What are really funny clean jokes and answers?

Either the second to last or the last Sunday of August the Grand Master of my karate teacher is coming for a seminar. My Sensei (teacher) said that we need to have a joke ready for him because he really loves jokes. If we don't he'll either give us...

push-ups or another person push-ups. So I really needs some jokes. They need to be funny, approprite, and please include the answers. Thank you!
http://www.funadvice.com/ad...

um actually it's Na-cho cheese,ya know like Nachos?

There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh?

Meat

what do you call cheeze thats not yours ?
not-co-cheeze

lol lame I know but some people
like lame jokes such as my self

THE 3 LITTLE PIGS

one evening the 3 little pigs decide that they would like to go out to eat.
so they go to a fancy restaurant, they go in and sit down and after about 10 minutes or so the waitress comes over and asks if they are ready to order.

the first little pig says yes, I would like a salad to start out with as an appetizer
the second pig replies yes, I would like some bread sticks and sauce please
the third little pig says yes, I would like BEER, lots and lots of BEER- a pitcher would be nice to start out with

so the waitress brings out the appetizers and the beer for pig number 3.

a little while later, she returns to the table and asks if they are ready to order the main course.

the first pig says yes- I would like to order the prime rib
pig number 2 says yes- I would like some nice roast beef
the third pig says yes- bring me more beer- lots and lots of beer

the main courses are delivered, the 2 pigs eat their main course and the third pig swills back his beer.

the waitress returns a little bit later to see if they would like anything else.

the first pig says sure- I could go for some key lime pie
the second pig says why yes- I would love some chocolate cake with ice cream on top
the third pig says yes- I would like beer- lots and lots of yummy beer

this response makes the waitress curious, so she says to the third pig you know, your 2 companions there have enjoyed some very tasty appetizers, a very well prepared main course, and now they are wanting to enjoy a nice desert, why are you only ordering beer?

the third pig responds why yes- that is true, they have enjoyed a very nice meal, but you must understand-when we are finished here, ONE OF US NEEDS TO GO WEE WEE WEE ALL THE WAY HOME!

Here are a couple of jokes. Take your pick.

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, I have something I must confess.
There's no need to, his wife replied.
No, he insisted, I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!
I know, I know, she replied. Now just rest and let the poison work.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of MM's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. What's the matter with me? he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, You're not eating properly.

A man took his dog to the vet.
He asked the vet, Help! My dog is cross eyed! Can you do anything?
The vet picked up his dog and looked in it's eyes. After a while, he grunted and said, I am sorry, I'm gonna have to put him down.
WHY! Because he's CROSS EYED???
No! The vet replied He's really heavy, and I am about to drop him!

why did the chicken cross the road?

to rpove to the possum it could be done.

ah ha lame I know