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What can I do about my bulimia?

Well I’m a 17 year old guy with bulimia. I don’t/can’t make myself throw up so instead I fast after overeating. Often I go days with no food untill I give in to the urges.Then I overeat. Then get so depressed to the point of feeling suicidal. Then the cycle restarts. I self harm. I hate myself. My self esteem is so low. But I keep doing it.

I want and don’t want to tell someone. Once I went 9 days straight with no food at all.. And I eventually told a friend cause it was getting obvious there was something up with me and she’d been through the same. And just seeing her reaction. It made me feel so bad. I can’t put anyone else through that again. But I did go to a doctor after a lot of pressure. Who sent me right to a hospital. Which sent me home with painkillers for chest pains I was having… So I have no faith in doctors. And I refuse to see one again.
But theres part of me that wants all this to stop but theres part of me that wants to just lose weight. I know I’m not overweight. I know people don’t look at me and think I’m overweight. But I’m still fat. And I’m sick of it. Nothing I do shifts it. I exercise every day. When I’m not eating out of control I do eat healthily. I just can’t shift this fat…

I’m reaching breaking point. I don’t know what I want or what I should do. I know what I’m doing is bad for my body. My head tells me to stop. My heart tells me to keep doing it. Or is it the other way around. I honestly don’t know. Part of the thing that stops me talking to my friends about it is the fact that I’m a guy. I’m well known and liked where I live. I can’t just suddenly turn around and have all these people and my friends thinking I’m an “emo”. How many guys do any of you know have weight issues. Well I say weight. I don’t know how much I weigh. Havn’t weighed myself in years. Because I know if I do and see how much I weight I’ll do everything possible to lose the pounds. I just have major body issues. I havn’t gone outside in just a shirt in over 2 years. I always have to wear a tracksuit top or a coat or whatever cause im terrified of like a gust of wind blowing against me and the shirt being blown against my stomach and people seeing how fat I am.

I guess I just want some advice or opinions on what I should do or what people would do in my shoes. But I refuse to see another doctor/physchiatrist. I can’t put my friends or family through what I put my first friend through.

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Answer #1

I’m afraid if you want to get better you have to see drs/counsellors etc. not all drs are bad, try and remember that. I also wanted you to know it’s normal to want to recover, but also want to stay with your Eating disorder. good luck.

Answer #2

You have to go to a professional. This is a mental disease and actually has nothing to do with food, really, or your appearance. You have some sort of anxiety that is manifesting itself in this way. A therapist will help you feel better about yourself. Its possible that something happened to you when you were younger, that has made you feel worthless. Even if you know what that incident is, and even if you are highly intelligent, you need some help. The other choice is to keep doing what you;re doing, until you are so malnourished that you can’t even walk. You don’t want that to happen, do you? Someone with an eating disorder can look in the mirror at a skeleton and STILL see some fat that needs to go. Think about this. It’s not rational or logical. You do need professional help.

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