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I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 1/2 years. I know he cheated on my about a year ago, but I'm afraid he might be again. How do I make it clear to him I'm not going to stick around if he is?
SuperDave, I have answered her question. Polygamy is the not the only answer, but it is the best one, and the one she needs to save her relationship, which is obviously what she's trying to do.
Have you considered that there are two sides to every story? What about his? Obviously this couple wants to stay together. Polygamy gives them both what they want - him: sexual variety, her: security. With Polygamy, they both win. With divorce / permanent separation, they both lose.
You say Polygamy is disrespectful and degrading to women, but you don't say how. Once again, you equate Polygamy with Adultery, but they are not the same thing. Adultery is when you lie to your partner and sneak around sexually behind their back. Polygamy is about being open and honest and how God made us. Your reference to "husband and wife" is confusing. Who is "they" and whom are "they" being forced in to a monogamous relationship by? A church? If so, which one? Because I know many churches that support polygamy.
You mention Polyandry, so since we are being technical, the only Polygamy I support is Polygyny. It's also the only form that works.
Dave, you're welcome to be as monogamous as you wish, for what ever reasons you wish. You'll find some day that it won't satisfy you though. Monogamy is a cultural thing you and the women around you have been trained to accept since birth. That doesn't make it right. Men are definitely forced to be monogamous in our culture because if they aren't, in to the hoosegow they go. That's force. I've seen friends arrested for practicing polygamy, even though their wife and kids wanted them to. So yeah, as a society, we force men to be monogamous at the point of a gun, and with the threat of jail time if they don't.
70% divorce rate, adultery & prostiitution is legal (and very common) and if you aren't monogamous you're a criminal. Doesn't exactly sound like a healthy society, does it?
And you still haven't answered her question. I guess your answer/ advice on how to make it clear to her boyfriend that she won't stick around if he cheats is : polygamy. Wow what a great way right?
She clearly has intentions to not tolerate his cheating any longer. She said she won't stick around if he does. This tells me she believes her boyfriend should respect her by her being his only one. And you tell her that by sharing her man, it will fix things. Polygamy is disrespectfull to women and degrading. Persons that have divorced on the basis of adultery do so because they feel betrayed by their partner. If I recall, they are pronounced " husband and WIFE" not wifeS" and you tell me that those same persons divorcing over feeling betrayed because they know their partners are taking other persons to bed... can fix their marriage by consenting to the cheating,still knowing their partner is taking others to bed, only this time being there to watch it ? Really? If my girlfriend cheated on me, it would be devastating, but polyandry will NOT make things better. What man wants to share his wife? Atleast not me.
And do not judge all men as not being monogamous. I am monogamous and you cannot tell me otherwise. You used the term "force" men to be monogamous. A little harsh don't you think? I myself do not feel forced to be monogamous. It comes naturall to me, to have one and only one wife and to respect, cherish and truly love her and only her. Not to try and force her to accept the concept of either sharing me, or losing me. That is degrading to any woman right of mind and they deserve more than that.
I called you a name? Lol really? And what name would that be? I merely said that you are living a neanderthal fantasy and you consider it a masive, violent attack lol now that's kindergarden stuff. I wonder what memories in the past this topic brings up for you.
And what hate are you talking about? so according to you, everyone that doesn't agree with you, must clearly hate you right?? Lol learn to accept that even the " mr.know-it-alls" sometimes don't know what they are talking about.
And its ok if YOU can't refute what I said earlier about the married couples. Just don't pretend you didn't understand what I said. Its funny how sometimes people use " technicality" in order to avoid answering or refuting a statement lol Its sad to know you didn't "understand" the term " their." use common sense dude.
And its clear that you are running out of googled refutals because you are changing the subject to me. Stay on topic. I don't hate you. I'm bluntly honest. Polygamy is wrong. :)
Oh boy firemanj, your feeding the fire, something a firman shouldn't do ( no, I'm no mood for jokes, but since you brought it up might as well huh? ) yes I ofcourse I read her question. She asked how to make it clear that she won't tolerate cheating. I asnwered that the only way to make it clear is by not tolerating it. Something YOU didn't asnwer at all. Did YOU read the question? :)
Instead you gave her ideas about about sharing him with another woman, ( typical guy answer ) but I'll give you credit too, yes I agree with you about her getting married. I'm all up for that, but never for consentual adultery. And btw, I'm not trying to sound smart, I'm giving MY advice. Whether I sound smart or dumb, its still my 2 cents. And your advice is YOURS, but sorry mate, I had to call you out on that one. Because like you said, she's a real person that can be affected by what we write on here. btw goodmorning all!
