Hi,
I feel I'm having huge problems with my girlfriend and even after talking nothing changes.
A brief background. We lived together for ten years and had two children, both work quite hard and have a great social life and living standard. For all these years our sex life had been good and I guess a pretty average relationship. two years after getting married we experienced a life tradegy with a close relative of hers dieing and our son almost losing his life. We battled for a year but eventualy she left leaving me with the kids. I believe she was mixed up big time.
During our two year seperation we both experienced different relationships but always seemed to come back together as friends or lovers at different times. She did treat me quite mean over these years.
We decided 2 years ago to give it another try. At the start I felt loved and the sex was great. But for the last 18 months I feel like dejavu. The texts are less, the sex routine and rare, I have discovered she is'nt comfortable with oral, does not like open mouth kissing, in fact everything I thought I knew from the past has dissappeared. I want to make her happy and its not about me, but feel whatever I do I just fail. I buy presents, rent dvd's, buy wine. Its always too tierd, too drunk, etc etc. All I want is effort back. She puts more effort into most things in her life that makes me feel very last. I have tried sexy lotions, sex toys. Romance and only giving not recieving. Using my hands will make her pull me on her almost like to get it over with. I work hard and do a great deal in the house. I leave love notes and really do care. The only time I get a rise from her is when she feels threatened or I do something bad.
I have forgiven her for leaving me, but do live with the hurt, paranoia and I do feel very insecure. I can't help but think I tick all her boxes except the very important ones.
We have spoke about 8 times over the year about whats up. She always says she will try harder but it never happens. I feel like I take sex from her and she gives out of obligation, which I hate.
During our split I often saw her see something she wanted and put effort into it. Why not me?
On a positive we talk loads, discuss things that are not so important and evn have a laugh, but we did this when we were single?
Advice please.
Can I just say, I wish more men were like you. The effort and time and thought you have put into getting your relationship back on track is phenomenal and I salute you. I think she loves you, but perhaps never let that spark come back. She went back to you because it was safe an familiar. I think she loves you, truly, but she never looked at it from the right perspective. She sees you as her companion, not as her partner or equal. And she is forgetting your needs and wants. I would recommend sitting her down and saying "This is getting serious. I love you but I am starting to think that you don't love me back for such and such reasons." Tell her you'd rather be alone than treated like a piece of the furniture by her, even though you love her so much. She will say she will work harder, change etc but you already know it wont happen. Tell her to come to Relationship Therapy with you to work it out, and dont take no for an answer. If she is prepared to go, then I think it gives you a pretty good view on her priorities. Good luck
You sound like an amazing guy to have I dont think I can answer this one all the way because I have no idea about being married and separated but if you are doing all those sweet things and obviously trying incredibly hard then theres something else going on with her. Could she possibly have new insecurities that she picked up after you two had been with other people?
