ok so I've been married for four months, had a pretty short relationship before we were married ( like 7 months). Before we were married our sex life was so so.. there was some physical problems that caused sex to "hurt" her and we went to the doc to get treatment. Anyway, she was very sexy and did things like dress up in little costumes and she was very sexy, although our sex sessions were very different, as in one time she would almost be lifeless laying there waiting for me to "get done". On occasion she would be very very very sexy and fun but rarely. As we progressed in our relationship I told her that I was a very sexual man and that it was very important to me. She told me that she was the same and we were a good match. After each bout of sex she would have to sit in the bathtub to stop the pain and I felt absolutly horrid. I felt almost like I had done something wrong and the guilt tore me up. After the medical treatments for a simple infection she said WOW the pain is gone. We had sex three times that week and I my outlook on our relationship was looking up. We soon got married and I have always dreamed of my honeymoon and had high expectations. I was let down like nobodys business. Yes she did the langerie thing and looked amazing but I am a very sexual man and consider my "skills" pretty good. I was looking forward to the oppertunity to "teach" her things about making love and not just having sex. I soon found her laying almost motionless on the bed waiting for me to "finish" again. I kept my chin up and thought "it will get better". Soon after the honeymoon we found out we are pregnant. Out of our entire relationship we had one good week of sex and the rest have been completely miserable. When she "does" decide to have sex its almost as if Im FORCING her to do it. She has no interest in foreplay and jumps right to the sex as fast as she can, does what she has to do and then leaves me laying there like I just got hit by a truck.
This is the worst thing. I do most of our laundry and stuff and when I am doing it she has a lot of older clothes that she doesnt fit into anymore. As I am doing the laundry I constantly come across little sexy panties and cute little sexy outfits that she "used" to wear. I look at these and it almost makes me mad that she used to put all that effort into looking sexy and being sexy and now makes almost NO effort at all, what-so-ever. Yes I understand she is pregant, I understood she had medical stuff going on, I understood school was stressing her out...but come on. Am I supposed to just accept that fact that in a short period of time she has completely changed from a sexy underwear wearing hottie to a granny panty wearing nun. She walks around in front of me naked and smells terrific and It absolutely is torture. I love my wife with all my heart but the lack of affection is "seeping" into all my other life activities. I find myself "griping" at her all the time about the dumbest stuff and I know exactly why I am finding things to be upset about... I am starved for affection. When I try to talk to her about it she blows it off and says things like " go jack off".. This kills me to the core. I miss the woman I fell in love with. I thought that she said she was "a very sexual person". Now she tells me she hates sex, and has always hated sex. I feel almost tricked. I am loving being a daddy and the gain is almost worth the pain.. but how can I go on living my entire life as a celibate monk. She is fine with having sex every couple of months. In my eyes tho the once a couple months of sex would be fine if the sex was genuine and not "forced" I mean really good sex can make a guy last awhile with any...but wham bam thank you maam sex doesnt satisfy me at all what so ever and then she says things like " quit griping I gave you some last week". I dont think she has even "made love" I think all she knows is plain ole get some and get out sex. And the worst thing is she isnt even interested in knowing what making love is about.
I love my wife, I dont want to cheat or have an affair but how does a man go through weeks and weeks of an affection free marrige and still cope with the stresses of bills, jobs, kids and so forth. I am a complex guy and my intimacy and sexualness makes up at least half of who I am. How do I live as only Half a person. This is such a huge problem to me that I have been covering it up and trying to blame it on other things or make up other problems to get my frustration on out. She doesnt understand why I gripe about EVERYTHING because there is literally nothing else wrong. And there is nothing wrong except I am completely emotionally and sexually frustrated and trying to release tension before I explode. I cant talk to her because truth is she doesnt care, She does what she wants when she wants it and even told me the other night that we will have sex when SHE decides and thats why she has the power. I dont want to leave my wife, I love her, but how do I live like this. I feel tricked, abandoned, and ugly... any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance
You are going to have to face these issue head on, or plan for a miserable future with magazines and internet porn.
Before you embark on counselling, which could be a big help but only if you are BOTH interested in saving the marriage, there are a couple of other things you could try to eliminate. Is she maybe mildly allergic to anything you're using - lube, condoms, toys? Are her hormones too low? Will she consider a medical work up? A hormonal supplememnt of testosterone may help. Once she's out of pregnancy of course.
You do have to solve it. But stop feeling guilty and stop feeling like a pig. Your concerns are valid. Sex is a huge part of marriage and the longest lasting marriages are those with a healthy balance of physical and emotional intimacy. If you go through all this and she refuses to get counselling with you, then go yourself. You need to figure out how to live with it or how not to. Good luck!
This is something that only you and her can really talk about. She sounds like she has her own issues regarding "sex", something could have happened to her in the past that is causing these problems. You really should think about going to a sex therapist and rooting through your issues. You can not be in a relationship where you feel guilty when you do have sex, or you feel like the sexual part of the relationship is not making you happy. A healthy relationship requires a sexual side too. Talk to her about how it makes you feel, tell her the truth, and suggest going to a sex therapist. It could save your relationship.
I understand where you're coming from. There are a lot of guys in your boat too. Seriously, talking to a sex therapist will help. Your wife will be able to see your side of the story and you see hers, and this is mediated through a neutral person, so no one's going to feel accused or useless. You're going there to improve what you two have. It can be done and I know that things will be better once both of you understand where you're coming from and put yourself in the other's shoes. Everyone else has pretty much summed up what I was going to say anyway :) Good luck!
I forgot to add that we have a two year old daughter from her previous relationship. She tells me that before she was a mom she was "sexy" and stuff like that. After having her daughter she says that part of her life is over. Shes only 25 years old and it is very hard for me to understand how a beautiful 25 year old woman can change so dramatically in such a short period of time. Do you think it might be a possibility she was sexually abused at some point in time? I have no idea what to think and what to do.
Man we should chat. I have 18 years of this...and trying to figure out where I go from her with 3 kids and he not needing sex.