(P.S.) the threat at the end was unnecessary.
Baby, staying with a fella for almost 6 years as nothing more than a girl friend is what is giving your Romeo the green light to cheat.
Why don't you marry him? That would help. But I'm guessing when you bring the subject up, he's going to bail on you. Why buy the cow when you can get free milk, right? You two are having sex, aren't you?
My question for you is, why shouldn't he cheat? He's getting every thing he wants, and you let him off the hook a year ago, so there you go.
Best bet? Marry him, and let him know it's ok if he wants another woman, just has to include you in the process and approval, and she has to come in the relationship for life, none of that fun on the side garbage.
Telling him you'll share him will let you both win. You'll get to keep your man for life, and he won't feel trapped in monogamy, which is what the vast majority of men feel like after they're married, and which is what your man is feeling right now.
Well, superdave1, a personal attack on me. Your idea of helping this woman? No where, not once, do you actually refute what I said, though. Throwing rocks at a fire man when he tries to put out a fire doesn't help put the fire out, now, does it?
Your advice? - "grow a spine and leave". If she'd had the will to do that, she'd have done it already. Did you read her question, I mean really read it? This is a real woman, with a real problem, and your advice is going to have real consequences. Think before you answer, think!
If you were a physician in the real world, this is how your advice above would sound - "Doctor, my finger hurts". "No problem, we'll just cut off the arm". Well, the pain in the finger goes away, but...?
We are here to help these people, to heal them. Not attack each other just to make our selves look smart. Take some time to think about your answers before some one, including you, gets hurt.
All the best...
You still haven't refuted my answer. thehelper and I agree, it's in kjones03 best interests to share her man.
The divorce rate in the industrialized world is nearly 70%, in large part because people like you believe you should just dump people and move on when things get tough, instead of trying to fix the problem. No wonder people can't hold relationships together.
"Consensual adultery" is an oxymoron. How can you commit adultery with some one who belongs to you and no one else? The word you're looking for is Polygamy, and it is hardly a "typical guy answer". If two or more women share their man, and I know many who do, it's more like a "typical girl answer".
Men are not monogamous. It's a fact. If you try to force men to be monogamous, you end up with real adulterers, child molesters, out of wedlock births, STDs and the like. Polygamy fixes all that.
You misread my ending, no threat was intended.
Dave, you really need to look deep inside at what is creating all this bitterness and hate you're throwing at me. If you don't seek some help for it soon, it will eat you up. I'm serious, happy to help if you'll let me.
I continue to use facts to try to help this woman, and all you can do is call me names and insult me. Come on Dave, you're bigger than that. That's what Kindergartners do to each other, not grown adults. I have yet to call you one name. Which of us needs to grow up?
I never said women are desperate. If you can't refute what I say, OK, but don't put words in my mouth. I know many healthy, well adjusted women (who don't resort to name calling) who have chosen Polygamy, and wouldn't have it any way else. Google the word, you can talk to them your self.
Seriously, Dave. Give it some thought, all this anger isn't good. I'm still here to help, happy to.
Hahaha wow.. it took you a full week to reply. Where you hoping I would forget about this topic and you have the last word on this?
Once again, here you are in your neanderthal fantasy life. That's all it is. You get tired of 1 woman, and you get 2. So why wouldn't a polygamyst get tired of having only 2? He will want 3 and 4 and 5 and so on. After all, according to you, the women is desperate enough to allow that. Just grow up. Seriously. You write a lot, yet say little. What makes you think women are so desperate that they would share their partner in order to keep him? Not everything is about sex you know. There is way more to a relationship than a trying to live a neanderthal fantasy.
Smh
Firemanj is full of BS. Don't listen to his.. " sharing with approval" mumbo jumbo. Ichibanarky is right..the only way to make him understand that you won't tolerate it is by leaving him. It can't get any clearer than that. Now, if he comes back to you after you leave him .. its up to you if you take him back.. but just remember that he would have gotten the message that if he screws up again, its over. And the second time should be the final straw.
Just tell him that you will leave him if he is cheating on you. That is the only way to get the point across. Just bring it up in conversation, like say "I can't believe he cheated on her, I can't stand that about people. Why doesn't she just dump him, I would do that if I was her. People shouldn't cheat if they love the person they are with"
Whoops, got cut off.
You misread my ending, no threat was intended. What I meant was I'm actually concerned about you as well as the original poster.
Still wishing you all the best...
The only way you can show him you won't tolerate it, is to not tolerate it.
If he cheats - leave him. There is no clearer signal.
I agree with firemanj
