How to handle being raped in the past?

I was raped by my babysiter and all I cant think of is when he was forsing me to give him oral sex and intercorse and when he touched and licked me down there and forsed me too say how much I enjoyed it and how I asked for it. he also siad that if I told he would kill me and my family. I was 7 years old when he stared and it didnt stop till I was 12 years old and it olny stopped because he died. I no its my fault because I should have told my mother but I was afraid and also it my fault because in an ackward way during to intercorse it somewhat felt good and I also told him I enjoyed it like he forsed me to say. I also cut myself because it helps release the stress and I dont eat and if I do eat I throw up because I feel that thats the olny thing I can control of. also is it bad that I mas*erba*e because he used to forse be but now that hes dead I still do it daily does that mean I crazy.? I also dont see the point iniving anymore and just want to die.

You need to talk to someone right away! You have been a victim of something serious. There are ways to deal with this. Talk to your mother about what happend. As hard as it will be to talk to her, she will help you get the help you need! This is extremely serious! You can find positive ways to deal with this! If you cant talk to your mom, talk to another trusted adult! Good luck!