, like portion sizes? Because Im really used to eating whatever i want whenever i want... Well now that they changed what im allowed to eat its basically whatever i want (that im allowed to and we have in the house) whenever i want (even though i can never tell when im hungry or not anymore) lol
It would be a good idea to add as much information as you can. Or you can call your doctors office explaining that your trying to rule out if some of your problems could be a result of adverse reaction to something your eating and how would they recommend you chart it?
i do need professional help but my parents dont believe and we cant afford it at all the teachers and guidance at school dont think anythings wrong except that im overwhelmed with work
noone sees that there is actually a problem and i dont know how to get help
yeahhh i dont think i could leave a copy with her... but i kinda dont want to be there when she reads it... hmm ill have to figure that out
and a signal might be a good idea, but sometimes i might not be able to do it... i literally dont have control sometimes
You need to get yourself some professional help. Yea, school's a lot to do. But it doesn't get better by collecting and piling problems. If you have burn-out you will need to slow down, maybe even repeat a year. But it may be better that way.
Thats great, i love the idea of an easy and flexable and fun religion! I am not going to just have my own church, i will have my own denomination..... Bethanilian Discordianism... sounds legit. BOOM! converted! Let the choas commence :D
yes i am really 16, unfortunately feels like 16 going on 60 from the way my body is and my minds going but yup, still a child and slowing down isnt an option, going the speed im at right now isnt even anywhere near good enough
That's the spirit. Be yourself. No matter what they say. :D Play. May I just give you this here to read... http://funadvice.com/r/15kir9t6kdd I don't mean to be a missionary, but I found truth in it and maybe so will you. :)
Tell one of your parents. Print out what you just wrote and let them read it. Any parent that would get something like that from their child to read will be doing their best to find the best help available.
I should also mention while your keeping a diary of what your eating. Get intune with yourself after you eat something to journal any significant mood/feelings your experiencing after eating that food.
Yes! If you leave a copy of it with her, other people may see it too, so think about whether that's ok with you or not. If it is, great; if not, just let her read it and then get it back from her.
I went insane once. I felt that it was actually very relaxing. I mean, really, all we ever do is pretend that we are normal. Even if it kills us. But why would we be so destructive with ourselves?
It may or may not be the source of the problems but if it is...once the doctor can identify it and you eliminate it from your diet ...it could make all the difference in the world. Good luck!!!
Talk to a school person, most likely they will give you a few ideas from where to go from there? Maybe even give you some people that can treat you with out such high costs...
and youre the first one who kinda suggested the idea that its okay to be sorta abnormal/ perhaphs a little insane, and that i should be able to act accordingly....
Normality is, by far, overrated.
COOL!!! Welcome! :D
thanks :)
