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Feedback on this poem?

Basketball Asked by luv2beme 3 months ago, 7 answers.

I wrote this peom a few weeks ago and I've made some chabges on it since then but I was wanting some feedback on it ((and please be honest)) it doesn't have really any meaning:
Tick-Toc theres not much time left. Tick-Tock I've waited too long.
I've waited here for you and now your gone. You come back by to say
goodbye. Tick-Tock there it goes again. There goes another minute, passing by. Drip-Drop drip-drop, split-splat split-splat, there goes my tears. My heart in two, left here to boo. Tick-Tock my time is running
out if you want me back you've got 20 seconds till I drop. Tick-Tock
Tick-Tock not much time left. Leave your excuses behind I've heard
them all before and it takes too much time for you to explain. Tick-Tock 5 more seconds till I drop. Tick-Tock Tick-Tock time is out. I'm
sorry to come by and wasted so much time. But this time I've come
by to say goodbye

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Thunder Robot Answered by funadvice on Apr 24, 2008, 06:07PM

Never ask one's thoughts on what you've created. Not because lies are bound to defeat flattery, but because a creation is not only a construction, it's also a feeling. Of course technique may count, as a style, but in fact there are many sorts of poetry, from naive to mystical. The only real matter is the cact you've given life to void, and that is priceless.

| 1 of 2 thought this was helpful

STAR Answered by smiley_080 on Apr 24, 2008, 06:04PM
| 70 answers.

its pretty good, but it might just need a little more work make 4line stanza an dyou'll see what I mean.

| 0 of 1 thought this was helpful

Answered by nirvanafan on Apr 24, 2008, 06:04PM
| 163 answers.

I liked it! I thought it was good. it's sad, in a confident, I-dont-care-about-you-anymore way. good job!

lozer Answered by lozer0001 on Apr 24, 2008, 06:22PM
| 99 answers.

its good, you just need to work on it a bit maby

Basketball Answered by luv2beme on Apr 24, 2008, 06:31PM
| 134 answers.

I know I need 2 work on it but I just wanted other people points on it..thanks4 answering simley 080 what do you mean??

me Answered by dani92693 on Apr 24, 2008, 07:57PM
| 54 answers.

pretty good but it would be easier to read if they were seperated into different lines

katwoman Answered by katwoman on Apr 24, 2008, 09:23PM
| 644 answers.

Yeah, it doesn't have to rhyme but it needs some rhythm.

I, also, agree that you should make it more uniform by separating sentences.

It would be easier to read & understand.

I don't like all the Tick Tocs & Drip Drops. When I read it without them, it seemed to flow better.

Also, I'm not sure about the count-down (it seems like a threat of some kind even though it may not be)

However, I think there is a story in there.

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