I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, we have been through a lot together and love each other very much, however he just will not marry me. 2 years ago I asked him to marry me, it was new years eve and a leap year so I decided to do it first. He was reluctant to answer and simply said, "yes but I wanna do it properly, me asking you". so of course I left it at that. 2 years later and im still waiting. Whenever the subject is bought up he shy's away and closes up, I can tell he doesn't want to marry me but is too scared to tell me, maybe he feels he will lose me if he say's no. But he never gives me a reason why im still waiting for him to ask. I have no guven up on this dream now, I feel like I will have to carry on in the relationship and not have any hopes or commitments.
We do not live together at the moment, I am a mature student and want to finish University before moving away from my family and friends to be with him. 2 of my children live with their dad and I have even said I would move in with my boyfriend and travel to and from seeing my children whenever they want to see me, this would mean travelling 140 miles a day if thats as often as my kids want to see me. I am willing to do this because I love him and want a lifew with him, he seems happy about it, yet he still doesnt want to commit. I feel as though I am giving up my whole life just to be with him but he hasn't given up a single thing.
He is a kind, gentle man, he has never cheated and is the type of man every woman would like to be with, hes a really good man. But I am starting to feel used. I feel as though he wants to keep me here to act as though we are married until he finds someone better, someone more beautiful, sexier etc.
Some people say money is a huge factor in getting married but it doesn't have to be, if you truely love someone and want to marry them, you don't have to spend hundreds and thousands on a wedding, its the ceremony that matters. Also, I am not asking him to marry me tomorrow, the first step toward commitment is engagement and that alone would be proof enough that he wants to be with me and commit to me.
I just feel as though I am wasting my time with him now, I love him more than anything in this world but I don't want to be with someone who can't commit to me.
Everyone around me has got married or is getting married, my friends all seemed to ahve found the man of their dreams who was more than willing to commit, and then there is me at 31 years old and still unmarried, I feel as though I am doing something wrong, that I am not good enough, maybe im not marriage material.
He says he wants children in the future, but I already have kids and he is really happy about that, he treats them like his own, but I am not gonna have children for him unless he is willing to commit, why should I commit to having more children when he cant commit to me? Time is fast running out for me to have children or at least have healthy children without the higher risks of defects etc, but he doesnt seem to care. Maybe he's not the one for me. What can I do to get him to realise how serious this is?
Well in terms of finances he knows he doesnt need to worry, once I get my placement I will be earning more than he does dispite the current finance climate. If I get the placcement I want our monthly income will be in excess of £2.5k a month, I don't deal with credit, no credit cards, loans etc etc, if I can't afford it I either save for it or dont have it at all, so he knows im not going to be financially straining. He has never financially taken care of myself or my children, I ahve never asked him for money and he knows I don't expect him to give me or support me financially. If he means in terms of a wedding then again this is another lame excuse because weddings can happen without the huge price tag.
Also we have already spoken about having kids together and he has stated he would like to have children with me, I had a sterilization a few years ago and he has asked me numerous times to speak to the doctor about having it reversed, but I won't get this done until I know he is serious and willin to commit, being a single parent isn't fun so im not gonna put myself in that same position again.
Sometimes it seems he wants all the benefits of a marriage without ever going through with getting married. I just feel used at the moment. He freaks out whenever I mention rings, like the other day I was trying on a ring in a clothes shop, something to go with my outfit for new years eve and he really freaked out over it, then warned me to stay away from the engagement and wedding rings. I have not been pushy toward him about it and had totally given up on the idea until the phone call I had with him in the clothes shop the other day. Now I just feel inadequate.
The kick in the teeth would be if I were to break up with him then in a few years he ends up getting married to someone else, this has already happened to me twice so it can happen again. Except I didn't want to marry the other 2.
based on what you said, there are a lot of reasons why he would be putting off marriage. It may be really important for you guys to be financially secure in his eyes before getting married since financail problems lead to a greater chance of divorce. It could also be that you already have kids and he doesnt. He is obviously going to like your children because he wouldn't have a shot with you in the first place if he didn't; however, there is definitely a difference between having kids that are his own and raising someone else's kids.
If it is really important to you and he really loves you, he should be willing to get married. I'd sit down and have a talk with him and explain how it makes you feel and if it's worth the risk of losing him, give him the ultimatum of one year to propose. Unless he can give you a good reason not to, I'd have to agree with you and say why not get married.
