know any real funny jokes??
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it !
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How do you piss off a female archaeologist?? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
How is a woman like a condom? Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your diick.
What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of titts in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do woman have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Women will never be equal to men... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A blonde walked into an appliance store too buy a tv. She said to the salesperson: "I'd like to buy that tv." The salesperson says "sorry, we don't serve blondes". So, she goes home that night and dyes her hair brown. The next day she goes into the store and says to the salesperson 'I'd like to buy this tv" And yet again, the salesperson said "Sorry, we don't serve blondes." So that night, when she went home, she dyed her hair red. The next day, she walked into the store again, and said to the same salesperson "I'd like to buy this tv" The salesperson said "sorry we don't serve blondes" The blonde said "How do you know that I'm a blonde?" And the salesperson said "That's a microwave".
ANOTHER*** Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A: 100. One to make the batter and 99 to crack the shells on the M&Ms.
AND THE LAST ONE
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"
The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and he runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
IF YOU OR ANYONE ELSE WANTS THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY OBITUARY JUST FUNMAIL ME!
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
NO mine are lame you know me not like chris's jokes those were HILARIOUS
ha ha ha ha thats really funny thanks!
I know!!! lol thanks though